Birth Story: part 1

It's been over 8 weeks since the birth of our daughter, the Tiny Fish. She is glorious and gorgeous and has the most delicious cheeky smile.

I've found a rare moment of quiet time where she is asleep, I am awake enough to type, and all is calm in our house. So I'm going to put down a really short and sweet version of my birth story. Before I forget too much.

My waters broke at 3am on 24/6/14. I drenched the bed, the bedroom carpet, hallway carpet, the Lino in the kitchen, porch hallway and then proceeded to flood the toilet floor too. I managed to clean the floor. Went and woke up my Hubby who took a second to click. I put a towel down and went back to bed.

Mild contractions started very gently half an hour later. They I had to get up and spend some quality time in the loo. Then I wondered how in hell I was going to get off the loo and not make another mess and wake my Hubby up again. I had time to download an app to time contractions. Good thing I did too as they were coming fast.

5.30am it was time to phone our midwife. 6.30am we phoned her again and said I wasn't going to be able to wait until 7am and we were gonna go up to hospital now.

We live just down the road from the hospital. I cursed every single one of the speed bumps on the way thru the hospital.

It had been raining. A friendly person in the corridor made a joke about it's gonna be a long night. Or day. We had no clue. Entering the maternity wing and this giant hug of warm air and weirdly soothing elevator music - which turned out to be the first morning alarm on Hubby's phone. We checked in and got room 4. G, a ward midwife looked after us until ours arrived.

Our mw wasn't there yet as she had to travel from a village outside of the city. Her battery went flat so she tried to jump start it and accidentally started a fire. She borrowed a car and it ran very low on petrol so she had to go back home and steal the lawnmower petrol. When she got there at 7.20am I was 9cm dilated already. I couldn't believe I was that far along.

Soon I was allowed to push. I never felt like I couldn't do it. I used breathing, saying out loud "relax everything" in between contractions, and etonox (gas and air). Looking back, I wish I had had an epidural. But nobody could have known what was coming.

Anyway, baby's heart rate was taking a few dips and not recovering very fast so my mw got me up resting over the back of the bed which seemed to help.

I pushed for 2hrs at which point my contractions started to taper off a bit. I personally thought this was delightful as I got a black spell of rest between the contractions. Empty painfree bliss. But apparently that was not good. My mw had me do nipple stimulation to try and get contractions happening with more strength and speed and it worked. But baby wasn't moving. She called in the OB who discovered that my baby's head was turtle-ing. A sign of shoulder dystocia.

My baby would need help. It's heart rate started dropping. The emergency bell was pushed and people flooded into the room. I felt calm under it all as I trusted those around me to take care of me.

First up the OB tried ventouse as baby's head had gone a bit crooked. The cap popped off a couple if times, so she moved on to forceps. And an episiotomy. Boo.

She was pulling so hard. Her foot up on the bed. At last I felt baby's head be born very quickly. And then all the pain of labour suddenly paled and was completely overwhelmed by this new thing which was just so big and massive I didn't know how to feel it. The pain was so incredible and multi faceted and discordant. I could feel my bones. Tiny Fish's shoulders were stuck. I remember writhing? Screaming noises I didn't know we're human let alone me. So high those noises. The OB working frantically. Eyes shut, open just for glimpses. The intense unbelievable indescribable feeling of pushing and actually feeling the resistance akin to pushing against a concrete wall. It was just not gonna move. The OB did the Woodward screw manoever where she had to get hold of an arm and spin the baby.

A huge movement and then the biggest physical and mental relief I've ever felt.

Tiny Fish was born arm-first at 10.29am. After 5hrs10mins of labour.

She landed on my chest and lifted her head and opened her black, disgruntled eyes and looked at me I will never forget that look. She was purple and wet and had hair that wasn't as black as I'd expected. The mw checked if she was a boy or girl. She was there about ten minutes I'm told but I kept blacking out so it felt like only 30 seconds. I have two memories of her on my chest: eyes and gender. My third memory is seeing her across the room on the baby bed where 3(?) paediatricians are working like mad over her with an oxygen mask. But I knew she would be fine cos she looked at me. And besides, what newborn can lift their head defiantly as their very first act? She did cry but I can't recall what it sounded like.

My husband. By my side helping me through. Together. Just being pure love. He always knew what I needed. I always cry thinking of what he went through that day, and the strength he has.

Tiny Fish had to go to NICU for potential breathing issues and hypoglycemia. I had brought along a small amount of expressed colostrum for her to have.

The OB was trying to sew me up. The midwives were massaging my tummy. There was blood on my thigh. Legs up in black leather stirrup things. Lithotomy position my birth notes say. Nurses were putting more IV lines in. Everything was hurting again. I was still having to breath through the pain. The placenta came but it was incomplete. I remember someone asking a nurse to measure the blood loss. 2 litres. Enough to warrant a trip to theatre to get stitched up. An episiotomy and a 3rd degree tear. When I asked how many stitches I had received later, the OB said she didn't bother counting.

Getting ready to go to the operating theatre was strangely calm after that. I got terrible shakes and said I was cold so they bundled me up in white. I had to shimmy across to another bed to make the long trip to the other end of the hospital. From the old wing to the new.

Hubby went out to meet my parents who had been waiting in the waiting room. Worried as they could hear everything. When he came back in the room he surveyed all the blood and fainted.

My parents met me as I was leaving the delivery suite. Tears and smiles and kisses and hugs. They would go to neonates and watch over their first grandchild.

Then there was the strange calm of being wheeled down endless corridors, fluorescent lights overhead. It was mid morning and the day was a drizzly grey winters morning. Fog and condensation on the windows. In pre-op Hubby couldn't come in so he went back to be with our daughter. My midwife was allowed to accompany me into theatre. I had 3 anaesthetists, one of whom has T1D and wanted to know all about my pump and Dex (diabetes stuff all went fine, in case you were wondering). The OB stitched me up and I woke up in post-op recovery so terribly thirsty. But content. I knew she was fine. I knew Hubby was with her. I was alive. I got what I wanted: everybody healthy and alive.

My mw came and said that she had arranged it so that I could be wheeled right into the NICU to meet my daughter again. I have never wanted to be wheeled faster. The urge to try and jump off the bed and hurry towards her. But I was so tired and heavy.

Euphoria.

She was in an incubator. Someone got her out and laid her on my chest. She looked up at me with bleary eyes. She had massive bruising from the forceps and ventouse. Her head was a beautiful round shape. Black eyes. And torn skin from the forceps. She still has a scar even now.

