Birth Story: part 1

It's been over 8 weeks since the birth of our daughter, the Tiny Fish. She is glorious and gorgeous and has the most delicious cheeky smile.

I've found a rare moment of quiet time where she is asleep, I am awake enough to type, and all is calm in our house. So I'm going to put down a really short and sweet version of my birth story. Before I forget too much.

My waters broke at 3am on 24/6/14. I drenched the bed, the bedroom carpet, hallway carpet, the Lino in the kitchen, porch hallway and then proceeded to flood the toilet floor too. I managed to clean the floor. Went and woke up my Hubby who took a second to click. I put a towel down and went back to bed.

Mild contractions started very gently half an hour later. They I had to get up and spend some quality time in the loo. Then I wondered how in hell I was going to get off the loo and not make another mess and wake my Hubby up again. I had time to download an app to time contractions. Good thing I did too as they were coming fast.

5.30am it was time to phone our midwife. 6.30am we phoned her again and said I wasn't going to be able to wait until 7am and we were gonna go up to hospital now.

We live just down the road from the hospital. I cursed every single one of the speed bumps on the way thru the hospital.

It had been raining. A friendly person in the corridor made a joke about it's gonna be a long night. Or day. We had no clue. Entering the maternity wing and this giant hug of warm air and weirdly soothing elevator music - which turned out to be the first morning alarm on Hubby's phone. We checked in and got room 4. G, a ward midwife looked after us until ours arrived.

Our mw wasn't there yet as she had to travel from a village outside of the city. Her battery went flat so she tried to jump start it and accidentally started a fire. She borrowed a car and it ran very low on petrol so she had to go back home and steal the lawnmower petrol. When she got there at 7.20am I was 9cm dilated already. I couldn't believe I was that far along.

Soon I was allowed to push. I never felt like I couldn't do it. I used breathing, saying out loud "relax everything" in between contractions, and etonox (gas and air). Looking back, I wish I had had an epidural. But nobody could have known what was coming.

Anyway, baby's heart rate was taking a few dips and not recovering very fast so my mw got me up resting over the back of the bed which seemed to help.

I pushed for 2hrs at which point my contractions started to taper off a bit. I personally thought this was delightful as I got a black spell of rest between the contractions. Empty painfree bliss. But apparently that was not good. My mw had me do nipple stimulation to try and get contractions happening with more strength and speed and it worked. But baby wasn't moving. She called in the OB who discovered that my baby's head was turtle-ing. A sign of shoulder dystocia.

My baby would need help. It's heart rate started dropping. The emergency bell was pushed and people flooded into the room. I felt calm under it all as I trusted those around me to take care of me.

First up the OB tried ventouse as baby's head had gone a bit crooked. The cap popped off a couple if times, so she moved on to forceps. And an episiotomy. Boo.

She was pulling so hard. Her foot up on the bed. At last I felt baby's head be born very quickly. And then all the pain of labour suddenly paled and was completely overwhelmed by this new thing which was just so big and massive I didn't know how to feel it. The pain was so incredible and multi faceted and discordant. I could feel my bones. Tiny Fish's shoulders were stuck. I remember writhing? Screaming noises I didn't know we're human let alone me. So high those noises. The OB working frantically. Eyes shut, open just for glimpses. The intense unbelievable indescribable feeling of pushing and actually feeling the resistance akin to pushing against a concrete wall. It was just not gonna move. The OB did the Woodward screw manoever where she had to get hold of an arm and spin the baby.

A huge movement and then the biggest physical and mental relief I've ever felt.

Tiny Fish was born arm-first at 10.29am. After 5hrs10mins of labour.

She landed on my chest and lifted her head and opened her black, disgruntled eyes and looked at me I will never forget that look. She was purple and wet and had hair that wasn't as black as I'd expected. The mw checked if she was a boy or girl. She was there about ten minutes I'm told but I kept blacking out so it felt like only 30 seconds. I have two memories of her on my chest: eyes and gender. My third memory is seeing her across the room on the baby bed where 3(?) paediatricians are working like mad over her with an oxygen mask. But I knew she would be fine cos she looked at me. And besides, what newborn can lift their head defiantly as their very first act? She did cry but I can't recall what it sounded like.

My husband. By my side helping me through. Together. Just being pure love. He always knew what I needed. I always cry thinking of what he went through that day, and the strength he has.

Tiny Fish had to go to NICU for potential breathing issues and hypoglycemia. I had brought along a small amount of expressed colostrum for her to have.

The OB was trying to sew me up. The midwives were massaging my tummy. There was blood on my thigh. Legs up in black leather stirrup things. Lithotomy position my birth notes say. Nurses were putting more IV lines in. Everything was hurting again. I was still having to breath through the pain. The placenta came but it was incomplete. I remember someone asking a nurse to measure the blood loss. 2 litres. Enough to warrant a trip to theatre to get stitched up. An episiotomy and a 3rd degree tear. When I asked how many stitches I had received later, the OB said she didn't bother counting.

Getting ready to go to the operating theatre was strangely calm after that. I got terrible shakes and said I was cold so they bundled me up in white. I had to shimmy across to another bed to make the long trip to the other end of the hospital. From the old wing to the new.

Hubby went out to meet my parents who had been waiting in the waiting room. Worried as they could hear everything. When he came back in the room he surveyed all the blood and fainted.

My parents met me as I was leaving the delivery suite. Tears and smiles and kisses and hugs. They would go to neonates and watch over their first grandchild.

Then there was the strange calm of being wheeled down endless corridors, fluorescent lights overhead. It was mid morning and the day was a drizzly grey winters morning. Fog and condensation on the windows. In pre-op Hubby couldn't come in so he went back to be with our daughter. My midwife was allowed to accompany me into theatre. I had 3 anaesthetists, one of whom has T1D and wanted to know all about my pump and Dex (diabetes stuff all went fine, in case you were wondering). The OB stitched me up and I woke up in post-op recovery so terribly thirsty. But content. I knew she was fine. I knew Hubby was with her. I was alive. I got what I wanted: everybody healthy and alive.

My mw came and said that she had arranged it so that I could be wheeled right into the NICU to meet my daughter again. I have never wanted to be wheeled faster. The urge to try and jump off the bed and hurry towards her. But I was so tired and heavy.

Euphoria.

She was in an incubator. Someone got her out and laid her on my chest. She looked up at me with bleary eyes. She had massive bruising from the forceps and ventouse. Her head was a beautiful round shape. Black eyes. And torn skin from the forceps. She still has a scar even now.

