A sort of anniversary

So this will be short and sweet, but I just wanted to mark the start of October since it's roughly one year since we started this journey of diabetes and infertility. My bloggiversary occurs next April - I can't believe it's so far away, I feel like I've been writing for ever! haha  I will have to think up a special celebration for it.

Oh well, to mark the day, here is one of my favourite paintings. I actually made a reproduction of this work, in my student days (no, you can't see it!)   :)

Girl with a Pearl Earring - c.1665 -  Johannes Vermeer

My lovely hubby took me out for Indian for dinner tonight. Yum yum! Butter chicken my favourite (predictable, I know - but I only choose it about 50% of the time I eat Indian, honest!) Lots of poppa dams, naan bread, white rice, and fried tandoori things on a hot stone. Ooh food heaven!

I have to say, I am a very useful person to take out to dinner. You see, whenever I take out my test kit, the wait staff ALWAYS come over. It might be coincidence, but it's happened so many times (more than 100) that I think the waiters are just curious! What is she doing? hehe - anyway the upshot is that we get served pretty quickly!

The downside, with indian food, is I have no idea how to carb count it. :(

Actually, it would be helpful if I knew exactly how much I ate :P  But I just wolf it down, so hungry!

I had my first day back at work today after mid-semester break, and with a good breakfast test, and not much food (no grazing at the biscuit tin today!), and plenty of walking between classrooms, I went quite low during a staff meeting this afternoon. After treating that, then eating Indian for dinner meant a nice high just now. Ah well. Bolus. Then the painful part - staying awake long enough to know if it's "just right" and not going to send me plummeting overnight.

I also don't want to be high all night, as that will ruin me for the exhibition opening tomorrow (so excited!) Oh, question for you: do you get incredibly hungry when you are high sometimes? Like, ravenous? It's weird, my symptoms seem to have done a flip-flop over the last couple of months. I just want to eat the cupboards bare when I'm high, and (TMI warning, advance apologies, avert your eyes etc) I need to pee like a racehorse when I'm low. Weird I know - I've never been one to do things by the book :P

My diabetes artwork - installation complete! Hooray!

Five posters, two ladders, and four lows later, I'm done! Yay! What a day! :D

Here are the posters, see which words you recognise:

DOC: the diabetes online community, a wonderful bunch of bloggers who encourage and support each other :)

SUM: six until me, the first diabetes blog I read, and the one that inspired me to create my own blog.

BASAL: refers to insulin basal rates, a word that diabetes folk will understand, but other people might not necessarily.

SWAG: stupid wild-arsed guess, for when a diabetic takes an unscientific amount of insulin, rather than working it out.

BOLUS: the insulin a diabetic takes with each meal, or to correct a high blood sugar. Another word that non-diabetics may be puzzled by.

By now you are probably scratching your head, wondering why on earth I've made these posters. Well dear friends, I will tell you :) I'm a tertiary tutor at the local college, and I work in the art department teaching typography, design, web, and digital media. It's good fun. Once a year the art tutors get together and put on a little exhibition to show the students and the local community what we've been up to.

At first I didn't know what to make my artwork about, but then I thought what better subject than diabetes? But how to portray it in a way which is both useful to diabetics (ie, improves knowlege and understanding of T1 diabetes) and sympathetic to diabetics (ie, not crass or gross, using obvious imagery like needles, blood, or the horrors that get repeated in the media about diabetes).

This artwork, although not large, is my first foray into making diabetes related art. And so far it's getting a good reception by those who've seen it. The exhibition opens on Tuesday and I can't wait!

It's made of ink on watercolour paper, on cotton printed fabric. Each piece is hung separately from a bamboo pole, perpendicular to the wall:

The first thing the viewer will see when they step into the gallery.

The five posters are hung perpendicular to the wall, to obscure the straight view onto the images.

I love the shadows created by the pieces, and how they become a floating sculpture, rather than just flat pictures on a wall.