And then I was put into a room to recover. That will be the next part, cos the story is not over yet.

~~~Happy birthday, my sweet one. You are so wanted. Mummy and Daddy love you. Xoxo

24w4d Viability and Type 1 Diabetes control

If you are more interested in reading an update about Tiny Fish then please skip down a bit :)

Diabetes and Pregnancy at 24 weeks:

I am starting to think that the first whispers of insulin resistance may be appearing.

My last two weeks - CGM data

Although in general, my blood sugars are averaging right on target (7.5 mmol), there are now some worrying patches where it is going too high for my liking (above 10 mmol). It's still brilliantly wonderful compared to the pre-pump, pre-pregnancy results, but now that I get tired so easily that little additional couple of mmols really makes me feel like crap. Tired, dry mouth, lethargic, and fuzzy-brained. What's more, if I sit at 10+ for more than 2hrs then I start to get a headache caused by the additional dehydration. Boo.

So here you can see the actual CGM readings from the last two weeks:

The raw CGM data plotted with each day as a different colour.

I was getting higher and higher reading overnight, even though they held pretty flat. Of course, nothing is guaranteed to last more than 3 days in Diabetes Land so I've started having 3am lows (note the red line) in the last 2 nights. Sigh. And I was just about to raise the overnight basals! Must be another growth spurt for Tiny Fish?

My Diabetes Nurse Educator (DNE) likes to tinker with insulin to carb (I:C) ratios first, as these are quite a quick tool to see if they are working. I think the breakfast I:C ratio is doing ok, by looking at that graph above, but it doesn't show you that I've been having to add 30%+ temp basal increases to claw my blood sugar back down during the morning for the last several days. I believe a gentle strengthening of that I:C ratio is in order. (Changed! It was 1:7g and I've just moved it to 1:6g - that may not sound like a lot but I would prefer to adjust things gently as low blood sugars/hypos really tire me out and I seem very sensitive to insulin changes.)

Lunch is definitely my nemesis. Look at that awful peak! Every colour goes up (with the exception of purple, whatever day that was??) meaning the I:C ratio is probably quite shot. I have just changed it from 1:6 to 1:5, and although I expect it will need to go further I still get very nervous giving a bolus of 5 units or more... so I will adjust the basal rate for lunchtime as well to provide a bit more of a gentle boost. Basals should start about 1hour before your want to see the result, so I will look at altering the basal from about 11am onwards thru to 3pm. I've just put it up from 0.675u p/hr to 0.7u p/hr. Not a great increase, but I will see how it goes and keep doing gentle increases every 3 days as needed.

Dinner is a bit of a moveable feast with the actual eating occuring anywhere between 5pm and 8pm. I don't really want to tinker with anymore basals or I:C ratios considering the changes I've made to earlier in my day, so will leave this chunk of the day until the next download. Best to change just a few things (or one! But I'm too impatient! lol) and know which change affected what.

Tiny Fish update:

Hooray for 24 weeks and "viability" - whatever that is. I take it to mean that should I (heaven forbid, touch wood, throw salt over shoulder etc etc) go into early labour then the medical folks would have a crack at saving the Tiny Fish. I very much like the idea that the outside world now considers Tiny Fish worth saving. I have thought him/her worth it since I knew she/he existed for us. It is interested now that I am Showing with a capital S how people react differently to me. My pregnancy has felt very real to me for a long time now, so it is strange to see how other people are just starting to catch on with the idea. I am now well over half way there, and I have been rather full of mirth this week when colleagues and students react in surprise when they ask "am I pregnant?" get a "yes, over halfway now!" in response. Hehe.

I have a nearly-flat belly button. This intrigues me, as my belly button has always been quite sensitive and now it seems to have lost a lot of sensation. I still have a waist, but only just. I can no longer wear normal pants and have been in maternity jeans since the day I bought them.

There is a little bit of reflux, but this is more from the fact that my stomach is getting compressed and I can no longer eat a huge meal. Even though I feel like the cookie monster and have an appetite that could crush mountains. It's a cruel irony that now I am "allowed" and even encouraged to eat more, I can't fit it in without reflux or terrible painful indigestion. My weight is now about 64Kg, give or take, and I still get a bit worried when I see it plateau or drop. Nearly 10Kg+ from my original weight of 55Kg.

The biggie is my leg. I have tried physio (4 sessions) and that seemed to help a tiny bit, but not really. Honestly, they don't seem to be able to help. When I went last week the physio suggested I try a stretchy type of maternity belt thing to try and hold my belly up and off the nerve in my hip. This works for about 15 mins, or until I move, when the stretchy band will roll up and try to cut me in half. I wore it for 2 days before ripping it off for good. The pressure of it squishing my belly was just too much, and I got a very good impression of what a sausage would feel like!

Today I had to take my students on a field trip. About 30mins before we were due to depart, I remembered that on this particular field trip there are very few places to sit. It would be standing for about 2 hours. I started to panic because at the moment I can't stand up for more than about 10 mins before the searing, burning, buzzing, icicle-stabbing pain goes through my right front thigh muscle. I can no longer wear shoes with a heel of any sort. This, I do not like. I spent most of the field trip propping my right foot up on anything the right height, looking like a flamingo, trying to take the weight off that hip. Not that it relieves the pain or anything, it just means I don't collapse.

I managed a gentle 20 min walk along the seaside walkway on the weekend, but couldn't walk back so Hubby had to get the car to collect me. This piece of exercise did me good and yesterday way brilliant with loads of energy. today not so great but that's cos I forgot my pre-natal vitamins!

So I have decided that the physio has reached it's limits. I will instead look at something for more whole-body relaxation, like a pregnancy massage. And I want to do more swimming and more gentle walks even though it hurts. The exercise does me good in the long run.

Depending on whether Tiny Fish is having a growth spurt (I get headaches, tiredness, and all over achiness +++) or not, then my sleep is either reasonable or complete crap. On the nights where I wake up multiple times with low or high blood sugars, plus a couple of times to pee, and then every time I need to rollover I "wake" exhausted in the mornings. The achiness is something else. Shoulders, upper back, hips, all my belly, and legs all aching together. On those nights I build a fort of towels and pillows in the bed and try to be careful with rolling over. Last night was pretty good, no towels or pillows necessary so I could spread out a bit, and just Sockington the insulin pump (in his snazzy blue sock) to take care of when I roll over. I never thought sleep would be such a complex drama. But insomnia sometimes grabs me when I am very over tired and that just makes things worse. The key is to go to bed early. Easier said than done!

Sorry for the ramble-ness of this post, that's about as coherent as I get these days.

Thank you to all of you who have taken time to post comments, it's lovely to hear from you! Even though I am not posting super-regularly I am reading all your blogs every day!

22w4d Shopping for baby hardware

I didn't expect to come buy a stroller and a capsule already. Really! We were just going in to have a look. I was relieved when we walked into the baby-stuff shop and saw only four strollers. "This won't be too hard," I thought to myself.