And then I was put into a room to recover. That will be the next part, cos the story is not over yet.

~~~Happy birthday, my sweet one. You are so wanted. Mummy and Daddy love you. Xoxo

22w4d Shopping for baby hardware

I didn't expect to come buy a stroller and a capsule already. Really! We were just going in to have a look. I was relieved when we walked into the baby-stuff shop and saw only four strollers. "This won't be too hard," I thought to myself.

But then I turned around, and there were 20 more strollers and a whole wall of capsules! So overwhelming! Hubby, having some experience in this area before, saved my bacon on this one. He knew what he was looking for and he knew when he had found a bargain. There was a shop demo model (aren't they all demo models??) that was nearly half price and it had a matching capsule. Here's what we got:

Urban Escape II stroller

Urban Escape II Capsule

It all looks far too big for a newborn to me. I use the phrase "I have no idea!" multiple times per day when talking about baby stuff. It is all so foreign and new to me, so unfamiliar, that I want to learn more about it. Spending a lot of time looking at all the many weird contraptions for sale on baby-stuff websites. Trying to make tentative lists of the basic things I would like to purchase. Reading a lot of reviews and watching some YT vids of what items people found useful. But really, I won't know until we get there. Or rather, until Tiny Fish gets here. Lots of kicking in response to that!

My diabetes has been a bit naughty over the weekend and I think this is because there has been another growth spurt. I have gained 2kgs, so now +7kgs for a total of 62kgs. I am very glad to finally be gaining a bit of weight as I was very concerned for a while there. So I got a couple of highs and a few more lows, just more fluctuations than I would have like over the weekend. My diabetes nurse and I made some adjustments last week to try and bring the afternoon blood sugar levels down, so I know that will potentially have messed things up. And I got the traditional bad 2 day headache which panadol barely touches and means I have to sleep more. Long story short: I am thinking that maybe I am getting a taste of the 2nd trimester insulin resistance, or at least needing slightly more as my weight increases.

My leg. Oh geezjus my right thigh is painful. It hurts to stand, and now it hurts to sit and sometimes even to lie down. I cannot find any stretches which alleviate the buzzing, burning feeling in the muscle. Swimming used to give me about 40mins of bliss in the water, but we went for a swim on the weekend and even in the water my leg ached and burned :( Now when I touch the skin gently on my thigh, it burns and buzzes. Not good. I have another appointment with the physio this week so I will see if there is anything else I can do. She had mentioned I might need to wear a belly-belt to support the tummy, but that doesn't usually get prescribed until much later in pregnancy.

Today I feel really high. Sick, thirsty, like I have ketones or something which I don't. My blood sugar is pretty stable and level. I am just sitting at my desk waiting for class to start. I notice stress is doing this to me, as well as having an empty stomach: makes me feel sick. Just tired and exhausted. I'm sure I will perk up once I get into class though :)

19w3d Swimming and sore thigh

Tiny Fish is somersaulting and kicking as I type this :)

I've been swimming twice with the insulin pump infusion site and Dexcom transmitter in. At first, on the weekend, I was worried about going untethered from the pump (would I go too high without insulin? Or too low with all the exercise. Answer = too low) and what the pool water might do to the adhesives or reliability of the Dexcom.

Turns out it was fine. My Dexcom has a whopping great piece of opsite Flexifix taped over it (with a little window so the transmitter can poke through) so the adhesive was really no issue. The infusion site (inset30) was at the end of its 3 days so was already a little worse for wear.

All in all it felt marvelous to be in the water and we went again tonight after work. Even with a banana beforehand I still drop between 4 - 6mmol in 40 mins untethered. But then I do climb to about 11mmol a couple of hours later. This rise is due to the lack of basal plus the emergency juice after the swim. Must try basal reduction prior to the swim itself.

In other news: OWWWWW!!!

My right thigh is hu-uu-rting! It gets tingly then goes numb on the main muscle down the front/outside of the thigh. Then it gets achy. Then the ache gets a bit stabby. Then my hip gets achy and stabby cos it feels all left out. Long story short: standing and walking hurt. Standing to take a shower hurts. Sitting or lying down makes it better. Even though I have a job that has many hours in front of a computer, I still do a lot of traipsing around campus and it's surprising how many people think it's cool to have long-winded chats in the hallway, standing up, with no chairs ready to rescue me!

I asked my OB about this when I met him the other week and he wasn't too concerned, just said to watch if it got worse. Well, it's definitely worse.

So I gave in and texted my midwife asking her advice. She thinks it might either be a pinched nerve or maybe a torn ligament in my hip. I am going to call a physiotherapist (I can do self referral which is quicker, but it would be pay out of pocket either way) tomorrow morning hopefully.

Oh and I had a quick unexpected catchup with my pump reps T and K today up at the hospital. On Saturday night I was having a headache, exhaustion, and lows. The Dexcom and the vibe (both of which had new sites inserted that evening after the first swim) took it upon themselves to wake me up no less than 20 times with various low alarms, false low alarms, error code 0, error code 1, calibration warnings, and reminders that the calibrations were failing. Bah! By 3am I gave up and turned the CGM functionality off both devices just so I could get some sleep.

An email to my rep in the morning and she offered to meet up and bring me a replacement sensor, and explain the error codes. Since they are normally in another city it was an unexpected pleasure to get to see both of them face to face. :)

And now for some devastating news. You might want to click away now if you're not in a particularly happy spot right now as this next bit is just utterly heartbreaking :(

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My little second cousin, a 10 year old boy, has just been diagnosed with a very rare form of cancer with a simply awful prognosis. He's already about to have his second surgery in a month, the first removed a strange lump and now that pathology has finally identified it he's been rushed to the children's hospital. He is not expected to out live his parents. Apart from some radical drugs in clinical trials, surgeries are the only option. Chemo and radiation don't really work well for this type. Our whole family is pretty much in shock and I would love advice from anyone about how I can best support my cousins at this time.

So, that's it for now. I don't expect to be posting many updates about my cousin as that's not really my story to tell. I'll just see how it goes and do what I can for them.

5w3d Panadol vs. Dex

I woke yesterday morning to the mother of all headaches. I knew instantly that it was going to be a long grueling day: my super-human sense of smell sniffed something like paint as I was waking up, and the headache decided to stay with me from 7am to 11pm.

Of course, I can't take neurofen at the moment, bit I didn't want to take panadol either as that messes up the Dexcom readings.

We had the step kids and they wanted to go to a gala day which was a beautiful, noisy, rowdy, fun outing except my head was killing me and I kept going really low. Hubby bought me a lolly kebab on a stick!

I slept fitfully most of Sunday afternoon, waking a couple of times for high alarms. At one point I woke up enough to check the tubing and found a massive bubble going right into the infusion site, so I unplugged things and primed. It dripped a few drops and then seemed to stop. With the bedroom curtains drawn, and bleary eyes, I couldn't see that I was actually shooting a thin spout of insulin across the bead spread! Oops!

By 11pm, and after every natural remedy I could think of, my head was pounding so I gave up and took 4 panadol - why that many? Because paracetamol normally doesn't work for me.

