11dp3dt - 1st Beta HCG

It's good news folks. Yes! Pregnant!

We were waiting and waiting for the call. I was trying really hard to be patient, and since the nurse had said it would be around 2 - 3pm call time, when it ticked over 3pm I started to consider phoning the clinic myself!

Hubby kept me busy by handing me some work (coding, occupies the brain quite well) then we went for a drive to his new work to collect some files for a new project. My sister also works there and when she saw me she meerkat-ed up from her desk and was like "are you..., do you know?" And I had to tell her "no news".

3.45pm: We drove home, and just as we were parking the car Nurse P called! She said "I have some great news, you're pregnant congratulations!" She then went on to say that they like a number over 50 for day 14*, and my bHCG test came back as 94! She was really positive and sounded confident, which has given us confidence to start believing it, a bit.

(* day 14 = what the nurse said, as in I have been counting wrong all these days. It is actually 11dp3dt. Doh.)

The emotions are predominantly shock, relief, happiness, and OMG! We smiled a lot, and Hubby shed a tear and got all giggly! I think Hubby felt the truth of the news much sooner than me, as I am still not having a really strong emotional reaction. But, a part of that is that I have been feeling the symptoms for days now, so I would have been mighty surprised if it came back negative.

Nurse P went on to say that I would need to repeat the test on Tuesday (which will be 15dp3dt or day 18) and they will call again in the afternoon with results.

I have been looking online for beta doubling numbers, and of course Google does not have the answers I am looking for. Namely, what MY result will be!

Diabetes-wise, I had my suspicions that this IVF thing had worked when I started getting low blood sugars in amongst all that progesterone. One of the first ways that a type 1 diabetic is affected by pregnancy is by lows. So, that was actually the first hint. Plus, I am pretty sure I felt implantation, it was sharp like a really bad pulled abdominal muscle. At the time I was pretty sure it would have been too early, but on doing more research I realise it was just about the right time.

So, time to tell people. I had several stern words from family and friends yesterday who have been following and supporting us all through out journey. Mainly they wanted to tell me that I must put them out of their suspense-misery quick smart!

We drove around to my parents place (they both have the week off work which is convenient) but they were out, so I sent them a neutral-flavoured text asking when they would be home. 15 mins, right, see you then.

In the meantime we skipped over to Hubby's Mum's place and she was the first person we told. In the back garden, in the sunshine, with her neighbours looking on :) She gave us both a big hug and looked really, really happy.

Because MIL had mentioned that eldest-stepson was coming to have dinner with her, Hubby thought it would be a good idea to track him down (he works after school at his high school IT dept.) just so both he and MIL could know together for their dinner. We texted him, then went and gave him the news in the school library. He gave us both a big hug and smiled.

Next up, we tried visiting my parents again and they were home with the door wide open. We walked in and I said "We've got good news!" and my Mum just caught me in a big hug. Big hugs all round!

And lastly for the hug-a-thon, we tripped over to the kids' house to tell the two younger step kids, more smiles, hugs, and then we got to see youngest's new bike he's building.

By that time it was nearly dinner time, so Hubby suggested we go out to celebrate. Yay! We went and got Greek food. I was feeling pretty bloated, uncomfortable, crampy, sore, and I just felt so full it almost hurt to breathe. But soooooo happy. We couldn't stop smiling and saying "oh wow!"

While waiting for our meals, I texted a few of my friends who have been following our journey closely, and soon the phone was buzzing so much the waiter was giving me strange looks lol. Then one of my friends who is also TTC started asking me questions like, when does morning sickness start? and I realised I don't know. I then started thinking about all the other things I don't know.

And then, we talked about how both of us have been focusing so much on reaching this goal, that we haven't really considered pregnancy much. I know I haven't. I mean, I know it's coming, it's here, but I have had this superstitious thought that if I ponder what it would be like for me to be pregnant, count my chickens before they hatch etc etc, then I would jinx things.

All this is leading me to believe that I know embarrassingly little amount about actual pregnancy itself. Time to get reading.

And then I thought, what the hell, let's grab a couple of home pregnancy tests. And some antacids. And some more prunes. And chiiiiiiiipies!

My first positive home pregnancy test at 11dp3dt. The line is faint, but it's definitely there!

And, as promised some days ago, here is a beautiful, beautiful picture. This is our embryo at 3 days old, 6 cells.

Our embryo. Love.

Thank you so much to everyone who hoped, prayed, wished us well, and crossed your fingers. All that love your sent must have helped! :D

CD 12: Egg retrieval procedure

Please forgive me if this post makes less sense than usual, or rambles, as I am still awash with codeine!

Good news! We got 5 excellent looking eggs! I'm really happy with this and the embryologist said they all look the have good membranes.

By now, we may have a 7-hour-old! How crazy is that?

Started off this morning very early with a light breakfast at 5.40am (4hrs prior to OPU) and then napped until 7am. I got up, had a shower, got dressed and we packed up the car and drove over to the fertility clinic at 9am.