But then I turned around, and there were 20 more strollers and a whole wall of capsules! So overwhelming! Hubby, having some experience in this area before, saved my bacon on this one. He knew what he was looking for and he knew when he had found a bargain. There was a shop demo model (aren't they all demo models??) that was nearly half price and it had a matching capsule. Here's what we got:

Urban Escape II stroller

Urban Escape II Capsule

It all looks far too big for a newborn to me. I use the phrase "I have no idea!" multiple times per day when talking about baby stuff. It is all so foreign and new to me, so unfamiliar, that I want to learn more about it. Spending a lot of time looking at all the many weird contraptions for sale on baby-stuff websites. Trying to make tentative lists of the basic things I would like to purchase. Reading a lot of reviews and watching some YT vids of what items people found useful. But really, I won't know until we get there. Or rather, until Tiny Fish gets here. Lots of kicking in response to that!

My diabetes has been a bit naughty over the weekend and I think this is because there has been another growth spurt. I have gained 2kgs, so now +7kgs for a total of 62kgs. I am very glad to finally be gaining a bit of weight as I was very concerned for a while there. So I got a couple of highs and a few more lows, just more fluctuations than I would have like over the weekend. My diabetes nurse and I made some adjustments last week to try and bring the afternoon blood sugar levels down, so I know that will potentially have messed things up. And I got the traditional bad 2 day headache which panadol barely touches and means I have to sleep more. Long story short: I am thinking that maybe I am getting a taste of the 2nd trimester insulin resistance, or at least needing slightly more as my weight increases.

My leg. Oh geezjus my right thigh is painful. It hurts to stand, and now it hurts to sit and sometimes even to lie down. I cannot find any stretches which alleviate the buzzing, burning feeling in the muscle. Swimming used to give me about 40mins of bliss in the water, but we went for a swim on the weekend and even in the water my leg ached and burned :( Now when I touch the skin gently on my thigh, it burns and buzzes. Not good. I have another appointment with the physio this week so I will see if there is anything else I can do. She had mentioned I might need to wear a belly-belt to support the tummy, but that doesn't usually get prescribed until much later in pregnancy.

Today I feel really high. Sick, thirsty, like I have ketones or something which I don't. My blood sugar is pretty stable and level. I am just sitting at my desk waiting for class to start. I notice stress is doing this to me, as well as having an empty stomach: makes me feel sick. Just tired and exhausted. I'm sure I will perk up once I get into class though :)

5w3d Panadol vs. Dex

I woke yesterday morning to the mother of all headaches. I knew instantly that it was going to be a long grueling day: my super-human sense of smell sniffed something like paint as I was waking up, and the headache decided to stay with me from 7am to 11pm.

Of course, I can't take neurofen at the moment, bit I didn't want to take panadol either as that messes up the Dexcom readings.

We had the step kids and they wanted to go to a gala day which was a beautiful, noisy, rowdy, fun outing except my head was killing me and I kept going really low. Hubby bought me a lolly kebab on a stick!

I slept fitfully most of Sunday afternoon, waking a couple of times for high alarms. At one point I woke up enough to check the tubing and found a massive bubble going right into the infusion site, so I unplugged things and primed. It dripped a few drops and then seemed to stop. With the bedroom curtains drawn, and bleary eyes, I couldn't see that I was actually shooting a thin spout of insulin across the bead spread! Oops!

By 11pm, and after every natural remedy I could think of, my head was pounding so I gave up and took 4 panadol - why that many? Because paracetamol normally doesn't work for me.

True to form, the Dex duly started to rise higher and higher. That's because it measures glucose molecules, but acetaminophen molecules look very similar to the Dex sensor. This causes false high readings. Very high. My meter said I was about 10mmol, while the Dex thought I was about 19.3! Let's just say I learnt how to disable the high-alarm feature pretty quickly. With the Dex and the Vibe pump both going mad at me every couple of minutes there was no way I would get sleep with them on.

Felt much better this morning, taught Monday class - always a drain that class - and tried to get away early but failed.

I did however get home in time to start calling midwives and OBs. Turns out the OB I want is private only, and costs nearly $4000!!! Although we could just afford that, it would be stupid as there are funded OB options available. I'll just have to make sure I don't get the one we had at the start of this IVF journey as he was strange and gave bad advice.

I did manage to book in my 8w scan with the private OB, as she has ultrasound equipment. I then had to email the fertility clinic so they can send a referral letter through to her offices, and that way it will be covered under maternity funding so free to us - yay! I just hope I don't like her too much :/ I'm checking with my health insurance to see if it covers obstetrics, but don't hold out much hope. I'm just going to have to accept the fact that I won't get the OB of my choice. Which sux big time since I've heard great things about her. Sigh.

The midwife was a more positive call. We left a message and she rang back after dinner. She is the first one I looked at, mainly because she stated in her online profile that she works closely with specialists. She took time with us on the phone and we will meet her early next week.

3rd HCG test is tomorrow. I don't really have any nerves about this one, as I've had so many symptoms. And no bleeding with cramping, or bleeding at all, which I take as a good sign.

Oh, did I mention that the gala day was held at the primary school where me, Hubby, his Dad, my Sister, my 3 step-kids all went? Yeah, it has zoning and we're not in the zone, but Hubby knows the principal and asked him if it's possible to put our name on the list anyway and we can! Talk about forward thinking! So exciting! I really hope this pregnancy sticks and goes smoothly, I am getting a bit fond of our little embryo!

14dp3dt My Husband is wonderful

It's nearly midnight and I am a bit of a mess. I have been battling high blood sugars now (above 15mmol) for several hours and I'm now 2.9mmol. Very low. Amazed I can type coherently even.

This progesterone is totally kicking my butt. Plus I suspect I may be making my own now.

Today was a tough class to teach. I didn't enjoy it and my heart rate got raised. So did my bloodsugar from the stress. That is where today's roller coaster started.

After lunch a high caught me and wouldn't let go for several hours. This one I attribute to accidentally buying a white-bread sandwich that I thought was brown bread. Boo. Sux when something so stupid can wreck and ruin things like it did.

I went low just at the time before dinner when my Diabetes Nurse Educator phoned. We have been playing phone tag for a couple of weeks now, and since she didn't know that I'm now pregnant it was vital I talk to her about these stubborn highs.

Actually I thought I wasnt doing too bad, diabetes-wise, before she said it was urgent to get these under control, and that it would have been more ideal if they had been under control at conception. I said "they were!!" I have been working so hard to keep my numbers safe. And I was doing bloody well before IVF drugs and pregnancy hormones jumped in the ball-pit!