True to form, the Dex duly started to rise higher and higher. That's because it measures glucose molecules, but acetaminophen molecules look very similar to the Dex sensor. This causes false high readings. Very high. My meter said I was about 10mmol, while the Dex thought I was about 19.3! Let's just say I learnt how to disable the high-alarm feature pretty quickly. With the Dex and the Vibe pump both going mad at me every couple of minutes there was no way I would get sleep with them on.

Felt much better this morning, taught Monday class - always a drain that class - and tried to get away early but failed.

I did however get home in time to start calling midwives and OBs. Turns out the OB I want is private only, and costs nearly $4000!!! Although we could just afford that, it would be stupid as there are funded OB options available. I'll just have to make sure I don't get the one we had at the start of this IVF journey as he was strange and gave bad advice.

I did manage to book in my 8w scan with the private OB, as she has ultrasound equipment. I then had to email the fertility clinic so they can send a referral letter through to her offices, and that way it will be covered under maternity funding so free to us - yay! I just hope I don't like her too much :/ I'm checking with my health insurance to see if it covers obstetrics, but don't hold out much hope. I'm just going to have to accept the fact that I won't get the OB of my choice. Which sux big time since I've heard great things about her. Sigh.

The midwife was a more positive call. We left a message and she rang back after dinner. She is the first one I looked at, mainly because she stated in her online profile that she works closely with specialists. She took time with us on the phone and we will meet her early next week.

3rd HCG test is tomorrow. I don't really have any nerves about this one, as I've had so many symptoms. And no bleeding with cramping, or bleeding at all, which I take as a good sign.

Oh, did I mention that the gala day was held at the primary school where me, Hubby, his Dad, my Sister, my 3 step-kids all went? Yeah, it has zoning and we're not in the zone, but Hubby knows the principal and asked him if it's possible to put our name on the list anyway and we can! Talk about forward thinking! So exciting! I really hope this pregnancy sticks and goes smoothly, I am getting a bit fond of our little embryo!

8dp3dt Only 2 days to go!!!

I have spent most of the past couple of days wondering how to stop myself getting too optimistic.

A quick look at the website of a pregnancy-test company shows that I have several "symptoms" which could be good signs: fatigue (I'm getting very tired by 3pm, to the point where it is strenuous to remain standing for more than a few minutes), dizziness (mostly related to the fatigue, I think), tender breasts (could be the progesterone?), frequent need to pee (and I have unintentionally cut back my water intake due to teaching class - I am thirsty a lot though so must remember to drink more water!), cramping (again, could be progesterone), mood swings (not consistent thank goodness, but did you see my last post lol?) and, lastly, unfortunately: constipation (mild, but combined with cramping and progesterone and pre-natal iron means more fatigue). That is 7 out of their 9 listed symptoms.

Beta will be at 10dp3dt on Friday, which means it will be 15dp ER (egg retrieval and conception).

Many of the people around me seem more outwardly excited than I am. I am trying really hard to moderate my emotions and not get too damn soppy about all this, lest it come crashing down around my ears. I must remember that it is a tough journey for any embryo to make it, and that it is definitely not guaranteed at all. So, I seem to be spending odd and random snippets of my day trying to calm other people down. A lot. Like my delightful friend who tells me she has already started knitting!

At least my Mum, Dad and Sister are no trouble. If anything, they seem to be a mixture of stunned, embarrassed, delighted, and worried about the whole IVF process. Mostly, it is expressed as not asking questions and letting me do the talking. We have always been a family that doesn't really talk about taboo stuff, and you can't get much more taboo than the nitty gritty of reproduction!

Tonight I changed both my infusion site for my Animas Vibe and my Dexcom sensor. The infusion site change went well, although after dinner, and working on some coding project, I was pretty tired.

The Dexcom sensor change was a disaster. It stung when I inserted the sensor, and when I removed the inserter, I looked and saw a pool of blood gathering under the clear plastic. Boo.

Maybe it knows Halloween is just around the corner?

Initially it was just a spot of blood, but it grew quickly until it was about 1cm diameter: about the width of the sensor base.

I was distraught. Each sensor is about $125 (my parents are kindly funding them, and I was so proud of being able to make the previous sensor last 14 days) and they do not grow on trees. But my bigger problem is that if I have to replace it, I have almost no spare real estate on my belly!

With my dress still hitched up under my bra, and the little snap-off plastic doohicky that helps snap the transmitter in place still attached, I grabbed my Animas/Dexcom manual, and promptly cussed when I could immediately find the phone number. The Interwebs knew it though, and in no time I was talking to my Pump Rep at 9.30pm. She assured me that it happens, that I should put the transmitter in and see if it works, and email her in the morning if it hasn't hooked up by then. If it's still dodgy then they will replace it under warranty. Fantastic!

Thank you everyone so much for your kind words and support! I really appreciate it :D

2dp3dt The waiting is hard

Because my mind is playing tricks on me and my body is doing this that are unusual.

Yesterday (Tues) I went back to work. I park my car down the bottom of a big hill and it normally takes me about 2mins to walk up it. Well. My feet felt like they were made of lead, my thighs were aching, my tummy was crampy (not really painful, just tense and heavy feeling). I slowed right down and just had to concentrate on breathing to get up the hill and to my first class.

I spent yesterday with pretty good blood sugars, although now I have the Dexcom I'm definitely more discerning and I don't like to be above about 12 mmol for any length of time.

Today when I woke the crampiness was much reduced, and it stopped quite suddenly at about 11am today - the same time my blood sugar dropped to 4.9 which is the lowest it's been in about 5 days.

This evening my left breast has a hard sore patch, feels like a sharp bruise, so in short I have no goddamn idea what these hormones are doing to me.

I am maintaining my positive outlook and I seem to be able to work ok. I definitely didn't get as tired today and worked a full day, then freelanced until 9.30pm!

Still avoiding caffeine, and I have been resisting the temptation to go get a kebab and instead every night i am cooking vege-rich meals, which is actually making me feel good.

With the pump and Dex site changes, the 3x daily progesterone (600mg total a day) I have actually forgotten my prenatal vitamins twice in the last 4 days. Felt a bit bad about this, but since I don't have a time machine I just have to leave that guilt and remember the next dose.

This evening I went quite high 15.0 and sat there for a while. Boluses weren't working and I realized my site change as due this morning. So I did that and changed the battery for the first time also. Good news is my blood sugar has dropped to 10.5 now, but that took a ezBG bolus, plus a normal bolus just to kick things along, plus the +20% increase basal.

It's hard to know what is a symptom and what isn't. Google is little help, but I have been reading forums about implantation signs and it seems like anything goes. Cramping is both good and an omen, or just your body recovering from the ER and ET. Sore boobs can be a sign, or a coincidence. Fatigue, cravings, having a westerly-facing letterbox: according to the interwebs these could all be predictors of both implantation or not.

So I am waiting with a certain about of chargrin. It's kind of nice to be in this space where Hubby and I can know we might be pregnant, but science can't tell yet, you know? Makes it even more special.

The lab sent me the embryo photo. Hubby thinks its cute. I will share it with you after I get the initial results. As I said in the previous paragraph, it's kinda nice having something private in all of this. Gosh, my whole office knows what I'm up to. My close family, several of my friends, plus Hubby's colleagues and friends and family too! I like to think of it as "sharing the burden either way"