Kitch floral prints were chosen for the backing, to tie the pieces into my home.

The viewer will have to come up really close and stick their head in the 40cm gap between each poster to view them properly.  I like that!

The posters depict words created by, specific to, or repurposed by the diabetes community. The underlying themes in this work include diabetes, community, language, and the interplay between secret and public. I chose this visual style to work as a visual pun on the idea of embroidery samplers, sometimes called needlepoint samplers. I've turned my posters into graphic samplers dealing with words related to diabetes, which is synonymous with needles. :)

Here's a short timelapse video of the making-of one of the posters:

And here's some shots from the installation of the work:

Tying tiny knots in fishing nylon line, to hang each poster.

The day was like a aerobic step-class from hell. I went up and down the ladder soooo many times! Ah, we must suffer for out art! :P

Final touches, straightening and checking the pieces before tidying up the room and setting the lighting.

It's been a mad day, with a crazy rush to get everything done and put together. A couple of lows interrupted my day, and I couldn't get above 5.2mmol/L until about 6pm. Oh, they've all caught up with me now though, I'm 17.2! Bah! :P

Roll on Saturday! :D

If all goes according to plan...

...I will be installing my artwork tomorrow. I PROMISE to post up some photos soon!

I've made five posters, all hand drawn. I haven't done so much "manual" graphic design work for about 6 years, so now when I look at the plain white sheet of paper I see spots! haha. Eyes are getting pretty tired. That mild headache I mentioned yesterday is still here, and I think it's just a combination of eye strain and naughty hayfever medication being a monkey.

Hubby and I have just been for a lovely walk along the seaside walkway here in town. He made a wonderful steak dinner, and then we did the dishes together :) Awwwww :)

Finishing off my drawings this week has been hard, not only because I started to get a little impatient (I'm used to working in Adobe Illustrator software, so goin' old skool with pen and paper seems to take forever!), but because our kitchen table looks straight into the neighbour's backyard. And they have two little girls, toddlers, and all morning when I'm trying to work I hear them laughing or crying or eating dirt or chasing their kitten or whatever, and it it just so hard to work while that constant reminder is there. No. You can't have kids unless you either a) wait for 3 years or b) stump up the cash for private IVF. Bah.

I can't seem to find a "healthy" focus in my life right now. Every second thought is about either how we could have a baby, or what I will do if we can't. Actually, I also think about how I should stop from going MAD because of how I'm thinking! Seriously, it's getting me mighty depressed, made worse by the fact that I don't really fell comfortable talking about it with anyone. No one wants to hear me talk about this. It's not happy conversation. And a talk won't fix it so why bother? I have thought on a couple of occasions that perhaps I should consult a counsellor. And then I go and buy a lotto ticket instead, as I see that as being slightly more practical.

Yesterday I saw 3 baby-bump-bellies, 2 strollers, and had to work through the neighbours having what was practically an at-home creche for 3 - 4 babies. I just can't think of anything else. It is driving me insane. I can't be happy. Even out on our lovely walk, it was all going well when we met eldest step-son with a goodly-chunk of his family out also for a walk. Nice to see them, yes. Did it remind me that hubby already has kids, and that I am the only "parent" of his kids (they have four: mum, step-dad, dad, step-mum) who isn't actually a bona-fide parent?

In other, slightly related news/ramblings, I got the quote back for doing over the back garden. It's way too expensive, about double what I was willing to part with. So maybe we will look at doing it ourselves. But honestly, the first thought when I opened the quote was "ok, so I can't have that either, I can't have any of my dreams!" I know, a bit melo-dramantic, sorry! But I have my good days and my bad days. Days where I see a bazillion kid-related things are tough. I just want to shout at them "stop bloody torturing me!" Other days it's almost like I'm normal, pre-infertility label.