Anyway, it was a friendly Chet and she gave me lots of new (much stronger) insulin to carb ratios which will increase my meal boluses by 30 - 50%. That's huge and I'm not convinced. But I tried it for dinner (another bad choice: takeout, but I'm exhausted, we both are) and at first I thought oh hey this is working! I'm flatlining after a burger! Brill!

And then suddenly about and hour after dinner my blood glucose just took a massive ramp up. Climbing and climbing, until it got over 18mmol!!! I was frantic. Drinking loads of water, giving as much insulin as I dared. Still nothing worked and it kept rising.

I have read of other T1D pregnant women feeling guilty over high blood sugar, but this wasn't just guilt, this was fear, terror. High blood sugars can result in all sorts of bad things for the foetus which I daren't write here. Just google type 1 diabetes and pregnant to scare yourself shirtless. :(

I gave upwards of 4 correction boluses and put a 30% temp basal increase in place as I was about to have more progesterone which will make my blood sugar rise.

And them I decided to check the line for bubble. Bloody bubbles! With only 57 units left (I know, that sounds like too much to throw away to me too) I ripped out the set and put a new infusion site in. When I pulled the cartridge out of my pump it looked all bubbly like sprite. Useless. So, bubbles are another defendant in the case against high blood sugars.

We toddled off to bed, and I was finally dropping, but with double arrows straight down. I felt terrible, the cramping was just cramping up as it tends to do whenever my blood sugar goes low or high or moves too fast (same thing happens on period so not too concerned) and I was exhausted from the day and trying to beat back highs.

I cried and told Hubby I was scared. I'm doing what I feel is my best and it's not good enough. It's one thing to avoid caffeine, but when it comes to the really important stuff like controlling my blood sugar I can't do it. I'm trying so hard. It feels like everything I do with my diabetes management is hurting me, and worst, hurting my baby. My baby. Wow. That made me well up. I feel very helpless not being able to provide a safe, stable blood sugar environment. I'm doing my best. I won't give up I will get this sorted. I knew it wouldn't be easy.

But sometimes you just have to lie there and be held as you pour your heart out to you soul mate and he cuddles you and tells you it's going to be fine and that he's proud of the amazing job you're doing.

I'm crying through this. I know a lot of it is probably the hormones giving my emotions a hiding, and coming out of a low, (5.2 now, thank God) and the sheer overwhelmed-ness I feel having gone through this IVF process. The lead up has been so long and harrowing. Now that the embryo is in me, I feel an enormous responsibility to do my best to keep as healthy as possible.

So, I am being proactive and making a plan:

- DNE's new insulin to carb ratios may be too strong, but I shall try them for a couple of days and then change them if necessary.

- I will txt my DNE to ask advice

- I will try to avoid white breads, rice, etc and other high-GI foods in large quantities.

- don't be lazy. Cook good food. We do get in the habit of eating out once or twice maybe per week.

- be gentle when correcting a low, and always have a stash of glucose with me.

- be gentle and kind to myself, and practice stress-reduction techniques.

- realize that I can only do my best, and what will be will be

Second beta is tomorrow. I have no symptoms to doubt this pregnancy, but I am so, so scared. Please send your love and hope and thoughts to us for a good rising beta.

Thank you for all of your support. This is scary and knowing I'm not alone in these thoughts really helps to calm me.

CD 14: How many embryos made it?

And are we going to be doing a day 3 or day 5 embryo transfer?

Today was the first day I lost my shi*t in this whole thing. I had been getting dreams last night about the embryo transfer and so when I woke up it was the first thing on my mind. I woke at 7.30am, and then had to wait until "lunchtime" for the embryologist to call us with the news of how many embryos had made it overnight.

I didn't realise how attached I would get to them. Those three little potential-people.

MIL was preparing for her first open home so we went around there to help her prepare a bit, and we were just walking in from the garden when I heard a phone ring. I nearly jumped out of my skin and literally yelled at Hubby "PHONE!!!!" He looked at me like I had lost my mind - which I had - and politely told me it was my phone.

I answered, but in my nervousness I couldn't remember how to put it on speakerphone so we were head to hear trying to listen-in. T the embryologist was lovely, and said that of the 3, one of them didn't look so good today. But of the other 2, on looked great and the other was ok. She said "well since we already have our shining star, we will do a day 3 transfer, I have an appointment for you at 11.20am tomorrow morning."

I asked about whether it would be possible to get a photo of the embryos and she said yes she would note that down for us but we would also need to tell the embryologist on tomorrow as it will be her day off. Then I wanted to know if the clinic provided valium or anything for the ET, and she said no. I explained that I had read some things suggesting it would be good to relax the muscles, and she said "stop reading!! I have seen hundreds of ETs over 7 years and there has never been a problem like that" I felt very reassured. We thanked her once again for explaining things so well the other day, and then hung up. We were off to Hamilton again!

Every now and then the enormity of what we are doing just hits me. It is so amazing and scary and exciting. There is such hope. We have been through so many obstacles and although I am trying to think of this as "a chance at a chance" it is becoming more difficult not to get attached to those little embryos. I must try and think of this just as another medical procedure. Stay calm, as going nuts doesn't help and it just puts additional pressure on Hubby.

So we are now up in Hamilton. We have been out for a big meal and I have been writing lesson plans to send to the relief teacher who is looking after my class tomorrow.

Wish us luck. This is a surreal time.

p.s. my sister just clicked that she might become an aunt tomorrow! How cute :)

The night before the first IVF injection

Those drugs in the fridge are looming in my mind. Not because of the needles or anything like that, but rather because I am about to step (leap?) into the unknown.

I have no idea if IVF will work for us. We have been given very good chances by our reproductive endo, but still. He also gave us a whole long list of scenarios that could also happen. And I appreciate knowing that things are a bit up in the air at this point.

When I woke up this morning, it was before the alarm had gone off and even before the cat had time to jump on the bed and politely request demand and stomp all over us with wet feet for his breakfast. That familiar cramp. I decided that it was only, maybe, October the 4th??? at best so it must just be lack of a kiwifruit the day before. Oh, I was wrong. This WAS CD1!!! Wow. Never thought I would be telling the interwebs that news, especially not with so many exclamation points lol.

I dug out the phone number for the nurse and called and left her a message. Then I wondered a bazillion things, then ate breakfast.

At work, I kept jumping for the phone. It was my first day back after a short mid-semester break and the change in routine, plus first period with the insulin pump to deal with, plus waiting for the nurse to phone me back with dates and instructions just clouded my brain up real good.

Take some neurofen. Go for a walk with my friend and get doughnuts and hot chocolates. Damn, even the glorious bolus calculator can't figure this one out. Sigh.

She rang and was really personable and happy. Like she remembered who I was and actually cared. I got instructions and dates for what meds to take when, up until day 9 which is when I will need to go in for a scan and bloodwork. Once I got off the phone, I texted Hubby then got online and booked our motel of choice in Hamilton. We are 3hrs away so I will miss a day and a half of work, and since the appointment is early in the morning we will just go up the night before to make it less stressful.