CD 12: Egg retrieval procedure

Please forgive me if this post makes less sense than usual, or rambles, as I am still awash with codeine!

Good news! We got 5 excellent looking eggs! I'm really happy with this and the embryologist said they all look the have good membranes.

By now, we may have a 7-hour-old! How crazy is that?

Started off this morning very early with a light breakfast at 5.40am (4hrs prior to OPU) and then napped until 7am. I got up, had a shower, got dressed and we packed up the car and drove over to the fertility clinic at 9am.

As normal we checked in and were given little slips of paper to take across to the other side of the building. Mine said OPU 9.40am (oocyte pick-up) and Hubby's said sperm sample! I told the receptionist that wouldn't be necessary or possible since Hubby had to have TESA sperm retrieval, but on closer inspection the form said "from andrology" so it must just have been a "defrost this please" note lol.

We were in the waiting room long enough for me to look through a couple pages of the morning paper, and then our old nurse came out to take us through to the Pre-op/post-op room with the armchair.

We got talking about diabetes and she told us how she has struggled with T2 and so has her family. It was nice to share with her, and Hubby showed her the Dexcom while I went to the bathroom.
Then started an onslaught of nurses, doctors, embryologists all checking my name and date of birth. I had yet more forms to fill out, and they must have told me all about everything at least thrice.
I was very impressed with the embryologist, T, who told us how she feels a great responsibility to take get time to search for the best quality sperm from a sample, since she is choosing the DNA of our potential future children. We asked her when exactly would the ICSI fertilization take place, and she said she would start the process at 2pm, carefully washing the eggs, then putting then in an acid solution to remove the outer membrane. She would then take her time looking for good quality sperm to fertilize all the eggs with. She reckoned that 2.30pm should be about fertilization time! :D

---- I had a break from writing, got a bit tired! ----

Anyway, after the doctor tried to come in several times only to find the nurse and I were busy chatting (she took my blood pressure too - slightly raised for me), she was finally able to put in the cannula for the IV. I only told her afterwards what a drama it was last time!

It made a lot of difference having a plan to manage diabetes, and having the medical folks take it seriously. I made sure that I remained calm (and I truly never got stressed even when I got locked OUT of the OR! Lol) as it can affect my blood sugars and make them drop rapidly.

Getting the cannula in meant that I could have IV dextrose should I need it, and having the early breakfast ensured I had a "buffer" in the tank. But the Dexcom was the absolute winner on the day. Hubby could hold on to the receiver and manage it, we even practiced with him testing my blood sugar via fingerprick test the night before. We made sure to tell all nurses and the doctor that the alarms might go off and not to panic. We were able to discuss with Dr G how she would give small boluses of 20% dextrose should I go hypo.

I was now in my stylish white hospital-moo-moo gown and I clipped the insulin pump to the neckline. I was told to go to the bathroom one last time, and then it was show time!

When I came out of the bathroom the pre-op room was empty, but I could hear Hubby's voice behind the big wooden spaceship theatre door. They were saying "push the green button!" and once I figured out they were talking to me, I let myself into the OR!

Setup similarly to when Hubby had his sperm retrieval, the bed was on the left and I had to walk around him at the head of the bed, around the ultra-sound machine at the foot, past the hatch to the embryo-makin' lab, and climb on from the other side.
The stirrups were padded, but they still freaked me out a bit. I knew that there would be lots of scary equipment in there so I guess I was prepared for it. I hopped up (carefully this time!) and the two nurses, H and P, kept wanting me to shuffle down the bed. I got my calves in the stirrups and they laid a large white towel across me and asked me to shuffle the bottom of my gown/moo-moo up.

--- got tired again and had some dinner! ---

While one nurse attached a blood pressure cuff to my right arm, and a blood-oxygen monitor to my left index finger (which kept slipping, causing me to adjust it, causing the nurse to scold me for moving my IV arm hehe!), the other nurse was placing black drapes over my legs to keep them warm. They unhooked the "bum" of the bed and suddenly the towel didn't feel like enough coverage lol!

The doctor appeared at the foot of the bed and asked me my weight, she then used this to calculate the dosage of midazolam and fentanyl. The nurse gave me these (and some augmentin antibiotic since I'm T1) and warned I would start to feel loopy. I got a rush of cold choking feeling all up around my neck and got a bit worried, but everyone quickly reassured me that would just be because the medication was cold.
Hubby was right by my side and kept his hand on my right shoulder. :D

The drugs took effect very quickly and I got loopy really fast! I was intent on watching the ultrasound screen - I really wanted to see my eggs! - but it was all mostly hazy. I don't remember seeing the hatch or hearing the embryologist to my right at all, although she was well within earshot.

I felt the ultrasound probe and then the doctor told me to take a deep breath and she went in for the right ovary. There was pain which made me wince, but it was over relatively fast. Two eggs retrieved on the right. I knew I'd seen 3 there the other day so my brain was still working, sort of. I was awake enough to make jokes and be surprised at how awake I was. The sedation was pretty light, but I was really loopy.

Another breath, now the left side. This one was a lot more painful, and it got worse in the seconds following the needle going in, a kind of wrenching movement. I described the nature of the pain later to Hubby as being similar to when you get an intra-muscular injection in your arm, well think of a wider needle, and then imagine you get a really bad cramp in the muscle the moment of the injection. Yes it hurt, but it was very short lived feeling and I got instant relief once the needle was out. I later learned we got 3 on the left side.

It was over! We had eggs! I was really happy to be through it, and to know that it was a calm, happy, exciting experience. Yes there was some pain but it wasn't too bad and it felt like it was only a total of 30 seconds.

It seemed like after all the activity, there was a lull for a minute. The doctor and nurses seemed to vanish out of the room (probably just out of my line of sight) and I recall a kiss with my Hubby and him telling me he loved me and how brave I was. It was pure relief.

Nurse H took my blood pressure one last time and then re-installed the end of the bed and helped me take my legs out of the stirrups. I was unhooked from all the monitors and the nurse put a pad in my knickers and then got me to slide into them while half sitting up.

Then came the slow ascent to sitting up, swinging my legs down to the left. They made me wait until I was steady enough to stand and then Nurse H helped me up and held me steady from behind by each upper arm as she walked me back to the pre-op/post-op room. I sat in the big armchair and she wrapped me up in one of those flannel blanket sheet things. Nurse P brought in a tray of tea, coffee for Hubby, and plain biscuits. The embryologist popped in to say there were a total of 5 high quality eggs retrieved. Dr G came in on a couple of occasions to check on me. Two nurses and the doc all explained on separate occasions how to use the progesterone suppositories which I have take for 5 days at least! Eew!

Oh, the embryologist wrote her direct dial number down as I have to call her at 10am tomorrow (Sat) morning to learn how many have fertilized.

She will also call us on Sunday to advise whether a day 3 or day 5 embryo transfer will be best. Looks like we will be back in Hamilton on Monday or Wednesday!

We waited about an hour then I was awake enough to leave and we went to get lunch at our favorite kitchen. I picked up the prescription for codeine and then we set off home. I took another 2 codeine tablets after the one at the clinic, but the ride home was fairly loopy and dozy, although we were both pretty happy about how well things went.