As normal we checked in and were given little slips of paper to take across to the other side of the building. Mine said OPU 9.40am (oocyte pick-up) and Hubby's said sperm sample! I told the receptionist that wouldn't be necessary or possible since Hubby had to have TESA sperm retrieval, but on closer inspection the form said "from andrology" so it must just have been a "defrost this please" note lol.

We were in the waiting room long enough for me to look through a couple pages of the morning paper, and then our old nurse came out to take us through to the Pre-op/post-op room with the armchair.

We got talking about diabetes and she told us how she has struggled with T2 and so has her family. It was nice to share with her, and Hubby showed her the Dexcom while I went to the bathroom.
Then started an onslaught of nurses, doctors, embryologists all checking my name and date of birth. I had yet more forms to fill out, and they must have told me all about everything at least thrice.
I was very impressed with the embryologist, T, who told us how she feels a great responsibility to take get time to search for the best quality sperm from a sample, since she is choosing the DNA of our potential future children. We asked her when exactly would the ICSI fertilization take place, and she said she would start the process at 2pm, carefully washing the eggs, then putting then in an acid solution to remove the outer membrane. She would then take her time looking for good quality sperm to fertilize all the eggs with. She reckoned that 2.30pm should be about fertilization time! :D

---- I had a break from writing, got a bit tired! ----

Anyway, after the doctor tried to come in several times only to find the nurse and I were busy chatting (she took my blood pressure too - slightly raised for me), she was finally able to put in the cannula for the IV. I only told her afterwards what a drama it was last time!

It made a lot of difference having a plan to manage diabetes, and having the medical folks take it seriously. I made sure that I remained calm (and I truly never got stressed even when I got locked OUT of the OR! Lol) as it can affect my blood sugars and make them drop rapidly.

Getting the cannula in meant that I could have IV dextrose should I need it, and having the early breakfast ensured I had a "buffer" in the tank. But the Dexcom was the absolute winner on the day. Hubby could hold on to the receiver and manage it, we even practiced with him testing my blood sugar via fingerprick test the night before. We made sure to tell all nurses and the doctor that the alarms might go off and not to panic. We were able to discuss with Dr G how she would give small boluses of 20% dextrose should I go hypo.

I was now in my stylish white hospital-moo-moo gown and I clipped the insulin pump to the neckline. I was told to go to the bathroom one last time, and then it was show time!

When I came out of the bathroom the pre-op room was empty, but I could hear Hubby's voice behind the big wooden spaceship theatre door. They were saying "push the green button!" and once I figured out they were talking to me, I let myself into the OR!

Setup similarly to when Hubby had his sperm retrieval, the bed was on the left and I had to walk around him at the head of the bed, around the ultra-sound machine at the foot, past the hatch to the embryo-makin' lab, and climb on from the other side.
The stirrups were padded, but they still freaked me out a bit. I knew that there would be lots of scary equipment in there so I guess I was prepared for it. I hopped up (carefully this time!) and the two nurses, H and P, kept wanting me to shuffle down the bed. I got my calves in the stirrups and they laid a large white towel across me and asked me to shuffle the bottom of my gown/moo-moo up.

--- got tired again and had some dinner! ---

While one nurse attached a blood pressure cuff to my right arm, and a blood-oxygen monitor to my left index finger (which kept slipping, causing me to adjust it, causing the nurse to scold me for moving my IV arm hehe!), the other nurse was placing black drapes over my legs to keep them warm. They unhooked the "bum" of the bed and suddenly the towel didn't feel like enough coverage lol!

The doctor appeared at the foot of the bed and asked me my weight, she then used this to calculate the dosage of midazolam and fentanyl. The nurse gave me these (and some augmentin antibiotic since I'm T1) and warned I would start to feel loopy. I got a rush of cold choking feeling all up around my neck and got a bit worried, but everyone quickly reassured me that would just be because the medication was cold.
Hubby was right by my side and kept his hand on my right shoulder. :D

The drugs took effect very quickly and I got loopy really fast! I was intent on watching the ultrasound screen - I really wanted to see my eggs! - but it was all mostly hazy. I don't remember seeing the hatch or hearing the embryologist to my right at all, although she was well within earshot.

I felt the ultrasound probe and then the doctor told me to take a deep breath and she went in for the right ovary. There was pain which made me wince, but it was over relatively fast. Two eggs retrieved on the right. I knew I'd seen 3 there the other day so my brain was still working, sort of. I was awake enough to make jokes and be surprised at how awake I was. The sedation was pretty light, but I was really loopy.

Another breath, now the left side. This one was a lot more painful, and it got worse in the seconds following the needle going in, a kind of wrenching movement. I described the nature of the pain later to Hubby as being similar to when you get an intra-muscular injection in your arm, well think of a wider needle, and then imagine you get a really bad cramp in the muscle the moment of the injection. Yes it hurt, but it was very short lived feeling and I got instant relief once the needle was out. I later learned we got 3 on the left side.

It was over! We had eggs! I was really happy to be through it, and to know that it was a calm, happy, exciting experience. Yes there was some pain but it wasn't too bad and it felt like it was only a total of 30 seconds.

It seemed like after all the activity, there was a lull for a minute. The doctor and nurses seemed to vanish out of the room (probably just out of my line of sight) and I recall a kiss with my Hubby and him telling me he loved me and how brave I was. It was pure relief.