I forgot to tell the nurse I am now on an insulin pump. Thinking about emailing her that info shortly.

My whole focus, my whole energy right now, is on remembering to take the Elonva injection tomorrow. Calmly, and without fuss. I have been harpooning myself every 3 days or so now with insulin pump site changes and dexcom changes, so another needle is not the problem. It's the unknown. I get one shot at this, and if I screw it up with this injection I can't grab another from the local pharmacy or anything.

Oh, speaking of said local pharmacy: I did NOT know that the antibiotics Hubby and I both have to take as part of the IVF stint are not funded. At all. Even worse, because they are prescribed by a specialist, it's a higher prescription charge. Still less than $40 for 4 tablets, but I thought this was publicly funded? I didn't quibble, just paid and decided to be calm.

Other news:

• Hubby has a perfect heart. No really, I know this as a medical fact. Last monday, he dropped the kids off back to their Mum's and then promptly took himself in the the emergency department as he thought he was having a heart attack with chest pain radiating down the left arm with tingles in his hand. He called me at work and we then spent 7hrs in A&E, 3 EKGs, 2 lots of blood work, and a heart attack was ruled out. Stress, they said, but could be angina. So last Thursday he got to do a EKG stress test on a treadmill. They were supposed to get him to exercise to only 80% of the target rate, but pushed him to 110% because they couldn't find anything wrong. Stress, they said. So I have been trying to help Hubby calm down and relax some. He is working the equivalent of 2 x full time jobs, both very stressful. The freelance project with be over soon, and the more "normal" job is offering more security and hours so there is light at the end of the tunnel.
• Last week we averaged a 1hr bike ride per day. Even in the midst of chest-pain-o-rama!
• Holidays are good and I had just remembered how to have them when it turned into time to go back to work. Bah.
• One of our four chickens is sick. She has a sore infected foot and I took her to the vet today. Poor chookie is also now on antibiotics. Enough for a great dane dog, according to the packet!
• Of course, the day I need to be in Hamilton is also the second day of term! I have already provided my payroll lady with a letter from the clinic so I can take IVF days off as sick days which is very good.
• The cat thinks he wants to go to the vet also. He has been catching (big, ginormous) rats and eating just their tails. They, in response, have been scratching him on the eyeballs. Requiring expensive and painful vet treatment and nasty sticky eye ointments which make him think that I never loved him. Poor kitty! I am hoping it's just a sympathy squint cos he saw the cat box I used to transport the chicken in.
• I have a new hobby. I like to burn things. Don't be calling the authorities on me! I am talking about lampworking and making glass beads. Highly addictive and meditative. And beautiful.

Right. Off to take my pre-natal vitamins and watch a video about how to give an Elonva injection. Wish us luck!

My Pump Start Experience - Part 2

Pre-pump start preparation

Try saying that 3 times quickly. ha.

Following on from my part 1 post, here are a few more things I did to prepare myself for the pump training day and pump start. Here are my recommendations:

• Do the grocery shopping so you will have enough food for healthy easy-to-cook meals in the house for a week.
• Have a shower the night before pump start. Take your time, wash your hair. Enjoy your last "free shower" for a while. Recognise that the next time you bathe it will be different.
• Put all the pump supplies and stuff in a box to take to training. Take more, or ask your nurse if you're not sure what to bring.
• Because I wasn't given a list of what to bring, I needed a few things extra which I only learned about or guessed because of reading blogs. Take the following:
• Your pump. Duh. But my trainer said it happens. And in one instance a mother of a diabetic child asked if she had to bring her kid!
• Infusion sets, cartridges, lines.
• Your CGM.
• Sensors and inserter.
• IV Prep wipes (they have adhesive in them, as well as alcohol)
• Unisolve wipes (for removing sticky things, you won't need it immediately but it's good to have it handy. A must for getting adhesive residue off)
• Micropore tape (to tape the line to your skin in a safety loop. My first safety loop saved my pump from the toilet on the very first night!)
• Opsite Felifix tape. (Use this to hold the Dexcom on for longer)
• Scissors (for various tapes and packaging)
• A small bottle of hand-sanitiser (alcohol, I got one that has aloe vera in it)
• A notebook and pen.
• Your camera/smartphone to take a pic of your first site insertion!
• Pack your lunch the night before. Everything needs to be carb counted. I have been weighing things all week, and then looking them up on Calorie King. I also started writing the carb counts of food like muesli bars on the individual wrappers, and on the glad wrap of unpackaged foods.
• Aim to eat similar meals at similar times of the day for a couple of days prior to the pump start, so you know what those foods should do to your blood sugars.
• Record your blood sugars in as much detail as possible to get a good "before and after" picture.
• Preferably earlier than the day before pump start: get your HbA1c, get a general medical check done, go to the dentist for your checkup, take your vitamins (if any), stay away from sick folks as you don't want any unplanned sickness while you are learning the pump.

Pump Start Training

My husband works from home mostly, so he was able to drive me to the pump start day at the hospital. There would be two of us being trained by two different pump reps for both Animas and Medtronic. I also knew my DNE would be there.

Well, there were 9 people in that room when I walked in! Me, the other diabetic woman, our DNE (1), two more DNEs (2 + 3) who wanted to learn more about T1 and pumps, two Animas pump trainers and two Medtronic trainers. Plus our endo popped in at one point. Plus me makes 10. There were a total of four diabetics present. The most I have ever experienced as an adult.

I put my huge box of stuff on the floor and started pulling out my Animas box. I felt rather self-conscious as 9 pairs of eyes watched me, and I must say that the other T1D's face was fixated on my pump box. She had the Minimed Paradigm plus their CGM. I opened my box and showed her my pink pump, and I may have detected a little envy? Maybe a little consternation that she had not been offered this pump choice? Or that she had been counselled away from it? Who knows. I could be reading too much into it. Could have just been nerves.

We started off by going over the rough schedule for the day, and introducing everyone. I introduced myself and explained what I did for a career. Our DNE gave us some initial instruction, and we were given out basal rates, I:C ratios, ISF, and BG targets for the first day.

Then we split up into two camps to complete basic training and installation. I can't speak for what happened in the Medtronic training as I didn't see any of it, but everyone was pretty friendly - and nervous! The anticipation! Wow!

I had my Animas trainer, T, and a new Animas trainer, K, who would be doing his very first training session with me. I felt fully fine with this, as T was obviously going to be helping out and watching closely, and I had so many nurses and diabetics to hand that I knew I would be looked after well. One of the other DNE's also joined us, as she (I think) specialised in T2 and wanted to upskill by learning about the pump.

The Animas-camp moved into a smaller room, and K explained that the first thing we would do was install the infusion set, to "get it out of the way, otherwise you won't be able to concentrate". Very cool! I was given a training manual and then we were into the practical stuff.