After the clinic meds and the initial Codeine wore off I got some sharp stabby cramps so took another tab. I have had mild to moderate cramps for the rest of the day, although not too bad. I can walk carefully but no long distances - by which I mean walking from the house to the car is plenty!

It was great to get home and see the pets. My friends and family were all texting me supportive texts, and after a yummy dinner cooked by Hubby, he dropped me around to my parents and my Mum cut my hair for me! Win!

Please cross your fingers, wish me luck, say a little something, or think a happy thought for good news from the embryologist tomorrow! Thank you! :D

CD 10: Blood test and trigger shot

I was full of beans for most of today even after the huge road trip (9.5hrs) yesterday, trying to get home from the clinic through a storm, floods, slips, bridges out, trees fallen over!

The fertility clinic had called yesterday and advised that I would need a blood test this morning (progesterone and something else...?) so I was up early, had my last Orgalutran injection, then it was off to the med lab to visit the vampires. I passed over my "regular fertility patient" card for the first time, and decided to get an HbA1c while I was there. The technician was really great and told me an awesome story about the last time she got stuck on the road after a crash involving, of all things, a molasses truck. Good times.

Work was alright and I taught my class fine. In the after-lunch session the nurse called to advise me of the exact time for the trigger shot (Ovidrel): 9.40pm tonight. Since the egg collection will be precisely 36hrs after trigger, that means our appointment will be 9.40am on Friday morning (CD 12).

Mid-afternoon I felt absolutely exhausted. Yesterday is really catching up with me! I went around to have a chat with my Mum, and the Dr G (who did the scan yesterday) called twice to give me advice about the egg retrieval procedure. I can't eat for 4, preferably 6 hrs before the procedure, and can't drink for 2hrs prior. If I go low I can manage things with small amounts of clear apple juice, but the doc would really prefer if I woke up early and ate a small breakfast (this would be at 5.40am). At one point she wanted me to disconnect the insulin pump altogether as she thought that would prevent hypos, but I quickly informed her that it delivers my basal and I can't take it off. She was cool with it once I explained the difference between basal and bolus doses, but man, I really hate when other medical professionals (especially well meaning ones I have only just met) make sweeping proclamations about Type 1 Diabetes management! She wanted to know what model of pump I had, cos, she said, if I had one of the newer ones with the cgm capability that would be better. Why yes, yes I do have one of those, and Animas Vibe with Dexcom CGM and it is fantastic. I should have done it ages ago. But hey.

Paracetemol (acetiminophen) is contra-indicated with the Dexcom, and the nurse yesterday had asked me to take 3 x panadol tabs before the procedure. Dr G confirmed that I could just skip that altogether as it would be far better to have Hubby able to monitor my blood sugars, and they could manage my pain with fentanyl and codeine... good stuff. Codeine normally doesn't cut pain for me, it only makes me loopy. And I have had fentanyl before with no pain so I figure I should be fine. I confirmed that they will have a dextrose drip handy should I go low during the egg collection, and to get the cannula line in as soon as possible. That's all I really wanted them to do. I did not want suggestions on the pump or anything, I can do that thanks, been doing diabetes management for 25 years, and now Hubby and I have the Dexcom it's taken it, in his words "from a dark art to a manageable science." Indeed.

Oh, and I also had to do an infusion site change, and a dexcom site change! I was working my way through those site changes methodically while Hubby cooked dinner, and it took me over half an hour. By the end of it I thought I was going to slide off my chair with tiredness, but a tasty dinner of fish cakes, bacon, eggs on toast worked well to perk me up.

I took a shower after dinner, and didn't hear any of the reminder alarms going off telling me to take the Ovidrel. Whoops! step out of the shower and the insulin pumps says 9.39pm OMG rush out dripping and rip the Ovidrel out of the fridge. I quickly prepped my skin with an alcohol wipe and stabbed it in no probs. But man, I could have thrown the whole schedule out of whack!

No drugs or anything tomorrow. We have been madly checking the road closure websites, and it looks like we should be able to take our preferred route up tomorrow afternoon. Although Hubby has also been checking the airlines to make sure we can take a flight should it all go pear shaped! I figure we are setting off the afternoon prior to our appointment for a 3 hr journey, that should give us enough time to drive even the longest way should we need it. But I have to teach one more class tomorrow before we leave. Thankfully I will only miss one class this week (I don't teach Friday's on this semester) and then maybe another couple of days next week if we get to embryo transfer. Fingers crossed. I believe I am calm now, but I suspect I might get more tense and nervous once the transfer takes place cos then it's just up to me.

My Pump Start Experience - Part 2

Pre-pump start preparation

Try saying that 3 times quickly. ha.

Following on from my part 1 post, here are a few more things I did to prepare myself for the pump training day and pump start. Here are my recommendations:

• Do the grocery shopping so you will have enough food for healthy easy-to-cook meals in the house for a week.
• Have a shower the night before pump start. Take your time, wash your hair. Enjoy your last "free shower" for a while. Recognise that the next time you bathe it will be different.
• Put all the pump supplies and stuff in a box to take to training. Take more, or ask your nurse if you're not sure what to bring.
• Because I wasn't given a list of what to bring, I needed a few things extra which I only learned about or guessed because of reading blogs. Take the following:
• Your pump. Duh. But my trainer said it happens. And in one instance a mother of a diabetic child asked if she had to bring her kid!
• Infusion sets, cartridges, lines.
• Your CGM.
• Sensors and inserter.
• IV Prep wipes (they have adhesive in them, as well as alcohol)
• Unisolve wipes (for removing sticky things, you won't need it immediately but it's good to have it handy. A must for getting adhesive residue off)
• Micropore tape (to tape the line to your skin in a safety loop. My first safety loop saved my pump from the toilet on the very first night!)
• Opsite Felifix tape. (Use this to hold the Dexcom on for longer)
• Scissors (for various tapes and packaging)
• A small bottle of hand-sanitiser (alcohol, I got one that has aloe vera in it)
• A notebook and pen.
• Your camera/smartphone to take a pic of your first site insertion!
• Pack your lunch the night before. Everything needs to be carb counted. I have been weighing things all week, and then looking them up on Calorie King. I also started writing the carb counts of food like muesli bars on the individual wrappers, and on the glad wrap of unpackaged foods.
• Aim to eat similar meals at similar times of the day for a couple of days prior to the pump start, so you know what those foods should do to your blood sugars.
• Record your blood sugars in as much detail as possible to get a good "before and after" picture.
• Preferably earlier than the day before pump start: get your HbA1c, get a general medical check done, go to the dentist for your checkup, take your vitamins (if any), stay away from sick folks as you don't want any unplanned sickness while you are learning the pump.

Pump Start Training

My husband works from home mostly, so he was able to drive me to the pump start day at the hospital. There would be two of us being trained by two different pump reps for both Animas and Medtronic. I also knew my DNE would be there.

Well, there were 9 people in that room when I walked in! Me, the other diabetic woman, our DNE (1), two more DNEs (2 + 3) who wanted to learn more about T1 and pumps, two Animas pump trainers and two Medtronic trainers. Plus our endo popped in at one point. Plus me makes 10. There were a total of four diabetics present. The most I have ever experienced as an adult.