Nurse H took my blood pressure one last time and then re-installed the end of the bed and helped me take my legs out of the stirrups. I was unhooked from all the monitors and the nurse put a pad in my knickers and then got me to slide into them while half sitting up.

Then came the slow ascent to sitting up, swinging my legs down to the left. They made me wait until I was steady enough to stand and then Nurse H helped me up and held me steady from behind by each upper arm as she walked me back to the pre-op/post-op room. I sat in the big armchair and she wrapped me up in one of those flannel blanket sheet things. Nurse P brought in a tray of tea, coffee for Hubby, and plain biscuits. The embryologist popped in to say there were a total of 5 high quality eggs retrieved. Dr G came in on a couple of occasions to check on me. Two nurses and the doc all explained on separate occasions how to use the progesterone suppositories which I have take for 5 days at least! Eew!

Oh, the embryologist wrote her direct dial number down as I have to call her at 10am tomorrow (Sat) morning to learn how many have fertilized.

She will also call us on Sunday to advise whether a day 3 or day 5 embryo transfer will be best. Looks like we will be back in Hamilton on Monday or Wednesday!

We waited about an hour then I was awake enough to leave and we went to get lunch at our favorite kitchen. I picked up the prescription for codeine and then we set off home. I took another 2 codeine tablets after the one at the clinic, but the ride home was fairly loopy and dozy, although we were both pretty happy about how well things went.

After the clinic meds and the initial Codeine wore off I got some sharp stabby cramps so took another tab. I have had mild to moderate cramps for the rest of the day, although not too bad. I can walk carefully but no long distances - by which I mean walking from the house to the car is plenty!

It was great to get home and see the pets. My friends and family were all texting me supportive texts, and after a yummy dinner cooked by Hubby, he dropped me around to my parents and my Mum cut my hair for me! Win!

Please cross your fingers, wish me luck, say a little something, or think a happy thought for good news from the embryologist tomorrow! Thank you! :D

Our initial RE appointment - take 2!

So, we have finally started this thing.

For months, years, it has felt like I am running, moving my legs like a cartoon, trying to gain forward momentum but never going anywhere. As if my legs couldn't gain purchase on the ground. As if I was not even touching the ground. Yesterday the ground was raised up and my toes dug into the soil and I have taken off. Forward. At last.

I have written previously about the veil of grey lifting off me. Now it is like the massive, oppressive weight of uncertainty has lifted. I wasn't even conscious of the huge effect this was having on me until it was gone. I am laughing and joking and the tension has melted somewhat.

We travelled to Hamilton for our second "initial consult" at the fertility clinic. Because the first didn't go so well.

This was were we talked with a reproductive endocrinologist about what we will do to try and get pregnant, to try and have a child together.

We need sperm retrieval surgery, IVF and ICSI.

Things will become official shortly when we get the letter saying we formally qualify for public funding. That letter will contain a date which will be our starting "month" for IVF treatment. Prior to that (about 6 months from now) my husband will have sperm retrieval surgery. And then IVF will occur about 18 months from now. It may be sooner if someone else on the program pulls out.

We spoke to both the RE who explained the procedures and the nurse who will be assisting. Neither of them seemed to have much experience with T1 diabetic patients, so I will be hunting down as much research as I can about how IVF drug therapy affects blood sugars. The nurse even told me outright that she had never worked with a T1 diabetic patient before. She told me that I should expect to "have to contact my diabetes management team at least 3 times while undergoing IVF treatment, you know, to monitor my blood sugar levels and adjust insulin, because you have to maintain a good level" Arrrrggg! said my inside voice. My polite, outside voice said something like "actually, I test my blood sugar about 15 times a day and do about 8 injections, all carefully adjusted by myself, too. I also have a pretty good HbA1c of 6.1%" The nurse did look a little flabbergasted at those numbers. I suppose she is used to having patients freak out at the prospect of injecting themselves once per day for a measly 2 weeks, not 8 in a day for 24 years! I wanted her to know what she is dealing with, and now that she has time to learn about T1, I hope she makes the effort. Both RE and nurse said they will work with my GP and my diabetic endocrinologist, which pleases me.

We opted to do an AMH blood test, which measures ovarian reserve. This will allow the RE to select an appropriate drug protocol for me out of the two choices she's whittled it down to. One is a 4 week protocol, and the other is a more popular 8 week protocol. The nurse made noises like she would put me on the shorter one, so my diabetes is less affected. But I said we want the one that will have the best chance at a good outcome. The $100 AMH test will be making the decision for us. Hopefully it is good news. Bad news would mean we have to act quicker, and as you know we can't afford to pay privately for treatment.

So nothing is set in stone, but is just an amazing feeling for me to know that we are on the waiting list now. Nothing tangible has changed, it's all still quite theoretical, but it's a huge change for me and I must say I feel amazingly light and, dare I say it, buoyant.

We got given a pack of phamphlets and books and a DVD. We have consent forms to sign.