Yeah, so I began thinking, if I can look at spending money on landscaping, why not put some serious effort into saving up for IVF myself? I just reapplied for my teaching job, for next year, and I'm pretty sure I will get it. And it pays not too bad, so I will start saving like mad and living like a pauper. hehe, we'll see. Really, 11K would stretch us. We would have enough for treatment, but no money to feed/clothe a baby afterwards! :P

I have not heard back from nzfertility.org (could be because their site is down, perhaps?). A while back I wrote a letter which they said they would pass on to the clinic that treated us badly. Maybe after writing this post I will email them and see what's happening. Last time I spoke to the nice ladies there, they seemed to understand, and be sympathetic to our case.

I just feel like I now have no purpose in life. Hubby is much older, I love him, but I need to know that when I'm old, I have kids of my own to look after me. I really don't want to be alone in this world. And I don't want to miss out on being a mum, being a grand-mother, seeing my kids take their first steps, or burp all over me, or skin their knees and need a hug. From their mum: ME! I hate to think that my life is diverging from it's intended path, from my dreams, from what I always thought it would be. I know some people actively choose not to have kids. That's fine. But I have made the discovery that I do want kids badly, so not being able to fulfill that is really hard to deal with. Way harder than anything I've ever faced before, as I have to face it every day. Babies are everywhere in the media, and in town, and the step-kids come every second weekend so I can't even escape to my own home. :(

Sorry to be such a downer, but I'm stuck. I feel I have no direction in my life, and the little goals I'm setting myself just aren't cutting it. Once upon a time something like an exhibition would have ruled my life for months, I would have poured my heart and soul into it. Now, I just feel I have nothing to give. I feel empty because I'm just drifting. Don't get me wrong, my life is very comfortable. There is just no aim to what I do. And that scares me. I don't want to waste life, because I've fought so hard to be healthy and happy up til now.

Anyway, pictures for you tomorrow, I promise. :)

Dreaming of a patio, would you believe

Well, I decided I had to have something to take my mind of things. So a great garden adventure it is! I've been measuring the back garden, driving out to paving/cobblestone wholesalers, and I've even called a landscape architect round to view the property and get a quote ready! I know, you will call me mad as soon as you read the next line. We are only renting. But wait! This was my grandmother's house, and she used to have a beautiful garden here. My parents own it now and we rent it from them. Seriously, I plan to live here for quite some time, and I want somewhere to have a bbq out the back. :)

I'm on what would be called "spring break" in America, I guess. Just two weeks off in the middle of the semester, but I've not been lazing about. I'm actually getting ready for an exhibition!

I will post some pics of the artwork up here when they are finished. They deal with ideas around diabetes, typography, language and community. The exhibition itself is just for art tutors, and I got to design the "branding" for it too, which is cool. I am quite chuffed to be exhibiting again, my last job sucked all the creativity out of me, but now I'm actively encouraged to make art/design, so it feels great. I've been sitting at the sunny kitchen table every morning drawing and inking and growling at the cat for walking over all the nice clean paper. It will be a challenge to see my work up there alongside that of the other tutors, as not so long ago they were my tutors! I hope mine will be good enough! :D The exhibition starts next Tuesday, so hopefully I will have the artwork finished and ready to install tomorrow or Friday. Fingers crossed.

My diabetes control has been a bit higgeldy piggeldy over the hols, due to the facts that I am getting up much later, not working to a schedule, eating more, and doing less exercise. Ah, holidays. :P Oh and hayfever tablets are also in that mix, making me soooo sleeeeeepy. I didn't take mine today, and have been given a headache in return. Thanks, hayfever!

It also looks like I've picked up quite a substantial lead for some freelance web design. My sister works for a local boutique design house, and they need a web monkey to make sites... so I've been sending out quote after quote this week, and I have a meeting with the boss tomorrow - wish me luck!