Very quickly, I learned that humour and nodding and saying "I understand" would be the quickest way through this. Since I had watched so many videos of people doing site changes, there were few pieces of brand new information to me. I had a good overall idea of what was going to happen, and just made sure to ask questions as they occurred to me. It's just, things seemed to take so long, and even when I nodded that I understood, K would still have to explain things in full to me. I expect that as part of the routine there are various things that have to be explained ad nauseum for legal reasons. But it's a small moan really, as the trainers both said I was doing really well all the time.

Best bits

K had two demo pumps, plus I had my real one. Nurse S was offered one pump to use and K took the other. After putting in the battery I learnt how to set my basal rates into the pump and review them carefully.

We started off with washing hands and talking about keeping surfaces and hands clean. And then it was time to put in my first ever infusion site!!!

Looking ever so slightly green, K announced that he would put in a site on himself which surprised me a bit, I was expecting only to be guided through it. I suggested that instead of him doing the whole thing then asking me to repeat a long bunch of steps that rather we do it together step-by-step. Hey, if it works for my students, it should work for me too! hee! They liked the idea so K took a blue Inset 30 inserter, and I took my pink one.

He showed me how to open the inserter pack, and suggested I hitch my skivvy up under my bra so it wouldn't fall down and contaminate the site. I used the alcohol wipe to clean my skin in a spiral motion. And after watching K carefully as he inserted his blue site, it was my turn. I decided that if I just did it, then it would be done. If I screwed it up, so what? I could just try again elsewhere. So I put the little feet of the inserter on my belly, pushed a little bit so the skin bulged, and then squeezed the release trigger. It shot the needle down into my abdomen at an angle, and I sure did feel it go in. But it wasn't super painful. Nowhere near as bad as getting an intramuscular immunisations shot in the arm, for instance. It was worse than a pen injection due to the speed and force, and I think I was quite tense which made it worse. But it was more the force I felt, not pain. The closest I could explain it is if someone pokes you with a wooden toothpick hard but quickly. Overall I was surprised at how quickly it was over and how very little it hurt. In fact I couldn't feel it at all after about 15 seconds. After about 30 seconds, a wave of a dull ache started at the site, the feeling you get when there is something sharp sticking in you, and if you move too far or too fast, it will really hurt. But I wouldn't classify it as pain. More just a warning of potential pain if I moved. I was also quite tense and since I was unsure about how it should feel, I took great effort not to knock it or move my belly muscles.

But it never did get any worse and before I knew it, it was right on to doing my first cartridge fill with a demo cartridge and... "Pretendy Insulin" so labelled because it is in fact an old Novolog vial filled with tap water! This was T's sense of humour and it takes the prize for the cutest thing of the day! :)

After the demo cartridge, it was time to do my real cartridge, with real insulin. Suddenly I was a lot more concerned about the bubbles! K kept telling me to hold the cartridge upright and flick it around in a swirling motion, but I must have been doing it wrong lol. I just wanted to fix it the way I knew works best, from years and years of MDI with syringes!

I loaded the cartridge and then attached the line. And before I knew it, I was pumping insulin. It was all so delightfully easy and pain-free that I couldn't help smiling a huge smile and taking a photo:

First pic of my first infusion site and pumping insulin for the first time evah! I'm sitting down that's why my tummy looks so odd. lol

Worst bits

[I didn't really want to write this bit, mainly because I know one of the people involved has access to this blog. Isn't that always the way. You find yourself censoring things to protect folks in real life. Well, I figure if this is to be an accurate record then it should be honest. The person involved, I'm sure, would be the first to admit that we both have strong personalities, and that we have all made up and are fine now. It's not identifying. But it did affect me terribly at the time so I have decided to write it down. It it's you, well, um sorry? Hey it happened and it wasn't exactly a private exchange...]

After all of the adrenaline of the morning, and after afternoon tea and a second session of training which covered setting all manner of things on the pump, we gathered together in the big room before lunch. We had covered a lot of stuff including putting on the Dexcom, but not boluses. It was the one thing I was suddenly getting some urgency about because lunch was coming up. Earlier in the morning, DNE 1 had asked when we should break for lunch. She suggested 12.30 or 1pm. I raised my hand and suggested that maybe the diabetics should decide, as I ate at 12noon. Well, lunch was late. I was edgy, and in the pre-lunch gathering DNE growled my trainers for not teaching me boluses yet! However, I knew more about the CGM than the other "team" as it turned out. It started to get quite competitive and I did not find that helpful one little bit.

Lunch was short, because.... um the morning session ran late, but for some unknown reason they couldn't give more than 20 mins for lunch??? Anyway, I texted my Hubby to come and pick me up so I could have lunch at home. He was a the front doors in a flash and once we got home (like a 60 second journey! They wouldn't let me walk home!) I heated my lunch, did tests, and discovered that the Dexcom 2hr warm-up time had just finished. So I got distracted, but in a good way! I tested and was low. 4.3mmol/L. Sh*t. Normally I would eat my lunch and have juice and test again some 15 mins later. But I had to get back to training. And I had to use the pump to deliver my insulin according to it's software and algorithms. So I hoovered up my noodles and kiwifruit, and tested again as late as possible. But not long enough, only 10 mins. I was still low. I decided to work out a dose on my iPhone app and just give that manually.

Well, when I got back to training I was going a bit high. Only 12 or something. Not much. But enough for DNE 1 to scold me out in front of everyone and ask my why I had done things the way I did them. And basically tell me I made the wrong decision not to just trust the pump. I was recovering from a low (which she had been made aware of) and was super stressed and nervous about the whole process of changing to the pump. I started to get emotional and I could feel the frustration and anger and tears welling up. When I go low, I lose my words, and I often have an inability to form my thoughts into coherent sentences which actually mean what I am thinking for up to 15 mins post a low. I get severe lethargy and a semi-wet-concrete brain for up to a couple of hours post a low. I was not in a good place to be called out on something as basic as an insulin dose at that moment. I just told her "I can't take this right now!" Thankfully, one of the Medtronic trainers who also happened to be diabetic piped up and said some soothing comforting things, and smoothed things over. I made sure, once I understood where my feeling came from to tell DNE that I understood what she was trying to say to me. I know she was just trying to look after me, but her manner was rough in that minute.

And what were my feelings, you ask? Well, I had spent so long preparing and thinking about the physical aspect of being attached to the pump, that I hadn't considered quite how dramatically it would affect me emotionally.