I put my huge box of stuff on the floor and started pulling out my Animas box. I felt rather self-conscious as 9 pairs of eyes watched me, and I must say that the other T1D's face was fixated on my pump box. She had the Minimed Paradigm plus their CGM. I opened my box and showed her my pink pump, and I may have detected a little envy? Maybe a little consternation that she had not been offered this pump choice? Or that she had been counselled away from it? Who knows. I could be reading too much into it. Could have just been nerves.

We started off by going over the rough schedule for the day, and introducing everyone. I introduced myself and explained what I did for a career. Our DNE gave us some initial instruction, and we were given out basal rates, I:C ratios, ISF, and BG targets for the first day.

Then we split up into two camps to complete basic training and installation. I can't speak for what happened in the Medtronic training as I didn't see any of it, but everyone was pretty friendly - and nervous! The anticipation! Wow!

I had my Animas trainer, T, and a new Animas trainer, K, who would be doing his very first training session with me. I felt fully fine with this, as T was obviously going to be helping out and watching closely, and I had so many nurses and diabetics to hand that I knew I would be looked after well. One of the other DNE's also joined us, as she (I think) specialised in T2 and wanted to upskill by learning about the pump.

The Animas-camp moved into a smaller room, and K explained that the first thing we would do was install the infusion set, to "get it out of the way, otherwise you won't be able to concentrate". Very cool! I was given a training manual and then we were into the practical stuff.

Very quickly, I learned that humour and nodding and saying "I understand" would be the quickest way through this. Since I had watched so many videos of people doing site changes, there were few pieces of brand new information to me. I had a good overall idea of what was going to happen, and just made sure to ask questions as they occurred to me. It's just, things seemed to take so long, and even when I nodded that I understood, K would still have to explain things in full to me. I expect that as part of the routine there are various things that have to be explained ad nauseum for legal reasons. But it's a small moan really, as the trainers both said I was doing really well all the time.

Best bits

K had two demo pumps, plus I had my real one. Nurse S was offered one pump to use and K took the other. After putting in the battery I learnt how to set my basal rates into the pump and review them carefully.

We started off with washing hands and talking about keeping surfaces and hands clean. And then it was time to put in my first ever infusion site!!!

Looking ever so slightly green, K announced that he would put in a site on himself which surprised me a bit, I was expecting only to be guided through it. I suggested that instead of him doing the whole thing then asking me to repeat a long bunch of steps that rather we do it together step-by-step. Hey, if it works for my students, it should work for me too! hee! They liked the idea so K took a blue Inset 30 inserter, and I took my pink one.

He showed me how to open the inserter pack, and suggested I hitch my skivvy up under my bra so it wouldn't fall down and contaminate the site. I used the alcohol wipe to clean my skin in a spiral motion. And after watching K carefully as he inserted his blue site, it was my turn. I decided that if I just did it, then it would be done. If I screwed it up, so what? I could just try again elsewhere. So I put the little feet of the inserter on my belly, pushed a little bit so the skin bulged, and then squeezed the release trigger. It shot the needle down into my abdomen at an angle, and I sure did feel it go in. But it wasn't super painful. Nowhere near as bad as getting an intramuscular immunisations shot in the arm, for instance. It was worse than a pen injection due to the speed and force, and I think I was quite tense which made it worse. But it was more the force I felt, not pain. The closest I could explain it is if someone pokes you with a wooden toothpick hard but quickly. Overall I was surprised at how quickly it was over and how very little it hurt. In fact I couldn't feel it at all after about 15 seconds. After about 30 seconds, a wave of a dull ache started at the site, the feeling you get when there is something sharp sticking in you, and if you move too far or too fast, it will really hurt. But I wouldn't classify it as pain. More just a warning of potential pain if I moved. I was also quite tense and since I was unsure about how it should feel, I took great effort not to knock it or move my belly muscles.

But it never did get any worse and before I knew it, it was right on to doing my first cartridge fill with a demo cartridge and... "Pretendy Insulin" so labelled because it is in fact an old Novolog vial filled with tap water! This was T's sense of humour and it takes the prize for the cutest thing of the day! :)

After the demo cartridge, it was time to do my real cartridge, with real insulin. Suddenly I was a lot more concerned about the bubbles! K kept telling me to hold the cartridge upright and flick it around in a swirling motion, but I must have been doing it wrong lol. I just wanted to fix it the way I knew works best, from years and years of MDI with syringes!

I loaded the cartridge and then attached the line. And before I knew it, I was pumping insulin. It was all so delightfully easy and pain-free that I couldn't help smiling a huge smile and taking a photo:

First pic of my first infusion site and pumping insulin for the first time evah! I'm sitting down that's why my tummy looks so odd. lol

Worst bits

[I didn't really want to write this bit, mainly because I know one of the people involved has access to this blog. Isn't that always the way. You find yourself censoring things to protect folks in real life. Well, I figure if this is to be an accurate record then it should be honest. The person involved, I'm sure, would be the first to admit that we both have strong personalities, and that we have all made up and are fine now. It's not identifying. But it did affect me terribly at the time so I have decided to write it down. It it's you, well, um sorry? Hey it happened and it wasn't exactly a private exchange...]

After all of the adrenaline of the morning, and after afternoon tea and a second session of training which covered setting all manner of things on the pump, we gathered together in the big room before lunch. We had covered a lot of stuff including putting on the Dexcom, but not boluses. It was the one thing I was suddenly getting some urgency about because lunch was coming up. Earlier in the morning, DNE 1 had asked when we should break for lunch. She suggested 12.30 or 1pm. I raised my hand and suggested that maybe the diabetics should decide, as I ate at 12noon. Well, lunch was late. I was edgy, and in the pre-lunch gathering DNE growled my trainers for not teaching me boluses yet! However, I knew more about the CGM than the other "team" as it turned out. It started to get quite competitive and I did not find that helpful one little bit.

Lunch was short, because.... um the morning session ran late, but for some unknown reason they couldn't give more than 20 mins for lunch??? Anyway, I texted my Hubby to come and pick me up so I could have lunch at home. He was a the front doors in a flash and once we got home (like a 60 second journey! They wouldn't let me walk home!) I heated my lunch, did tests, and discovered that the Dexcom 2hr warm-up time had just finished. So I got distracted, but in a good way! I tested and was low. 4.3mmol/L. Sh*t. Normally I would eat my lunch and have juice and test again some 15 mins later. But I had to get back to training. And I had to use the pump to deliver my insulin according to it's software and algorithms. So I hoovered up my noodles and kiwifruit, and tested again as late as possible. But not long enough, only 10 mins. I was still low. I decided to work out a dose on my iPhone app and just give that manually.