I've been put back on 5mg folic acid, and will stay on it every day for up to 18 months+ We have to try and avoid caffeine, tea, coffee, and green tea even. (Being a T1 diabetic means that the only liquids I currently drink are water, milk, juice for treating lows, diet coke but not so much now that I get migraines from the aspartame, and black tea. God, I am going to miss my tea) Maintain ideal BMI. Be good. Take vitamins. Exercise.

There are a thousand details and questions, but the main things I took away from the appointment are that:

1. Yes, I can work with this woman (RE), the one who destroyed my life 2 years ago. We will not be friends, but we will be able to have a professional relationship.
2. We are finally getting some progress. We are finally starting. It is amazing to be here after fighting so hard for this.
3. Surprisingly, we will get Hubby's part of the procedures done much sooner, so it will break the time up and make the new wait easier. The logical corner of my brain knew this, but 
4. We can start to plan ahead tentatively. Things like accruing up some extra annual leave.
5. Have found a great motel, and little things like knowing where we will be staying are important to me, the control freak lols :P

Yeah so that was positive, I am happy, it's good news.

We are starting. We have come full circle back to the start.

NIAW: Bust an Infertility Myth - Vasectomy is infertility too!

What is NIAW?

I may be in New Zealand, but I am still excited to be involved in America's National Infertility Awareness Week's Bust an Infertility Myth challenge. It's a fantastic campaign to raise awareness for infertility and break apart stereotypes people may have of what infertility is all about. The organisation Resolve.org is the driving force behind the action, and I only wish they had a New Zealand branch!

What is the Infertility Myth that I will bust?

I have chosen to talk about the myths that surround my life, even though they rarely get mentioned out loud.

Myth: Having a sterilisation (i.e. vasectomy) is not true infertility, it's just contraception! What did you expect?

Busted: Actually, that's not true at all. Not. Even. Close.

Let's look at what infertility actually is. The inability to conceive a child after one year of unprotected intercourse (as defined by my doctors and FertilityNZ). And what is a vasectomy? A surgical procedure where the vas (tubes that carry sperm into the seminal fluid) are cut, so that conception will not occur. On the surface, yes it does appear that a vasectomy is indeed a form on contraception. A very effective and (normally) permanent one.

So why am I now classed as an infertile woman?

My husband has a vasectomy. He got it in his previous marriage, and from what he's told me, he did it because with 3 kids already he felt it was the socially responsible thing to do. There may also have been some pressure from the ex-wife too.

We now want kids. I have wanted children for a while. This year we will click over 8 years of infertility. During that time, I have been in as much anguish as any other infertile woman. We may have different underlying causes to our infertility from the majority of other couples, but there is still sweet f*ck all that we can do about it. Without major, expensive medical intervention, of course.

I still desperately want to be pregnant, to give birth, to buy baby clothes for my child and not someone else's, to raise a family with my husband (not just step-kids who very clearly belong to their Mum), and to grow old knowing I will become a grand-mother and have my family line continue.

I remember the shock and hurt I felt when my ob/gyn told me nonchalantly that I was infertile. No I wasn't! I was at his office to discuss getting a vasectomy-reversal for my husband (and more specifically, what I would need to do to get my body ready, as a T1 Diabetic woman) - not to be diagnosed with a new condition!! The shock and disbelief were real. The pain, tears, and anguish are real.

In many blogs I read about IF, women talk about how they hope that their next cycle will be the one, or that next year will be the one, or that this new treatment will work. I feel completely left out, because we are not able to pursue treatment actively at the moment. A vasectomy is 100% effective so it's no use waiting for the next cycle. No amount of (very fun) trying will make a bit of difference.

I see it in people's faces when I reveal that we now want a family. In my parent's surprise, in my friend's careful questions. They are wondering what the hell is wrong with me, wanting to have kids with a (wonderful, loving, handsome, caring, generous, sensitive) man who has a vasectomy! I knew what I was getting into.....didn't I?

Answer: no. I knew that my husband-to-be had a vasectomy, and I vaguely knew that you could get them reversed. But at the beginning of our romance that's about all I knew. I also didn't know that we would fall madly in love and pledge to spend the rest of our lives together in front of our families on Valentine's Day in a heavenly Chinese garden. I didn't know I wanted kids back then when we started dating. And it's not generally something you discuss until the relationship is well and truly "serious".

But once we began investigating the idea of a vasectomy reversal, it soon became clear that it would a) cost a lot, and b) have a very low chance of success. The doctors recommended the big guns for us. What else but infertility would require IVF, ICSI, and sperm retrieval to make a baby?

I was devastated when I found out that I would need to have all the IVF drugs. I did know that IVF was incredibly expensive, and so it was only because we were told that we would "surely" qualify for public funding for fertility treatment that together we went through the infertility workup. Nearly a year passed, with blood tests, ultrasounds, an operation, and consultations, all for naught when we were cruelly denied access to public funding at the last minute. In fact, during the consultation where we were expecting to be given a schedule appointments to kick-start IVF.

I have spent every spare minute over the past year and a half thinking, blogging, emailing, writing, meeting people, and just generally trying to get that heart-crushing decision changed. So far no luck.