Having to give over control, completely, to a machine.

In my 25 years with T1D, most of the time either it's been my parents or myself in the driver's seat. I have been working out the carbs, dosing the insulin, and organising all the appointment and treatment since my teens. Giving even part of that up was hard. Once I had had that shown to me, I could actively manage my emotions and make strategies to deal with the changeover. Such as just treating the new pump as an experiment, one that although not without risks, was done in a semi-controlled environment with lots of people around me to help. I would be ok. Suddenly, it seemed do-able.

Things I didn't expect

• How NOT painful site and sensor insertions would be. Just do them calmly and quickly so you don't tense up. No big deal.
• How much I was unprepared for the giving-over of control to the pump.
• How useful all the video-watching and prep I'd done would be. The training is a blur to me now, but it was helpful to see things in real life and to pull and the bits together.
• How emotional it could get.
• That my DNE would expect me to run at 4.5 all day. Both the other trainee and I went "you've got to be kidding!" but she assured me it would be fine. And she was right.
• To have all those people in the room.
• How unsupported I could feel at times.
• How very strange it would be to spend a whole 2 days dedicated to diabetes AND NOTHING ELSE.
• How weird it would be talking to nearly complete strangers about my most personal and intimate moments and choices with diabetes.

What I wish I knew before hand

• It's quite possible to wear the pump so no-one knows.
• It also possible to be so comfortable with the pump and dex that you forget you're wearing them.
• It's super fantastic to have another method to measure my blood glucose, and the Dex certainly gives the crappy Caresens N-Pop a run for it's money! On the very first day the Dex caught multiple lows that the meter didn't show up and I didn't feel. Being able to take preventative action to both lows and highs is amazing.
  Don't expect to come down from highs really fast. Generally I am finding that if I go high (above about 11) then it takes about an hour before I come down, but the drop is more gradual. IOB is excellent and prevent the never-ending roller-coaster of glucose fluctuations.
• Taking a shower is different, but not bad. It just takes more planning (taping etc).
• You will still need to be your own advocate for your health, and to take charge of your diabetes.
• But... it's important to listen and allow the trainers and DNEs to take care of you.
• Involve your partner, spouse, family, etc as much as possible, and don't be shy to share what you have learnt with them. They are probably quite affected by the whole process and they may be more scared and nervous than you are. Clear communication is very important!
• Drink lots of water. You can actually see the action of water as it dilutes your blood sugar on the Dexcom graph!
• That I would get a 2-day migraine from the sudden drop and stabilisation of my blood sugars. Since panadol (acetaminophen) is out of the question with the Dex (and is useless to boot) I had neurofen (ibuprofen).
• Just how much it would take over my brain. I can talk of little else, to the point where I can be concentrating on a conversation and then I'll just say something totally out of context like "it's really cool being bionic, here let me know you..."
• How many different names for pumping there are: robot-parts, android, cyborg, bionic. And people's funny responses to seeing the pump first time: "so, you don't have to inject or test your blood anymore?", "oh that will make things so much simpler for you!", "can you be hacked?", "I'm a tax-payer, and you are now my tax-payer funded android. You are a terrible android since you won't grade all these students' assignments for me!", "I think you will be the first to reach the singularity (where the human mind can be uploaded to the computer. It was followed by raised eye-brows when I informed them how I had been already uploading my data", "ooh! Biometric data!".
• You can do this!

My thoughts now

At the time of finishing writing this post, I have been wearing the pump and dex for 10 days. I have done 4 site changes and one dex change.

I am now very comfortable wearing both, and I have developed a habit of flashing people my belly to show them my cool new robot parts. I even showed an entire class. It prompted a really good discussion and they were all so curious.

As each day went on, things got easier and more familiar. I was at first very tense, both physically and emotionally about having the devices attached, but as I learned to relax into it, things got easier. I treated each new activity as a challenge: first night with the pump, first day back at work, first bike ride, first unbroken sleep, first pump low alarm, first class taught, first shopping trip for clothing, wearing the pump in as many places as possible, stretching (that took me a while! I thought it would hurt lol).

The Dexcom is AMAZING and if I had to pick just one device, it would be the Dex all the way. The pump is allowing me to achieve flat lines in my blood glucose graphs like I've never seen before in my life. With these two devices I am finally able to spot some trends and patterns. When I start to go low, I know roughly how fast I am dropping and how low I am currently so I can take an appropriate amount of juice - not too much.

I am really loving the stability and control I have gained.

My husband keeps telling me he can't believe how much energy I have now. And my semi-continuous headache has finally lifted (you know, the one you get from bouncing between 2 and 20 in a day?)

My family, friends, colleagues and students have all been loving, supportive, or curious. I have not had anyone be negative about it, and I have been able to talk about T1D a lot in this past week. That has to be positive.

I am downloading all my data nightly and uploading it to Diasend. So far I am averaging about 92% in target range. My target is 8 and that is my average reading both from my CGM and blood glucose meter.

For the future

I really hope that this will mean excellent control as we head into IVF soon. It will only be a couple of weeks away now, and we got some more good news: the AMH test came back at 15.35 mmol which is firmly in the green! I was worried about this, but things are all lining up as best they can.

I am really excited about this huge step in my life. Overall things are going incredibly positively, and the pump and CGM together are like having my eyes opened after being blind for 25 years. It's going well. If you are considering doing this, I would love to hear from you. If you have tips and tricks for me - yes, you should so email me! I need to know all your goodness and pick your brain please?! :D thekaitakeblog @ gmail com

My Pump Start Experience - Part 1

I officially became an insulin pumper on 18th September 2013, at 10.19am.

I really wanted to write down what it's like to go on an insulin pump for the first time while it's all still fresh in my mind, so that I have a good record and so I can share my experiences with others online. Although I've seen plenty of blogs written by pumpers, I haven't stumbled across many "pump start" posts that aren't kids on pumps - and I'm a T1D 25+ yrs!

Because there is so much to tell you all, and I am so very tired at present, I've decided to break the writing of this post into a couple of parts. So please follow along!

As yet... still unnamed. Thoughts? "My Pump" is a little boring!

My pump is a sparkly new pink Animas Vibe. Since I am in New Zealand, I was able to apply for - and have received - public funding for this pump valued at NZD $8000. The consumables ~$2000 p/year are also funded, and my first approval is valid for 9 months. I have to reapply after that and so long as I behave myself and show I am making improvements to my health and keeping my HbA1c below 60(?) mmol then I should be fine.

