Talent show update

My step-daughter took part in her first talent show on the weekend, and at 13 yrs I think she was the youngest contestant. She was competing against high-school students and professional musicians!

She did really well, and we were all really proud of her. She performed a song she wrote herself, playing the guitar to accompany herself - no small feat when there is an audience of 100+ people and bright lights shining in your eyes! She looked great and sounded very confident. It was very cute when she dashed off stage straight after playing, the judges had to ask her bak onstage to give her the feedback! hehe :D

While she didn't win her section, all FOUR of her parents thought she did really well. :)

It was a bit surreal having a night out with hubby's ex-wife and her new husband! I suppose it just goes to show how well we all get along, which is great for the kids.

I've been looking at booking a holiday in a tropical island somewhere, just because I need something to look forward to after all the disappointment of this year. We had one nearly booked, but then we did the sums and realised it would mean eating bread crusts for a while! haha :P

I can't wait for this week to be over, then it will be mid-term break! Yay! I shall go out digging in the garden.... it is spring here, or at least it's supposed to be spring, she says, shaking her fist at the raining sky!

Hope you're having a great week. Sorry for the general bloggy-slackness. Work really has been keeping me busy! :)

Sneezes, birthdays, and songs

A couple of days of sneezing signaled the start of a glorious head cold. Bah! So today I am home from work watching music videos on the telly while it gets all rainy and stormy outside.

I've been working some long hours - lesson planning for my teaching job ensures that even on my birthday I had to work to 10.30pm at night. Yup, I'm a virgo alright! hehe Now officially 28!

My birthday was great, with my close family all around. We went to dinner at a yummy little Italian restaurant and ate tiramisu, ganache, and cheesecake for dessert! Nom nom nom :)

The day was tinged with sadness for me, however, as I was reminded that I won't be a Mum anytime soon, or ever. Some days it's worse than others, and most of the time I just try to work hard and ignore the feelings. I think I need a goal or two. Currently we've got nothing to look forward to.

So here are some goals. You can suggest more if you think of them! :)

- secure my job for next year
- go on holiday
- continue to try and get public funding for IVF
- create and exhibit some artwork
- do the garden
- love my hubby more each day

Yeah, so about the job. Because of some silly SNAFU on the part of my employer, my job was never officially advertised, so I got put on a fixed-term contract. Which means that if I want to keep my job next year I will have to go through the process of applying for it all over again. My boss really wants to keep me, and I've been getting good feedback from students and colleagues alike, but there will always be a small chance that I won't get it. There's nothing much I can do except apply and cross my fingers.

I've recently started grading the first assessments for the four graphics, typography, digital media, and web classes I teach. I actually found it very interesting, seeing the students so worried about presenting their work, and then looking so relieved once it was over. Writing the comments on their grading form is a bit like being a psychological detective or something, and I'm finding it fascinating trying to figure out why some students maybe aren't as attentive or focused as they should be, and find how to help them. Assessment time is supposed to be hard work for the tutors, and it does take heaps of time, but because I'm enjoying it so much, it makes me think even more that THIS IS THE JOB FOR ME! :)

One last piece of news, my step-daughter has entered a local talent competition and made it to the finals! We are going to see her perform in the show tomorrow, singing a song she wrote herself - she's 13!!! How awesome is that? She's becoming quite a sophisticated little singer/songwriter, and I'm wishing her the best of luck :)

A surprising calm

I've been immersed in my work lately. No time to spend on my poor neglected blog. No time to tend the garden. Not much exercise. But I am enjoying my new job - it's amazing compared to the last one! I feel like I have a bit of control, a bit of respect, and a bit of joy in my work now. Teaching is hard work, I never doubted that, but so far it seems to be right up my alley. :)

Last weekend hubby and I traveled to a design conference in another (bigger) city. It was cool to get out of town for a few days and just be somewhere completely different. It has given me the creative kick I needed to start making art again.