Well, when I got back to training I was going a bit high. Only 12 or something. Not much. But enough for DNE 1 to scold me out in front of everyone and ask my why I had done things the way I did them. And basically tell me I made the wrong decision not to just trust the pump. I was recovering from a low (which she had been made aware of) and was super stressed and nervous about the whole process of changing to the pump. I started to get emotional and I could feel the frustration and anger and tears welling up. When I go low, I lose my words, and I often have an inability to form my thoughts into coherent sentences which actually mean what I am thinking for up to 15 mins post a low. I get severe lethargy and a semi-wet-concrete brain for up to a couple of hours post a low. I was not in a good place to be called out on something as basic as an insulin dose at that moment. I just told her "I can't take this right now!" Thankfully, one of the Medtronic trainers who also happened to be diabetic piped up and said some soothing comforting things, and smoothed things over. I made sure, once I understood where my feeling came from to tell DNE that I understood what she was trying to say to me. I know she was just trying to look after me, but her manner was rough in that minute.

And what were my feelings, you ask? Well, I had spent so long preparing and thinking about the physical aspect of being attached to the pump, that I hadn't considered quite how dramatically it would affect me emotionally.

Having to give over control, completely, to a machine.

In my 25 years with T1D, most of the time either it's been my parents or myself in the driver's seat. I have been working out the carbs, dosing the insulin, and organising all the appointment and treatment since my teens. Giving even part of that up was hard. Once I had had that shown to me, I could actively manage my emotions and make strategies to deal with the changeover. Such as just treating the new pump as an experiment, one that although not without risks, was done in a semi-controlled environment with lots of people around me to help. I would be ok. Suddenly, it seemed do-able.

Things I didn't expect

• How NOT painful site and sensor insertions would be. Just do them calmly and quickly so you don't tense up. No big deal.
• How much I was unprepared for the giving-over of control to the pump.
• How useful all the video-watching and prep I'd done would be. The training is a blur to me now, but it was helpful to see things in real life and to pull and the bits together.
• How emotional it could get.
• That my DNE would expect me to run at 4.5 all day. Both the other trainee and I went "you've got to be kidding!" but she assured me it would be fine. And she was right.
• To have all those people in the room.
• How unsupported I could feel at times.
• How very strange it would be to spend a whole 2 days dedicated to diabetes AND NOTHING ELSE.
• How weird it would be talking to nearly complete strangers about my most personal and intimate moments and choices with diabetes.

What I wish I knew before hand

• It's quite possible to wear the pump so no-one knows.
• It also possible to be so comfortable with the pump and dex that you forget you're wearing them.
• It's super fantastic to have another method to measure my blood glucose, and the Dex certainly gives the crappy Caresens N-Pop a run for it's money! On the very first day the Dex caught multiple lows that the meter didn't show up and I didn't feel. Being able to take preventative action to both lows and highs is amazing.
  Don't expect to come down from highs really fast. Generally I am finding that if I go high (above about 11) then it takes about an hour before I come down, but the drop is more gradual. IOB is excellent and prevent the never-ending roller-coaster of glucose fluctuations.
• Taking a shower is different, but not bad. It just takes more planning (taping etc).
• You will still need to be your own advocate for your health, and to take charge of your diabetes.
• But... it's important to listen and allow the trainers and DNEs to take care of you.
• Involve your partner, spouse, family, etc as much as possible, and don't be shy to share what you have learnt with them. They are probably quite affected by the whole process and they may be more scared and nervous than you are. Clear communication is very important!
• Drink lots of water. You can actually see the action of water as it dilutes your blood sugar on the Dexcom graph!
• That I would get a 2-day migraine from the sudden drop and stabilisation of my blood sugars. Since panadol (acetaminophen) is out of the question with the Dex (and is useless to boot) I had neurofen (ibuprofen).
• Just how much it would take over my brain. I can talk of little else, to the point where I can be concentrating on a conversation and then I'll just say something totally out of context like "it's really cool being bionic, here let me know you..."
• How many different names for pumping there are: robot-parts, android, cyborg, bionic. And people's funny responses to seeing the pump first time: "so, you don't have to inject or test your blood anymore?", "oh that will make things so much simpler for you!", "can you be hacked?", "I'm a tax-payer, and you are now my tax-payer funded android. You are a terrible android since you won't grade all these students' assignments for me!", "I think you will be the first to reach the singularity (where the human mind can be uploaded to the computer. It was followed by raised eye-brows when I informed them how I had been already uploading my data", "ooh! Biometric data!".
• You can do this!

My thoughts now

At the time of finishing writing this post, I have been wearing the pump and dex for 10 days. I have done 4 site changes and one dex change.

I am now very comfortable wearing both, and I have developed a habit of flashing people my belly to show them my cool new robot parts. I even showed an entire class. It prompted a really good discussion and they were all so curious.

As each day went on, things got easier and more familiar. I was at first very tense, both physically and emotionally about having the devices attached, but as I learned to relax into it, things got easier. I treated each new activity as a challenge: first night with the pump, first day back at work, first bike ride, first unbroken sleep, first pump low alarm, first class taught, first shopping trip for clothing, wearing the pump in as many places as possible, stretching (that took me a while! I thought it would hurt lol).

The Dexcom is AMAZING and if I had to pick just one device, it would be the Dex all the way. The pump is allowing me to achieve flat lines in my blood glucose graphs like I've never seen before in my life. With these two devices I am finally able to spot some trends and patterns. When I start to go low, I know roughly how fast I am dropping and how low I am currently so I can take an appropriate amount of juice - not too much.

I am really loving the stability and control I have gained.

My husband keeps telling me he can't believe how much energy I have now. And my semi-continuous headache has finally lifted (you know, the one you get from bouncing between 2 and 20 in a day?)

My family, friends, colleagues and students have all been loving, supportive, or curious. I have not had anyone be negative about it, and I have been able to talk about T1D a lot in this past week. That has to be positive.

I am downloading all my data nightly and uploading it to Diasend. So far I am averaging about 92% in target range. My target is 8 and that is my average reading both from my CGM and blood glucose meter.

For the future

I really hope that this will mean excellent control as we head into IVF soon. It will only be a couple of weeks away now, and we got some more good news: the AMH test came back at 15.35 mmol which is firmly in the green! I was worried about this, but things are all lining up as best they can.

I am really excited about this huge step in my life. Overall things are going incredibly positively, and the pump and CGM together are like having my eyes opened after being blind for 25 years. It's going well. If you are considering doing this, I would love to hear from you. If you have tips and tricks for me - yes, you should so email me! I need to know all your goodness and pick your brain please?! :D thekaitakeblog @ gmail com

My Pump Start Experience - Part 1

I officially became an insulin pumper on 18th September 2013, at 10.19am.

I really wanted to write down what it's like to go on an insulin pump for the first time while it's all still fresh in my mind, so that I have a good record and so I can share my experiences with others online. Although I've seen plenty of blogs written by pumpers, I haven't stumbled across many "pump start" posts that aren't kids on pumps - and I'm a T1D 25+ yrs!

Because there is so much to tell you all, and I am so very tired at present, I've decided to break the writing of this post into a couple of parts. So please follow along!

As yet... still unnamed. Thoughts? "My Pump" is a little boring!