It took several months from the time I made the decision to email my endo and say "Hey, I want to go on a pump! Can you write my application letter?" to actually being approved, to organising meetings with the two pump reps and then coordinating with my Diabetes Nurse Educator to book in the pump start. Which was a bit of a struggle.

But I'm here now, and it's going superbly well. I am completely exhausted, these last 3 days have been incredibly intense, but I think it is going to be a GOOD THING for me :)

My thoughts before...

When I first thought about getting a pump, about 10 years ago, I didn't know much about them. I was scared of the idea of being tethered to something all the time, and I figured that since they weren't funded (then), that I would just have to do my best to emulate a pump with injections. I tried this as best I could, by using Lantus and Humalog, and doing smaller doses throughout the day. I tried to emulate a combo/square bolus by splitting my bolus injection for large meals. I used two apps by FridayForward (I credit them with a 2% drop in my HbA1c) which I heartily recommend as they taught me about I:C ratios, ISF, and blood glucose targets. I last did diabetes education when I was 5. That is 26 years ago!! So I had just been coasting along, doing my thing, but not really keeping up with technology or best practice for diabetes management. So once I got the wake up call from my new Endo that what I thought was good control was in fact, quite erratic and full of fluctuations, I decided to do something about it. I am not sure that any diabetes management would work without that internal motivation, cos every method takes lots of work.

I found Kerri Sparling's blog, sixuntilme, and I pored over the archives there. Suddenly, an insulin pump seemed desirable again, and her writing and videos showed me how a confident successful woman could handle diabetes with conviction. I explored further, finding TuDiabetes and the massive collection of wonderful diabetics online who are all asking questions, sharing, and teaching. My diabetes education was online, it was self-taught, and it was at my own pace. If I saw people talking about "IOB" in a post, I would take initiative and go find out what it was, then see if I could apply that to my own situation with MDI. Gradually, I found the online support network that I had been missing during my teens. I did not knowingly encounter another T1D after I attended my last diabetic camp at about age 12, and I didn't stay in contact with any of the kids as I was too young to realise how important they might be to me later. I felt that diabetes was my thing, it was personal to me, and it made me special. I was the only one who had it. Very surprisingly, I never had any real rebellion against diabetes and my self-management. I just had a whole lot of very out-dated learning that I still trusted in, and being reluctant to change, my new Endo and Diabetes Nurse Educator (DNE) had a bit of a battle convincing me otherwise.

In more recent years, I have been much more vocal about my diabetes. I have become more confident as a person; I graduated, got a job, was made redundant, found a wonderful new job, I broke my back twice, I got married, we decided to start a family, I have teenage step-kids, I started blogging and sharing my story about T1D and infertility. Lot's of stuff, you know: life.

My Endo saw the work I was doing, but would always tell me he had no ideas about what was causing my horrendous fluctuations in blood glucose levels. I was testing 8+ times per day, on a split dose of Lantus (9am, 8pm) with 5+ Humalog injections (I:C 1:8am, 1:10lunch, 1:12dinner, 1:14supper). He wrote me blood tests for everything under the sun, trying to find the magical missing element which was causing all the trouble. But we never found anything.

This. OMG. Go get some and put it in your mouthparts NOW!

In the lead up to the pump start day, I was tense and nervous and pretty useless: I had trouble concentrating, I was getting itchy excema on my back, and my face was trying it's best to break-out. I may have eaten a whole lot of comfort chocolate. Although my logical brain knew that there would be nurses and doctors and husbands to look after me, I was terrified of...something. Most of the time I was ludicrously happy that I was finally going to get to try a pump. And stupendously ridiculously deliriously happy that I was getting a CGM (bought by my wonderful Dad xox). I tried to articulate this strange dichotomy of feelings to my husband, my friend at work, and my Mum, but I could never get them to understand how I felt.

Since we are about to start our first round of IVF in October (less than a month, now), I had this added pressure to have the pump work well. The whole reason and motivation for actually getting off my arse and doing this work to switch to the pump was to prepare for any potential pregnancy. A diabetic friend of mine had been on MDI and when she finally got pregnant and wanted to go on the pump, she was too sick to do so. I knew I had to get this show on the road. And what's more, it seemed that the pump and CGM was waaaaaaaay more complex than the IVF stuff. There, the fertility doctors are in control (kind of). They decide the dosages and everything has a fixed time span. But with the pump I knew I would be doing 2 days training then be trying to do it on my own. It seemed like a much more mammoth task than contemplating IVF. I guess it's just due to the fact that I can be a control freak, and the thought of being out of control with my diabetes didn't exactly give me warm fuzzies.

So, I spent the time organising things. This was partly purely practical, to be ready. But also to fill my time and stop my stupid brain from going into a nervous meltdown of anxiety. Which I did at least twice.

A diabetic from the South Island (Hi S!) made contact with me via email, and it was wonderful to have someone experiencing the same things. I also watched a lot of videos about inserting sites, changing cartridges, and most important: where to wear the pump!? Two nights before pump start I royally freaked out about that, since I decided I only had one pair of pants that would be strong enough to support the weight of the pump. I wear a lot of dresses, and after watching some videos by Candace from Sweetful Stuff and Diabetic Danica, I took action and planned what I could do with my wardrobe.

I spent a lot of time thinking about how it would feel to wear a pump. Would it hurt? Would I be able to do things? What would it be like to shower with things stuck to me? I had these questions so I read forums and blogs to get answers. I stuck a band-aid to my tummy for a couple of days to gauge what it might feel like, and when I did an injection with my pen, I held the needle under the surface (quite still) for half a minute and decided that I couldn't actually feel it at all. Only the sharp bit hurts as it goes through the nerves at the surface of the skin. Ok, it should be fine, I decided.

An impressive big box of stuff. Note: always take the time to look like a suspicious patient and CHECK the box against the script! Bits were missing causing 2 additional pharmacy trips :/

Animas Vibe with cartridges back left and Inset 30 infusion sites and lines back right.

My pump arrived, and the consumables. The folks at my pharmacy had never processed a pump script before so they were really intrigued by it all. I think that pharmacy became my second home this week! lol :P  Then my Dad bought the CGM and that arrived. Soon I had boxes and boxes of stuff covering the lounge room floor. I had read some of the Animas manual online, so decided not to freak myself out by reading the printed one prior to the training. The Dexcom came with a DVD, so I took it round to my parents place and Dad and I watched it together. It was quite tedious, but later I found it so useful as preparation.

Being in contact with my pump rep and asking questions was really helpful, and she made me feel a lot calmer about things, like I would be supported throughout.

Oh, and I had a birthday in amongst all that too!

From my Sweet Husband! Aww!

Look out for my next post: "The pump start"