While we were there, I also bought a few books (I LOOOOOVE books!), and so far this one has really captured my attention:

The Art of Choosing is written by Sheena Iyengar, a blind Sikh psychologist who has spent her career studying how people make decisions. It's a fascinating read and I highly recommend it. BTW, I choose this book because it had jellybeans on the cover, and because I had a cat called Sheena when I still lived with the parents. hehe :P

So how is everything else going? Well, surprisingly well, as the title of this post suggests. I've only had one serious cry/wail about our situation since my last blog post, so I will take that as a sign that I am coping quite nicely. On the otherhand, I am slighlty concerned that I'm not more upset now. I worry I might be bottling stuff up and just not dealing with it. I still notice babies and baby-related-stuff everywhere. At the cafe at lunch today I was fine, then a grand-dad came in with an infant in a car-capsule, and I noticed there was a "breast is best" pro-breastfeeding sign on the window. Just can't escape it. It's annoying me, but it's not driving me totally insane. I will take that small blessing! :P

One of my colleagues got an email yesterday which tested my "cover" strongly. (By cover, I mean that I've not told anyone at my new job what we've just gone through in regards to infertility and being disqualified for public IVF funding.) She has a friend in the UK who had been complaining for months about feeling tired and lethargic. It was getting worse. She had been to her doctor several times and nothing was helping. They couldn't figure out what was wrong. Then she mentioned the swollen ankles. Doctor decided to do a pregnancy test.... (she was on the pill) ...and lo and behold, it's a BFP! Want to know the amazing part? She's 7 months! WTF? How in holy hell could you not notice that! My colleague went to great pains to explain that her preggers-friend was a university-trained intellectual, not just some dumb-ass. But 7 months!? I asked the first question you ask when you hear a story like this: is she, ah.... is she a large lady? No. Slim. Where could she hide it? I dunno.... so now I know of a true case of this happening. Really happening. Only seen it in trashy womens mags and on telly before. But it happens in the real world. So that made for an interesting few minutes where I had to sit and try and compose myself, right before a class too! Sigh.

I can't remember if I told you before, but my one ray of hope was an organisation called Fertility NZ. I emailed them frantically, hoping that they could help somehow. Or at least explain what had happened. The wonderful ladies there have called me twice over the past couple of weeks with words to the effect that:

• this sort of terrible mess happens regularly to NZ couples
• they get a couple of complaints from desperate women every week
• no I am not going mad
• yes those doctors did behave poorly
• no there's not a helluva lot we can do about it
• yes they want our help to stop this crap happening to other people
• but we will contact the fertility clinic on our behalf to get us some answers

So I wrote a letter for FertilityNZ to pass to the fertility clinic:

Currently, we are still waiting for a response from the fertility clinic. I hope they realise that this sort of treatment is unacceptable. I hope they find some common decency to re-score our case in a fair and decent way. I hope we are given a chance.

The lady from FertilityNZ did make me realise that we are not at a total loss... under the current law we WILL qualify for funding in Sept 2012 - still a while away, but possible. It feels like forever to wait and I really don't want to. But it's the only thing I can do at the moment. At least I'm not too close to 40yrs to wait (funding is also immediately cut once the woman turns 40). So that is another small blessing.

She also told me that they are actually trying to get the law changed in New Zealand, because it is so unfair to so many couples. She described how many folks get caught in the "time trap" - waiting, waiting, waiting until they qualify for funding. :(

So now you know why the blog's gone a bit quiet. There is nothing much interesting to report. Which has meant I've been rather calm. All this activity and planning, appointments and scans, tests and pills. It's all just stopped. I can now go back and do some gardening. Make some art. Focus on my design projects. It feels a bit like my brain is on holiday from the most grueling job in the world. I'm sad that it all didn't go as planned. But I'm so tired, and I don't see many options to push any further. I'm not giving up, but I'm having a rest. :)

I may have been quiet, but I haven't fallen off the map completely!

Yep, took a two week break from blogging, from thinking, from doing much at all except throwing myself into my new job - which I love by the way! I just want to let you all know that I'm ok, kind of. :P

Thank you to everyone for your kind thoughts and emails. It's helped more than you can know.

After getting the news that apparently we would not be eligible for publicly-funded IVF treatment we didn't know what to do at first. "Grieve" seemed to be the natural response. Then get bloody angry!