But along the way I really hope that I've changed some people's minds about what constitutes infertility. And a sterilisation from a previous relationship certainly counts as infertility. It takes away the couple's right to choose and determine their own life. It brings worry and anguish into the thoughts of the couple, and in our case, it puts the ability to access treatment in the hands of doctors and government officials. How could anyone not be severely affected by this? How could anyone think this is fair? (As the folks who determined the rules do). It has completely changed my life-view. It has made me an advocate for my health and my future.

Believe me, no matter what the cause of your infertility, it will still hurt.

An unwanted sterilisation causes the inability to conceive. This is infertility. It is not able to be changed by the current couple as there is no way to go back in time and alter the decisions made in a previous relationship.

It is my goal to help raise awareness in the New Zealand community about this issue, and I would ultimately love to get the laws around access to public funding for fertility treatment altered so they are no longer discriminatory against couples who have experienced the trauma and suffering of infertility caused by sterilisation from a previous relationship.

Where can you go for more information?

Gain a basic understanding of infertility here http://www.resolve.org/infertility101

Learn more about National Infertility Awareness Week® (NIAW) http://www.resolve.org/takecharge

Where can I get more information in New Zealand?

www.fertilitynz.org.nz - Fertility New Zealand is committed to supporting, advocating for and educating all people who face infertility challenges at all stages of their journey and beyond.

A sneak peek preview

Today I celebrate 100 posts and 20 followers (Hi you lovely followers you!)

I am giving you all the opportunity to help me in my mission to get funding for our IVF.

This is my letter that I am planning to send to my local Member of Parliament. If you can spare me a few minutes to read it, and comment or email me with your thoughts I will be forever in your debt. I really need to know I'm doing the right thing here, saying the right thing. This letter could win the battle for us. What do you think?

Also, in case you're curious, here is the CPAC form as mentioned in the letter.

Thank you thank you thank you for reading and helping me fight for justice!

xxx

Kaitake

Oh my Grrrr!

So, in response to my last post which talked about how I was having trouble writing the letter to the MP, I have since sat down and written a pretty good draft. No it's not done yet, but it is a LOT closer.

I've been at work, and not really working, rather, I've been investigating mountains of reports and documents relating to infertility funding in New Zealand.

So far I have found the following interesting documents:

1. National Specialist Guidelines for Investigation of Infertility, Priority Criteria for Access to Public Funding of Infertility Treatment (This is a copy of the dreaded CPAC form)
2. Assisted Reproductive Technology: The Aotearoa/New Zealand Policy Approach (A thesis by Lynne Patricia Batty)
3. Access to Infertility Services: development of priority criteria (A report to the National Health Committee by Wayne Gillett and John Peek)
4. Costs and Effectiveness of Infertility Services in New Zealand: A Decision Analysis (Wayne Gillett, John Peek, Richard Lilford)

I found the CPAC form (1) online last night, as part of research I was doing while writing my letter to the local MP. I couldn't believe it. All this time, and I tripped over it by accident!? Sigh. At least I have a copy now... although this one is dated 2001... remember that when we got scored to see if we were eligible for access, the fertility specialist would not give us a copy of the CPAC form? Yeah, well turns out there might be a sinister reason for that.

Document (2) is a thesis written in 2002, and I've only got a couple of pages into it so far. But it looks interesting so far, perhaps useful...

Documents (3) and (4) were perhaps the most brilliant "finds" after the CPAC form itself.  I knew they were in the local library at the tertiary institute where I work. I just couldn't figure out a way to get them without a) the librarian looking at me over her spectacles with a questioning face, and b) having those two reports forever listed on my library record at my place of employment. I don't feel ready to scare my *new* employer like that just yet!! :P

But I had a plan. A cunning plan, so cunning if you put a tail on it you could call it a weasel!

The work library is currently being renovated, and the students are still on holiday. The door is pretty much blocked off as the builders are busy sawing and nailing etc, but I chatted to one who let me into the dark library. There was only one staff member in there working in a back office, so I went quickly to the shelves to get the books. Then I photocopied them in their entireties. No permanent record. I have complete copies that I can scrawl all over at my leisure. Excamallent. :) Quite pleased with myself.

I wish I could put digital copies up here for you to read (should you need to), but they are super-long and it would take forever to scan them. If you are interested in reading them (i.e., you're in NZ and fighting an infertility treatment funding battle) contact me and we can discuss postage.

Basically, I am hoping that all of the documents and reports I've found will support our case that we believe we have been discriminated against and unfairly denied funding. So far so good, all the documents are working in our favour.

Now, I've been checking the Fertility Associates website about every month, just because they do put new information up there. Would you believe it - they have changed the rules for eligibility for access to public funding! They now state, in black and white on their website, that:

Factors which reduce CPAC score – but funding may be possible:

• Having one child12 or younger living at home
• Having had a vasectomy or tubal ligation.  Where one of the couple has had a vasectomy or tubal ligation, duration of infertility for CPAC scoring starts from when the couple first see a doctor about having a child.

OMG. That was NEVER up there before.  :(  And it is not a part of any of the other documents I've found, which deal with how to decide the rules! (My heart sinks. Hope once again tries to fly away.)

I think that Fertility Associates is being discriminatory; I think they are adding their own rules ON TOP OF THE CPAC FORM.