Well, that's all for now. Must, quite literally, get back to the drawing board. Have a great week. :)

30 things you might not know about my invisible illness

OK, so I'm leaving this a bit more than late - Invisible Illness Awareness Week is now officially over. But hey, just cos I missed it doesn't mean should miss out, eh? :)

1. The illness I live with is: Type 1 Diabetes

2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: 1988

3. But I had symptoms since: I was 5 at the time, so I don't remember the exact timing of stuff that far back. I do remember walking in town with my family, and repeatedly asking for a drink, and being given a can of (normal) lemonade! I also remember getting really skinny and earning the nickname 'stickthin' at school. I also remember that shortly after I was diagnosed, it was my 6th birthday, and my Mum had no idea what to make as a cake. Being the inventive soul that she is, she made a "plain" cake and "iced" it with cream cheese decorated with kiwi fruit! Let's just say my 6 yr old friends didn't know what to think of that! :P

4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: None. I've had this so long that it has become a part of me. I barely remember what it was like to not be diabetic. This IS my normal. Of course, whenever the drug companies make a new insulin, that's always a major adjustment to get used to.

5. Most people assume: That T1 is just a "worse" form of T2. It's not. They are 2 completely separate diseases and I am beginning to see the logic in two very distinct and separate names! Some people also assume that

- I can't eat ANY sugar

- I can't eat salt (WTF?)

- I can't eat chocolate (gimme gimme!)

- I just have an injection and that fixes everything

- that it's similar to mild asthma - when I explain the daily rituals and routines I go through, most people are quite amazed I get any work done at all!

6. The hardest part about mornings are: waking up either really high or really low, as either result is guaranteed to wreak havoc on my day.

7. My favorite medical TV show is: House. It's funny.
 

8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is: Well, the obvious answer is my glucose meter (Optium Xceed), but I could just get another one. Maybe my iPhone. I love my iPhone! I use it to calculate insulin dosages and control has gotten better since I started doing that :)

9. The hardest part about nights are: those common occasions when I go low and have to get out of a snuggly bed to fetch juice or biscuits. Or, those very rare occasions when I wake up in accident and emergency with the worried faces of my husband and parents looking down at me :(

10. Each day I take __ pills & vitamins. (No comments, please) No pills, just Lantus and Humalog insulins. Between 5 - 10 injections per day. Oh, I was taking a pre-pregnancy supplement and iron pills, but since I have to wait...let me count, 25 months to wait before we can even go on the waiting list, and another 18 months after that before we may actually be able to start IVF treatment, I kinda stopped taking them :( Believe me, I will do anything I can to start taking those pills again!

11. Regarding alternative treatments I: Sometimes I take garlic capsules, and I like a good lemon-honey drink for a sore throat. I also love a good backrub.

12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: I dunno, invisible I suppose because that's what I'm used to. I get annoyed when people don't understand, but then I realise that if I tell them, then THEY KNOW. And that can have both positive and negative side effects :P

13. Regarding working and career: I think it's completely unfair for folks with a chronic illness to just have the same number of paid sick days as "normal" people. When I get the flu, that's a sick day off work. But what about when I've had a really bad low at night? I look fine, but my brain may be completely fried! Not fair I tell you!

14. People would be surprised to know: Just how much diabetes can take over a person's life. I think I would be a completely different person if I hadn't been diabetic. I think I would have been much more out-going and perhaps less focused.

15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: I didn't get a choice. It was just something that happened: Get on with life.

16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: write this blog! :D
 

17. The commercials about my illness: Are terrible. Not only because they make sweeping generalisations and play-up to stereotypes, but also because they often get things wrong. I also hate the way patients are seen as dollar signs. Makes me grumpy just thinking about how some people profit from other people's illness!
 

18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is: Eating milo sandwiches, with lashings of butter and brown sugar, on white bread with the crusts cut off. This was my Aunt's speciality. Haven't eaten it in about 22 years.
 

19. It was really hard to have to give up: Can't remember back that far, didn't really have any food habits to give up.
 

20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: So many to choose from! Kung fu, silver smithing, painting, photography, gardening...
 

21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would: Figure out how to make it the next day too!
 

22. My illness has taught me: to stand up for myself and question everything a health professional tells me.
 

23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is: how many sugars do you want in your tea? Just, goddam it, give me the sugar bowl and let me decide!
 