But then I remembered a New Zealand organisation called Fertility NZ. They offer advice, advocacy, education, information, and support for those New Zealanders affected by infertility. I had nowhere else to turn, so I wrote them an email. It's not everyday I spill my most private thoughts and fears to a stranger on the end of an email address, but I seriously felt like I was out of options.

Less than two hours later, a super-lovely woman who shall be called S emailed back asking for more information. I had to wait two days to get a lunch hour long enough, but I called her and we spoke for an hour. It was the best conversation - helped me to realise that I'm not crazy and what has happened to us is not right. Not right at all. (If you want the details, please read here and here.)

S advised us to get together a list of questions to put to the fertility clinic, to try and figure out this whole mess. So I've been doing that. And working a demanding new teaching job, and doing freelance web design work on top of all that. Trust me, my brain is full!

On the diabetes front, things have been interesting. Take a look at the last two weeks numbers:

Breakfast numbers under 10mmol/L. Woohoo!

Check out those breakfast numbers! Two whole weeks and only one result above 10mmol/L. I don't think that has ever happened to me in 22 years of blood testing! :) Woohoo! And why did it occur? Well, I have decided it's because I'm not stressed about my old job anymore. I can't believe that I stayed there, and actually did myself physical damage. Well, now I have proof - stress is bad for you. Duh. (Umm, yes, in case you were wondering, that is a smudge of blood in the top right corner. Eww)

From my desk at my new work, here's a 11.1mmol/L reading, next to my log book, which got all smeared with blood when I failed to notice my finger was bleeding. Oh yeah, and I was teaching a class at the time. So that was interesting: I had to stop and fossick around for a tissue! haha :P My students won't forget that class in a hurry!

I hate these stupid people on the cover.

So that's the rough guide to my last couple of weeks. Better blood sugars, stupid fertility clinic, and working to 10pm most nights to write 4x courses, so I can teach them the following day.

Oh, and I had an appointment with my diabetes nurse educator. You know, the one who always makes me cry. Well, surprisingly, it went very well. She saw my new numbers, my new insulin calculator on my iPhone, my new carb-ratios, and my new carb-counting and proclaimed me to be doing very well. Actual praise. Wow! :)

Another blow

So we went to see my GP this morning, to see if he could help us with our stupid paper work issue: the fertility clinic won't give us access to publicly funded IVF treatment without a note saying that we have been trying to conceive for at least 3 years. IVF costs $11k

Long story short, my GP has morals, and is also unwilling to bear the burden of writing a forged document. And is also a wanker. And who already has kids so has not one scrap of compassion it seems for us in our plight. I could not believe he was willing to ruin our lives over a piece of paper.

Literally, I feel we are being killed by paperwork and bureaucracy. Hell, the GP even suggested writing to our local member of parliament. As if that will help at all. No, it seems we are just too difficult a case for anyone to want to take care of us properly.

But then, I realise that I have been thinking like a patient. Saying things honestly, getting all my blood work done on time, Hubby got lots of tests, there have been plenty of stressful doctor's visits, heck, I even had an elective operation and an invasive ultrasound in the run up to this. We had been told all along the way that we would be able to access public funding for treatment, because we had been together and trying for over 6 years. We were told we were infertile. We were given the options. All along this process I have asked if we are eligible for funding, and the response has always been positive.

Not so now, it seems. I should have been thinking like a business. All these doctors have gotten a lot of money out of us. And we have not even started treatment! If any one of them had taken the care to actually CHECK if we were eligible for funding, we would have had an answer a year ago. And that would have given us much more time to make decisions. But no, instead they found a delicious cash cow, which they could share around. All these tests, procedures, consults, and operations have cost the taxpayer a lot of money already, and a lot of money out of our pockets.

It makes me sick. In fact, I felt like throwing up in the GP's surgery this morning, as soon as he started saying things like "well if those are the rules..." and "I can't do that, as the liability would come onto me..." and "you have to start thinking of this as a moral and ethical issue..." I HAVE BEEN! I HAVE BEEN TOTALLY HONEST ALL THE TIME!