My pump is a sparkly new pink Animas Vibe. Since I am in New Zealand, I was able to apply for - and have received - public funding for this pump valued at NZD $8000. The consumables ~$2000 p/year are also funded, and my first approval is valid for 9 months. I have to reapply after that and so long as I behave myself and show I am making improvements to my health and keeping my HbA1c below 60(?) mmol then I should be fine.

It took several months from the time I made the decision to email my endo and say "Hey, I want to go on a pump! Can you write my application letter?" to actually being approved, to organising meetings with the two pump reps and then coordinating with my Diabetes Nurse Educator to book in the pump start. Which was a bit of a struggle.

But I'm here now, and it's going superbly well. I am completely exhausted, these last 3 days have been incredibly intense, but I think it is going to be a GOOD THING for me :)

My thoughts before...

When I first thought about getting a pump, about 10 years ago, I didn't know much about them. I was scared of the idea of being tethered to something all the time, and I figured that since they weren't funded (then), that I would just have to do my best to emulate a pump with injections. I tried this as best I could, by using Lantus and Humalog, and doing smaller doses throughout the day. I tried to emulate a combo/square bolus by splitting my bolus injection for large meals. I used two apps by FridayForward (I credit them with a 2% drop in my HbA1c) which I heartily recommend as they taught me about I:C ratios, ISF, and blood glucose targets. I last did diabetes education when I was 5. That is 26 years ago!! So I had just been coasting along, doing my thing, but not really keeping up with technology or best practice for diabetes management. So once I got the wake up call from my new Endo that what I thought was good control was in fact, quite erratic and full of fluctuations, I decided to do something about it. I am not sure that any diabetes management would work without that internal motivation, cos every method takes lots of work.

I found Kerri Sparling's blog, sixuntilme, and I pored over the archives there. Suddenly, an insulin pump seemed desirable again, and her writing and videos showed me how a confident successful woman could handle diabetes with conviction. I explored further, finding TuDiabetes and the massive collection of wonderful diabetics online who are all asking questions, sharing, and teaching. My diabetes education was online, it was self-taught, and it was at my own pace. If I saw people talking about "IOB" in a post, I would take initiative and go find out what it was, then see if I could apply that to my own situation with MDI. Gradually, I found the online support network that I had been missing during my teens. I did not knowingly encounter another T1D after I attended my last diabetic camp at about age 12, and I didn't stay in contact with any of the kids as I was too young to realise how important they might be to me later. I felt that diabetes was my thing, it was personal to me, and it made me special. I was the only one who had it. Very surprisingly, I never had any real rebellion against diabetes and my self-management. I just had a whole lot of very out-dated learning that I still trusted in, and being reluctant to change, my new Endo and Diabetes Nurse Educator (DNE) had a bit of a battle convincing me otherwise.

In more recent years, I have been much more vocal about my diabetes. I have become more confident as a person; I graduated, got a job, was made redundant, found a wonderful new job, I broke my back twice, I got married, we decided to start a family, I have teenage step-kids, I started blogging and sharing my story about T1D and infertility. Lot's of stuff, you know: life.

My Endo saw the work I was doing, but would always tell me he had no ideas about what was causing my horrendous fluctuations in blood glucose levels. I was testing 8+ times per day, on a split dose of Lantus (9am, 8pm) with 5+ Humalog injections (I:C 1:8am, 1:10lunch, 1:12dinner, 1:14supper). He wrote me blood tests for everything under the sun, trying to find the magical missing element which was causing all the trouble. But we never found anything.

This. OMG. Go get some and put it in your mouthparts NOW!

In the lead up to the pump start day, I was tense and nervous and pretty useless: I had trouble concentrating, I was getting itchy excema on my back, and my face was trying it's best to break-out. I may have eaten a whole lot of comfort chocolate. Although my logical brain knew that there would be nurses and doctors and husbands to look after me, I was terrified of...something. Most of the time I was ludicrously happy that I was finally going to get to try a pump. And stupendously ridiculously deliriously happy that I was getting a CGM (bought by my wonderful Dad xox). I tried to articulate this strange dichotomy of feelings to my husband, my friend at work, and my Mum, but I could never get them to understand how I felt.

Since we are about to start our first round of IVF in October (less than a month, now), I had this added pressure to have the pump work well. The whole reason and motivation for actually getting off my arse and doing this work to switch to the pump was to prepare for any potential pregnancy. A diabetic friend of mine had been on MDI and when she finally got pregnant and wanted to go on the pump, she was too sick to do so. I knew I had to get this show on the road. And what's more, it seemed that the pump and CGM was waaaaaaaay more complex than the IVF stuff. There, the fertility doctors are in control (kind of). They decide the dosages and everything has a fixed time span. But with the pump I knew I would be doing 2 days training then be trying to do it on my own. It seemed like a much more mammoth task than contemplating IVF. I guess it's just due to the fact that I can be a control freak, and the thought of being out of control with my diabetes didn't exactly give me warm fuzzies.

So, I spent the time organising things. This was partly purely practical, to be ready. But also to fill my time and stop my stupid brain from going into a nervous meltdown of anxiety. Which I did at least twice.

A diabetic from the South Island (Hi S!) made contact with me via email, and it was wonderful to have someone experiencing the same things. I also watched a lot of videos about inserting sites, changing cartridges, and most important: where to wear the pump!? Two nights before pump start I royally freaked out about that, since I decided I only had one pair of pants that would be strong enough to support the weight of the pump. I wear a lot of dresses, and after watching some videos by Candace from Sweetful Stuff and Diabetic Danica, I took action and planned what I could do with my wardrobe.

I spent a lot of time thinking about how it would feel to wear a pump. Would it hurt? Would I be able to do things? What would it be like to shower with things stuck to me? I had these questions so I read forums and blogs to get answers. I stuck a band-aid to my tummy for a couple of days to gauge what it might feel like, and when I did an injection with my pen, I held the needle under the surface (quite still) for half a minute and decided that I couldn't actually feel it at all. Only the sharp bit hurts as it goes through the nerves at the surface of the skin. Ok, it should be fine, I decided.

An impressive big box of stuff. Note: always take the time to look like a suspicious patient and CHECK the box against the script! Bits were missing causing 2 additional pharmacy trips :/

Animas Vibe with cartridges back left and Inset 30 infusion sites and lines back right.

My pump arrived, and the consumables. The folks at my pharmacy had never processed a pump script before so they were really intrigued by it all. I think that pharmacy became my second home this week! lol :P  Then my Dad bought the CGM and that arrived. Soon I had boxes and boxes of stuff covering the lounge room floor. I had read some of the Animas manual online, so decided not to freak myself out by reading the printed one prior to the training. The Dexcom came with a DVD, so I took it round to my parents place and Dad and I watched it together. It was quite tedious, but later I found it so useful as preparation.

Being in contact with my pump rep and asking questions was really helpful, and she made me feel a lot calmer about things, like I would be supported throughout.

Oh, and I had a birthday in amongst all that too!

From my Sweet Husband! Aww!

Look out for my next post: "The pump start"