So, without an actual current CPAC form, with associated documentation to go with it, I can't be sure. I have a gut feeling, but I can't be sure.

And just out of interest, I scored us myself. Remember how the fertility specialist gave us a score of 60? Well, when I did it, I got 68. Which is a pass. Suck on that Fertility Associates!

/sorry, grumpy :(




::UPDATE::


I have just gotten off the phone with two lovely ladies from the hospital who's website published the CPAC form. I asked them: "You know that CPAC form for infertility you have on your website, it's dated 2001, is that the most current version of that form do you know?"

And lo and behold, the nice lady in Elective Services did know. Yes! It's current, Yes! They update them regularly. So that makes me hopeful again. Because it means that the fertility clinic, Fertility Associates, has less of a leg to stand on when they say the duration of infertility is calculated from the date of the first doctor's visit. Because NOWHERE on the CPAC form does it mention that. And NOWHERE in the documents (3) and (4) above does it say anything about it either. Because it's a stupid made-up rule of Fertility Associates, that they are using to weed out couples/people who don't fit the traditional notion of a pretty little infertile family. That's what I reckon anyway.

But yay! Now I know that the CPAC form I have is the current one! Everything just feels a little more stable and hopeful than it did when I read that bit on their website (see above).

A contract, a project, a trip to the dermatologist, and wanting a baby badly!

I received my shiny new contract in the mail today, and it has that magical word on it: permanent. Yay! :)  So I will be teaching graphics and web design for a bit longer :D

The annoying thing is I will have to fill out all the new employee forms again, for payroll and HR, and do the staff induction, again! Could be worse I 'spose! :P

My current students are nearing the end of their courses, and being visual artists they are all freaking out about their end-of-year exhibition. I have spent the week chasing students who are on the brink of burn-out, and coaxing them to get their final projects finished.

I've also taught ALL of the technology teachers from the local high schools. Talk about a disaster waiting to happen: I was given 6 hours to teach 18 teachers (some of whom taught me!) how to use Photoshop and build a website in DreamWeaver, to a level that would mean they could confidently teach their students! What?! Oh, and no extra pay either. But even with that ridiculous expectation, the teachers all seemed pleased with what they had learned. Even if they were noisier than students! haha :P

In my freelance work, I've nearly completed my first web design project for the brand new client I just landed. She runs a boutique print-design agency (where my lil sis works! Yes, a family of designers), and has been on the hunt for a new contract web designer. Woohoo!! :D My new tutoring contract won't start until February, so that means I will have over 2 months unemployed over Christmas. Hopefully this new client will be able to feed me enough work to um, keep me fed!

There are not many photos of me on this blog, mainly because I'm often the one behind the camera, but also because I'm not happy with my skin. I often get breakouts, and being very fair with freckles, having a sore red nose and spots is not ideal! So I took my snout off to the dermatologist, and I am very glad I did. Dr Derm is very nice, and after asking me why I was there, he immediately examined my skin with a magnifying glass and made an immediate diagnosis. Yes, it's adult acne, no it's not too bad, yes he is quite confident he can do something to help me. Hooray! It will be lovely to have clear skin and not have to worry about makeup making it worse!

He prescribed me a course of Roaccutane which seems to be made of vitamin A. The Dr showed me many before and after photos of people with much worse acne than me, and the improvement they got with the treatment - quite amazing. Dr Derm is very confident he can help me, and knew exactly what to do. I will start with a cream-version of the drug, and then swap to pills once they arrive. I take those for about 12 weeks, at which stage he said my skin should be pretty clear, then take another 12 weeks to "set" the result. The effect should be permanent.

I've used the cream for two nights now, and although I was warned to only use it very sparingly as it can cause redness and irritation, I've not experienced that yet. Because it's vitamin A, I have to be very careful now about staying out of the sun, so I've got a good sunscreen (we have the ozone hole right above us here, so I burn like a lobster in about 10 - 15mins), and hubby is muttering that I need a wide brimmed hat for gardening.

The whole experience* was really good, about as good as visiting a doctor can get. You go in with a problem, and he pretty much says "I know exactly what condition you have, and how to cure it!" Amazing! As a diabetic I've gotten used to going to the doctor to "manage" my condition, and as an IFfer I'm starting to realise that I now have another long term relationship with doctors on the horizon, so it's nice to have a doctor say, hey, I can cure that, no worries! :)

*almost:

Well, I left the appointment both happy that I had a solution to try for the acne, and a bit hazy and shaky because of an unfortunate blunder on the part of the dermatologist. To his credit, he was incredibly smiley and friendly, but I quickly learned that he did not understand what he was saying and how it was affecting me. Here's what happened:

Because Roaccutane can cause fetal abnormalities, it's not allowed during pregnancy or while trying to get pregnant. Fair enough, no-one wants that. I made the choice before attending the appointment that if any medication I was offered had an anti-pregnancy warning, I would still take it because I can't sit around and wait for IVF funding to magically appear. I have to get on with my life! But the doctor had to warn me of this risk, and then he had to make sure I wasn't even trying to get pregnant. He's an Indian man, so his English was softly-spoken and a bit hard for me to understand. But he clearly asked me what contraception I was using, and I replied that it wasn't an issue since hubby has a vasectomy.  I have no trouble telling a doctor that. It was what he said next which floored me: "How many children do you have?" I must have looked like I was about to choke, cos he looked worriedly at me, and followed up with something that I think was "and when did you decide to do that?" I spluttered out, that no, I was wife number two, and I had no children. He was so kind about it, but it affected me deeply. I left feeling really upset and had to work hard to push the thought from my mind. I guess most people don't make that mistake when they see me with my step-kids, because I don't look old enough to be their Mum. But out of context like this, it was horrible. He thought he was being nice asking about my family. But I don't have kids. And I am still training myself to say "I have 3 step-kids".