It's only this stupid process which discriminates against us, and where the rules keep changing, and no body cares and no one will tell us the rules. And no support is offered. HUGE things like "infertility", "IVF", "no funding", and just plain old "No" are spoken to us, but there is never any emotional help offered.

I am so upset. I had to stay home from work because I can't think of anything else. I can't think what to do. We have meagre savings, and not enough to pursue IVF by ourselves. I am totally at a loss. I can't believe it. We know the solution, but we are not even allowed to try it becauese we are not rich enough. We are not allowed to try because some doctors consider a vasectomy to be infertility, but others just call it contraception. We are not allowed to try because the "rules" say you have to be trying to conceive for 3+ years - well, we have been having unprotected s.e.x for 7 years now. But with a vasectomy, does the amount of years you are trying really matter? No, it won't make any difference. And when you do decide you want a child, is the first person you tell your health professional, to make a nice tidy, auditable paper trial exactly 3 years long? No. You tell your partner. You only go to your doctor when you want to kick things off. You don't realise that if you had only lied to the fertility specialist none of this crap would have happened. She would have accepted any year you said. And now I can't think of a single way to fix it.

Of course, I could complain. We have been treated pretty badly I think. Here in New Zealand we have a body called the Health and Disability Commissioner. They deal with complaints across our entire health industry. But that would mean writing a complaint against my GP, by ob/gyn, and the fertility clinic. A) that is a lot of people to fight, and B) it would probably still not get us funding, and C) it would leave me with no doctors.

I don't know what to do. This is so unfair. I keep having to wipe the keyboard because I'm crying so much. I feel sick. I don't know how I will get to work and teach the class this afternoon. I don't know how I will face moving out of this chair. It's not fair. We don't deserve this. But there is no one who will listen, who will help, who will make it better. At least, I can't think of anyone.A storm has come in. Good. I feel stormy inside.

(Apologies for bringing you down. I hope I didn't spoil your day)

Devastating News

We had our appointment with the fertility clinic today. It was supposed to be an initial consultation. It ended in tears.

Our gentle Indian doctor carefully explained to us the reasons why we should choose IVF rather than a vasectomy reversal. So far so good. A little awkward, but we knew all this stuff. She drew little pictures to explain what each procedure was. She asked me a heap of questions and filled out a New Patient form for me.

And then she asked when we had first started to seek treatment. I replied honestly: almost 1 year ago, last September is when I went to my GP, who referred me to my ob/gyn, who referred me on to the fertility clinic.

We told her that we considered we had been trying for 7 years. She told us that we would no be eligible for public funding at this time, since we had only officially been trying for less than a year. What utter crap. I felt sick the moment the words came out her mouth. No funding. And no funding for us = NO. Big. Fat. No. All because of bloody bureaucratic paperwork bullshit.

Lovely Indian Doctor said she would be happy to work with us, either with public or private funding. It costs $11K New Zealand Dollars. I said that pretty much means we can't do it. She said we would be eligible for public funding in 3 years. I will be 30 in 3 years, and Hubby will be 49. We can not wait that long. I asked her if the form she worked through which scored our eligibility for funding took into account the man's age? No. It did not. It only considered the woman's age.

All my questions went out the window. I felt (and still do feel) absolutely dumbstruck. Overwhelmed. Defeated. Cheated. Poor. Sad. Depressed. And somehow, in amongst all the surprise and the shock, I am not surprised at all. Of course something shitty like this would happen to me. Of course, silly me. I should have been expecting a knock back like this all along.

I tried to gather my thoughts enough not to waste the entire rest of the consult. I asked what impact the IVF drugs would likely take on my diabetes, apparently not much was the answer (although I'm not sure I believe that). I asked if they had treated diabetic women before? Yes. My head was just spinning. Hubby looked ashen. We both knew it was a loss. I asked if I could send more questions via email, since we really REALLY did not expect to get this thrown at us. We said how all the feedback from all me doctors so far had been really positive, and that even the ob/gyn said that with 6 years of trying we would do fine on the eligibility scoring.

