Devastating News

We had our appointment with the fertility clinic today. It was supposed to be an initial consultation. It ended in tears.

Our gentle Indian doctor carefully explained to us the reasons why we should choose IVF rather than a vasectomy reversal. So far so good. A little awkward, but we knew all this stuff. She drew little pictures to explain what each procedure was. She asked me a heap of questions and filled out a New Patient form for me.

And then she asked when we had first started to seek treatment. I replied honestly: almost 1 year ago, last September is when I went to my GP, who referred me to my ob/gyn, who referred me on to the fertility clinic.

We told her that we considered we had been trying for 7 years. She told us that we would no be eligible for public funding at this time, since we had only officially been trying for less than a year. What utter crap. I felt sick the moment the words came out her mouth. No funding. And no funding for us = NO. Big. Fat. No. All because of bloody bureaucratic paperwork bullshit.

Lovely Indian Doctor said she would be happy to work with us, either with public or private funding. It costs $11K New Zealand Dollars. I said that pretty much means we can't do it. She said we would be eligible for public funding in 3 years. I will be 30 in 3 years, and Hubby will be 49. We can not wait that long. I asked her if the form she worked through which scored our eligibility for funding took into account the man's age? No. It did not. It only considered the woman's age.

All my questions went out the window. I felt (and still do feel) absolutely dumbstruck. Overwhelmed. Defeated. Cheated. Poor. Sad. Depressed. And somehow, in amongst all the surprise and the shock, I am not surprised at all. Of course something shitty like this would happen to me. Of course, silly me. I should have been expecting a knock back like this all along.

I tried to gather my thoughts enough not to waste the entire rest of the consult. I asked what impact the IVF drugs would likely take on my diabetes, apparently not much was the answer (although I'm not sure I believe that). I asked if they had treated diabetic women before? Yes. My head was just spinning. Hubby looked ashen. We both knew it was a loss. I asked if I could send more questions via email, since we really REALLY did not expect to get this thrown at us. We said how all the feedback from all me doctors so far had been really positive, and that even the ob/gyn said that with 6 years of trying we would do fine on the eligibility scoring.

I had tried so hard to find that scoring form. But it's really complex. Not something they want the public to get hold of. But hell, if we had known the "rules" we would not have anticipated a Yes straight away. Seems like a waste of time. Could have done it over email and saved the doc a 3 hour trip.

There is one small sliver of hope remaining, and I am going to nourish that hope with every skill and tactic I can muster. If you take what the fertility doc said at face value, it's a straight NO. However, she did mention several times that if some paperwork or a computer file from my GP or ob/gyn's office could be found that even alluded to the fact we were considering or trying to conceive at or before 3 years ago turned up, she would be more than happy to re-score our case.

Now, you know and I know that this piece of paper probably does not actually exist. But my GP is very nice, and I am going on Tuesday to try and sweet-talk him into "finding" the appropriate documentation for us. Oh, and apparently if we lived in Australia, it wouldn't be a problem as none of this nonsense happens.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrr! I just can't believe it. It's not fair! I've had my one big medical drama, and that's diabetes. I've paid my dues. The rest of life is supposed to be plain sailing. Not this stupid crap. It's not fair. I plan to fight.

There have been episodes this afternoon of crying in carparks, crying in offices, crying as walking out of doctor's surgeries past surprised couples waiting their turn to see the fertility specialist, crying while driving, and bottling it up. I got a fair bit of work done (yes, I had to go back to work after receiving this horrid news) just to try and keep my mind occupied.

Hubby was wonderful. He got me out of the office quickly, and gave me great big hugs in the car park. He told me silly jokes and made me smile again. He told me it's not the end, and that we will still have a chance with the GP. He said he was pissed off. For some reason, that made me feel bad and good all at the same time :P I told him that if it all fails in the end, for whatever reason, it won't be the end of the world. I believe that. We are incredibly lucky to have found each other, and I love him deeply. Having a kid would just be the icing on the cake. I must remember we already have a very fine cake.