I was so upset I finished up at work early and went to my Mum's house, for a cup of tea and some comfort. We ended up speaking at length about infertility and what I've been through, and what possibilities exist for a future including children (IVF, ICSI, The Cost, fighting the CPAC score we got which denied us public funding, how long we could wait with our varied ages, etc...) . It was really nice to be able to almost speak easily about it, as I spend most all of my waking time thinking about it, and many of my sleeping hours dreaming/nightmaring about it. I feel I need to talk in depth like this with Hubby soon, make some decision on how we can proceed. I realise that I have been feeling a bit alone in this, and it may just be because it IS hard to talk about it. It basically ruins any quite moment we have to ourselves, and any other moment just seems inappropriate. Ah well... I'm reading through Navigating the Land of IF at the moment, and it's really helpful stuff. I wish I'd known about some of it a year ago! I am slowly working my way through my stack of IF and IVF books.

So the journey is not over yet. It's just kind of stalled. I still really want to have kids. Babies are absolutely everywhere. One of my best friends from primary school just had her second baby on Thursday. I see bellies wherever I go. I stop at the traffic lights and stare into space while I wait for the green, and lo! A belly will walk across in front of my car and jolt me back into a mire of emotions: longing, wanting, frustration, grief, sadness, and fear that it may not ever happen. At lunch with the in-laws today, MIL chucks in a remark about a family that have just had their firstborn. Every time we visit she manages to say something about babies. Grr. I try really hard to tell myself that no one means anything by it. But when babies and family-building are so entrenched in the human culture, it's really hard to just switch off from it, because it's everywhere, reminding me that I cannot have a child unless I stump up $12K for some of the most advanced medical technology on the planet.

On the diabetes front, I am having an unusual pattern emerging where I go low just before bed, and often low again during the night, and often also wake up slightly lower than ideal. I am thinking I need to drop my nighttime Lantus (I'm on split dose because I'm so sensitive to it). I'm a bit scared to tamper with the Lantus dose, but I also know that I cannot keep going low all the time, as I develop hypo unawareness quite quickly. I also cannot keep eating all the emergency food all the time, it's not a healthy diet! Bah! I will get this sorted, diabetes always throws down the gauntlet every now and then. I must get a new log book and do some tracking. I know the stress of the work I'm doing has a major impact on my diabetes control (ie it gets worse), but not having a two week snapshot of test results is not helping me right now. This is the longest time since, like, ever that I haven't kept a log book! MUST GET NEW LOGBOOK!

Hope you're having a good weekend, are you going trick or treating? :)

First visit to an ob/gyn

Thanks for joining me again. I'm still in catch-up mode, writing stuff down to help bring you up to speed on where I'm at now.

I went to my first appointment with the ob/gyn to discuss the polyp. The GP had suggested that it was most probably benign, but could in some cases act a bit like an IUD and interfere with any pregnancy attempts. The ob/gyn confirmed this, but he was far more interested in the fact that I was diabetic! And trying to get pregnant! And with a hubby with a 9yr-old vasectomy! How thoroughly interesting! He's a nice chap and put me at ease straight away.

Ob/gyn explained that there were no local fertility services in my city, and that I would have to make the 3 hour trip to another city for treatment should I wish to proceed. He kind of assumed it was all go, although I still thought I was just investigating options.

He wrote letters to the fertility clinic asking them for advice on my case, and we waited a month.

This last week we got a letter back, and I returned to hear the news.

Ob/gyn had basically good news for me. The fertility clinic had recommended not a vasectomy reversal as we had expected, but rather IVF and ICSI (say "icksy"). A vasectomy reversal would have only about a 30% success rate in the first 12 months for us, whereas the IVF/ICSI method would have closer to a 60% success rate.

Of course it's never that simple. With IVF, I would have to take hormonal drugs, which are expensive, and hubby would have to have what's known as a sperm retrieval operation to get sperm for the ICSI procedure.

The doctor went on to explain how the fertility clinic recommended I proceed with getting the (benign) polyp removed from my uterus. The operation, a hysteroscopy, involves general aneasthesia which makes me nervous, as I have reacted badly to local aneasthetic in the past. Also, the idea of giving someone else control of my diabetes for any length of time makes me nervous. I don't care how well the aneasthetist is trained! But that is a hurdle I will deal with when I come to it.