I had tried so hard to find that scoring form. But it's really complex. Not something they want the public to get hold of. But hell, if we had known the "rules" we would not have anticipated a Yes straight away. Seems like a waste of time. Could have done it over email and saved the doc a 3 hour trip.

There is one small sliver of hope remaining, and I am going to nourish that hope with every skill and tactic I can muster. If you take what the fertility doc said at face value, it's a straight NO. However, she did mention several times that if some paperwork or a computer file from my GP or ob/gyn's office could be found that even alluded to the fact we were considering or trying to conceive at or before 3 years ago turned up, she would be more than happy to re-score our case.

Now, you know and I know that this piece of paper probably does not actually exist. But my GP is very nice, and I am going on Tuesday to try and sweet-talk him into "finding" the appropriate documentation for us. Oh, and apparently if we lived in Australia, it wouldn't be a problem as none of this nonsense happens.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrr! I just can't believe it. It's not fair! I've had my one big medical drama, and that's diabetes. I've paid my dues. The rest of life is supposed to be plain sailing. Not this stupid crap. It's not fair. I plan to fight.

There have been episodes this afternoon of crying in carparks, crying in offices, crying as walking out of doctor's surgeries past surprised couples waiting their turn to see the fertility specialist, crying while driving, and bottling it up. I got a fair bit of work done (yes, I had to go back to work after receiving this horrid news) just to try and keep my mind occupied.

Hubby was wonderful. He got me out of the office quickly, and gave me great big hugs in the car park. He told me silly jokes and made me smile again. He told me it's not the end, and that we will still have a chance with the GP. He said he was pissed off. For some reason, that made me feel bad and good all at the same time :P I told him that if it all fails in the end, for whatever reason, it won't be the end of the world. I believe that. We are incredibly lucky to have found each other, and I love him deeply. Having a kid would just be the icing on the cake. I must remember we already have a very fine cake.

I've godda coad, and I need your advice.

Translation: I've got a cold. Sniff. Achoo! Cof cof COF cofffffff cof!

I think the general stress and change of starting a new job has caught up with me a bit. I've had the worst cold all week, with a simply alarming cough.

Went shopping in the local mall today with my sister which was lovely, but I got so tired walking around, that my head started to spin. We were trying on clothes in a funky loud-music-playing, tight-jeans-selling shop, and the changing rooms were soooo hot! I swear they turn the air-con off to sub-consciously persuade customers to buy their skimpy, cheap, thin clothing! (meanwhile, it's like mid-winter outside). Anyway, the heat gave me a terrific coughing fit, and I couldn't talk, and lost my voice, and all that would come out was a squeak. Eep! Sister got me out of there quick smart and into a cafe - cup of tea later - which made it much better. A quick test showed that I was 17.6 mmol/L! WHAT!?

Turns out that I'd missed my morning Lantus dose, and the one from the night before (I'm on am and pm shots) had just worn off. So I was pretty useless. Tired, sick, diabetic-tired, and diabetic-sick. And loaded up with heavy shopping bags :P

This week has been full-on. I'm really enjoying my new job and how supportive and friendly the people are. It makes a nice change! I've been writing my courses and assignment briefs for my students. It was tonnes of work and really challenging (teaching is basically a whole new profession for me, after all), but my boss and the other tutors have been really encouraging and helpful. I think I will be ok at this! :D

But man is it nice to just have a sleep-in this morning and a relax!

Because next week is going to be full-on. I have my first class on Monday morning. We will be having a welcome and powhiri for all new students on campus, and then a welcome just for the arts students after that. Then I will be introduced to my new students, and I start teaching! I am getting a bit excited :)

Minus the formal welcome ceremonies, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday will be pretty similar, each with a new class of students to meet.

And Friday. Whoa. Friday is the 23rd of July. Yup. It's time to meet the fertility clinic folks.

ADVICE PLEASE AND THANK YOU:
So, what questions do you suggest I ask? Any ideas will be considered helpful. This will be our initial consult. What would you ask? I know you people will have some great ideas and think of things that would not occur to me. :) Thanks!