24. But I love it when people: like me for who I am, not what I am.
 

25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: Do not be afraid of perfection, you will never reach it.  -- Salvador Dali, surrealist painter.

 

26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them: I will be here to help you if you need it.
 

27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: The fact that I perhaps get better medical care than a "normal" person because diabetics get shunted to the top of the list.
 

28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was: Look after me.
 

29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because: I just read about it, and think it's an excellent idea :)
 

30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: happy that you want to stalk me and find out everything about me haha! :P

Talent show update

My step-daughter took part in her first talent show on the weekend, and at 13 yrs I think she was the youngest contestant. She was competing against high-school students and professional musicians!

She did really well, and we were all really proud of her. She performed a song she wrote herself, playing the guitar to accompany herself - no small feat when there is an audience of 100+ people and bright lights shining in your eyes! She looked great and sounded very confident. It was very cute when she dashed off stage straight after playing, the judges had to ask her bak onstage to give her the feedback! hehe :D

While she didn't win her section, all FOUR of her parents thought she did really well. :)

It was a bit surreal having a night out with hubby's ex-wife and her new husband! I suppose it just goes to show how well we all get along, which is great for the kids.

I've been looking at booking a holiday in a tropical island somewhere, just because I need something to look forward to after all the disappointment of this year. We had one nearly booked, but then we did the sums and realised it would mean eating bread crusts for a while! haha :P

I can't wait for this week to be over, then it will be mid-term break! Yay! I shall go out digging in the garden.... it is spring here, or at least it's supposed to be spring, she says, shaking her fist at the raining sky!

Hope you're having a great week. Sorry for the general bloggy-slackness. Work really has been keeping me busy! :)

Sneezes, birthdays, and songs

A couple of days of sneezing signaled the start of a glorious head cold. Bah! So today I am home from work watching music videos on the telly while it gets all rainy and stormy outside.

I've been working some long hours - lesson planning for my teaching job ensures that even on my birthday I had to work to 10.30pm at night. Yup, I'm a virgo alright! hehe Now officially 28!

My birthday was great, with my close family all around. We went to dinner at a yummy little Italian restaurant and ate tiramisu, ganache, and cheesecake for dessert! Nom nom nom :)

The day was tinged with sadness for me, however, as I was reminded that I won't be a Mum anytime soon, or ever. Some days it's worse than others, and most of the time I just try to work hard and ignore the feelings. I think I need a goal or two. Currently we've got nothing to look forward to.

So here are some goals. You can suggest more if you think of them! :)

- secure my job for next year
- go on holiday
- continue to try and get public funding for IVF
- create and exhibit some artwork
- do the garden
- love my hubby more each day

Yeah, so about the job. Because of some silly SNAFU on the part of my employer, my job was never officially advertised, so I got put on a fixed-term contract. Which means that if I want to keep my job next year I will have to go through the process of applying for it all over again. My boss really wants to keep me, and I've been getting good feedback from students and colleagues alike, but there will always be a small chance that I won't get it. There's nothing much I can do except apply and cross my fingers.

I've recently started grading the first assessments for the four graphics, typography, digital media, and web classes I teach. I actually found it very interesting, seeing the students so worried about presenting their work, and then looking so relieved once it was over. Writing the comments on their grading form is a bit like being a psychological detective or something, and I'm finding it fascinating trying to figure out why some students maybe aren't as attentive or focused as they should be, and find how to help them. Assessment time is supposed to be hard work for the tutors, and it does take heaps of time, but because I'm enjoying it so much, it makes me think even more that THIS IS THE JOB FOR ME! :)

One last piece of news, my step-daughter has entered a local talent competition and made it to the finals! We are going to see her perform in the show tomorrow, singing a song she wrote herself - she's 13!!! How awesome is that? She's becoming quite a sophisticated little singer/songwriter, and I'm wishing her the best of luck :)