All these things sound expensive, because they are. We're not rich, so the first question out was "how much is all this going to cost?" The doc smiled and told me that in New Zealand the government funds the cost of the first round of fertility treatment. And as a bonus, the hysteroscopy operation would be government funded too. I would have to go on a waitlist for the op, and the fertility clinic would give more details about the treatment.

Ob/gyn wrote official application letters to the fertility clinic, requesting an initial appointment. He also used up most of the rest of his blood-test order forms. I have 3 sets of blood tests to do, and hubby has one. I also have to get the hysteroscopy done before appointment. That's a lot of stuff to do over the next month and a bit!

On top of all that, I want to go back and talk with my endocrinologist and diabetes education nurse. I am quite sure that they had not considered the idea that I would ever have to undergo IVF. (Google suggest that the IVF drugs can screw with type 1 diabetes.) The endo tends to forget the details of my case between 6-monthly visits, so has taken to asking me if I am pregnant, and each time I politely remind him of hubby's vasectomy. sigh. ohwellnevermind. Endo has mentioned that I may be eligible for an funded insulin pump. So I want to ask him a million questions about that, like, if I get pregnant will I need to go on a pump? Should I get on a pump now to get a better HbA1c number? (Currently 8.1, the highest ever :( in my entire life), will consumables be funded? Can I look at getting a CGM too? My diabetes educator actually wears an insulin pump. A rare sight in NZ and even rarer in my small city. Hers was actually the first one I ever saw.

And as a last thought, should I start taking pre-natal vitamins? Is that jumping the gun a bit? :P I don't want to freak hubby out. Although he has agreed to the idea of a child in principle, this whole IVF/operations for both of us thing has completely changed the mix. We both want to meet with the fertility specialist and discuss options and what it all means before committing to this course of action. Although it promises to be cheaper that I had originally imagined, we will still have plenty of travel, time of work, and accommodation to pay for to get to the clinic in the other city. And pretty much every blog I read says that it's a trying and tiring time, which will either bring you together as a couple, or drive you apart. I am really worried about that, as we are happily married and love being together. I know he's a wonderful Dad already, and I am enjoying being a part-time step-mum to his 3 kiddlies. I really hope we can have kid/s of our own.

Wow that's heaps of words, are you feeling as tired as I am? Whew! I am going to make a glossary, as there are plenty of confusing words and acronyms, and just plain kiwi-isms which you may not know.

Thanks for reading, catch you next time.

:)

An introduction - what I'm going to talk about

Ok, so let me introduce myself. Me? What do I say? Hmmmm. That's harder than it sounds! Ok, stop messing about: I am a type 1 diabetic who wants to have a baby. I'm 27 years old and married 1-year-and-a-smidge to my wonderful 45 year old husband.


He's a divorcée with three fantastic kids from a previous marriage. We see them every second weekend. I've lived with them for 6 years, and have grown fond of the idea of having some of my own one day. Of course, my hubby being so much older than me causes a few issues in timing. Ideally I would like to do a bit more in my career, maybe start my own business. But if I want kids, I have to start thinking about it now. This is what I told myself about 3 years ago, as I was finally figuring out that this was the cause of my lasting and draining depression. I wanted kids, but hubby had no idea of my thoughts. We had never discussed it. I knew when I married him that he had a vasectomy. So when I figured it all out, and realised that YES, I WANT TO BE A MOTHER!! it was a relief - and then of course: how to tell him? It took me one and a half years to pluck up the courage to talk to him about it, and all I can say is that I shouldn't have waited. Because he was happy and nervous. Just like me :)


I know that's all very complex so far, but bear with me, there's more...


Since I am a type 1 diabetic, I knew that any ideas about pregnancy would greatly interest my doctors. So before I dragged hubby off to the GP (family doctor) to talk about what was involved in a vasectomy reversal, I chatted with my endocrinologist and diabetes nurse educator about what I may need to do with my diabetes care. I am a brittle diabetic, despite intensive blood glucose monitoring and multiple daily injections of Humalog and Lantus. That was months ago, and I remember the endo mentioning an insulin pump, an idea which I have always resisted (read: been scared of) up til now. So I have that aspect to think of as well.


So we trotted off to the GP and he explained that since hubby's vasectomy was 9 years ago, the chances of a successful reversal were not too good because of possible scar tissue. But, he's a very nice doctor and he understood how much this means to me, so he suggested that before we look at spending what could potentially be a lot of money on any sort of fertility treatment, we do a bit of investigative work first. "Insurance" was how he described it. So I was sent off for a bunch of blood tests for things like FSH, LH, and something else I can't remember, and hubby was asked to do a sperm count, and promptly didn't do one. sigh :P Ohwellnevermind.


The first lot of test results for me came back good, and the GP suggested another test, which I would have to pay for: an internal sonogram/ultrasound. This would check for any major anatomical trouble with my girly bits. Although the sonographer gave me the impression there was nothing abnormal, the doctor informed me that in fact I had a polyp in my uterus. What does that mean? Well, they're fairly common, and normally benign. But to be on the safe side he referred me on to an obstetrician/gynocologist. Just to get a second opinion.


And that will be the contents of my next post, cos writing this has been a bit emotional and rather tiring. Best of luck and see you next time.