35w2d CTG monitoring for suspected placental failure

Yes yes I know, there has been a major gap in my posting on here. Sorry to have worried anyone! I appreciate those of you who have given me a poke with the comment stick hehe. Basically all is fine. But third trimester exhaustion hit me and I've been dealing with insulin resistance (blood sugars kept creeping upwards). Every evening I thought of posting I would fall asleep!

Here are some pictures of what happened yesterday:

Hi Interwebs! Check out my belly!

Oh it hasn't been all napping and falling asleep in the armchair around here. Or struggling to make it through the last several weeks of work (only 5 working days left, folks!!!) Oh no! In fact yesterday things got all interesting again as I found myself back up in Labour and Delivery having the baby's heart rate checked out, to check for placental failure. Fun times. Don't let that smile fool you.

From about 24 weeks onwards I started to get insulin resistance meaning that my blood sugars would be slightly higher each day, and a dose of insulin which worked one day, would no longer be enough. The treatment is not difficult, but it takes a huge amount of observation and dedication and trial and error to get right. Especially since it has to be done at least once a week, more likely every 3 days or so: adjusting insulin basal rates up, making insulin:carb ratios stronger, and giving more corrections throughout the day (and night) when those two prior things weren't doing the trick.

Cut to Friday, my 6th to last day at work, and I was feeling like crap. Had an awful night with barely any sleep due to almost constant low blood glucose alarms going off. I must have drunk nearly 750ml of juice throughout the night! Plus now that I'm so huge, reflux/heartburn and belly/back aches have made my nights a bit of a living hell. If I could get away with just staying awake for the rest of this pregnancy, I think I'd take it as lying down can be most uncomfortable if I'm overtired.

I checked back over my blood glucose logs and noticed that my blood sugars had been dropping more and more from Wednesday through to Friday. This set off some mild alarm bells. It could be that because I was mid-34w that my insulin resistance was starting to wane, and that would be, from what I read, somewhat normal for the increases in blood glucose to plateau out a bit. But this was a drop. I was running -30% temp basals and still getting lows. I was drinking juice by the glass and needing more in half and hour. Not normal. Plus I felt like arse. So tired, so achy, got cankles. Boo.

After scouring the interwebs on Friday night and getting help from some lovely FB ppl, I decided to give things one more night and see if they would fix themselves. Nope. So Saturday morning I messaged my Diabetes Nurse Educator who promptly phoned my OB and they both wanted me in immediately for CTG monitoring just to check for placental failure (where the placenta has started to degrade and so the baby isn't getting the blood supply it needs). I once again felt like a silly fool traipsing up the road to the hospital when by all outward appearances I was well and good. But there are no maternal symptoms of placental failure so for once I was actually quite thankful to have diabetes - my blood sugar drop being a potential early warning sign! Yay for the silver lining! :)

A lovely little British nurse got me setup on the monitor at about 11.30am, and since I had told Hubby there was no real need for him to come and sit and be bored with me in hospital, I was left alone with the wonderful sound of Tiny Fish's heartbeat.

30 mins later she came back to check on me, and kinda hummed and hawed at the graph. She said that the heart rate was good, but there wasn't really much variability. It showed one "tightening" of the uterus, but didn't capture any braxton hicks contractions in the entire time I was there. She decided to leave the monitors on for another 30 mins. I rolled to my left side at her suggestion to try and wake Tiny Fish up, even though I thought baby was already awake with some gentle movement happening. This helped to increase the variability of the heart rate which was what the midwife was looking for. She said that normally this would be a perfectly acceptable graph, but with my diabetes and the low blood she wanted to see a "perfect" graph before letting me go.

It was really nice, one of the first things she said when she came in was "I've read your notes" (Wow!!!) and I see you are Type 1, I don't know much about Type 1 as most women we get through here are Type 2 or gestational. Tell me about it" Just, wow!!! That's so awesome to have a healthcare professional being so open and friendly, and genuinely wanting to know all about Type 1 and how I manage it. She was fascinated by the CGM, and kept asking me interesting and intelligent questions about how I deal with different aspects of my diabetes. She even wanted to check with me who she should call if there was a problem with the heart rate! (It was awesome that my OB was scheduled on shift that morning. I didn't get to see him, but I believe she checked the graph with him).

At one point I was on my own again, and I noticed that Tiny Fish's heart rate that had been sitting at about 144 - 146bpm was suddenly going 140, 139, 138, 137... I felt fine, but I checked my Dexcom graph and saw that I was indeed slipping ever so slowly low:

I had been in hospital for an hour and a quarter, right across lunchtime, and had no food. Lucky I packed a banana, muesli bar, mandarin, juice... My blood glucose meter was, as normal, slacking and only showed 5.5mmol (a no-drama number), and no alarms had gone off on the dex. So I decided to see what would happen for a minute. Not long, but it intrigued me greatly that the baby's heart rate would start dropping noticeably before I felt symptoms or got low alarms. Shortly after that, the midwife came back in and by that stage I felt it necessary to eat the banana. She too was interested, and of course insisted that I stay a further 30 mins. Gah. She also threatened me with a hospital lunch but I said no thanks I have plenty!

Another goodly wait and Tiny Fish got the hiccups. The were strong enough to be seen moving my belly, and through the CTG monitor they were very loud! They were so strong the monitor kept slipping to the point that I couldn't keep it lined up with my hand, and the CTG alarm started going loudly. So that, plus loud hiccups, plus dexcom alarms, plus my phone buzzing with incoming text messages (hey, I was bored!) and soon another midwife came quickly in to sort me out. She looked at the graph and decided it was pretty good. My midwife came back in and ripped off the paper print out and took it out to get checked, and then I was released!

I packed up and got all the jelly wiped off my belly. Walking back up the corridor I started bumping into folks from my antenatal class, another and another. What was going on? Oh riiiiiiight, this was the antenatal class tour of the labour ward! lol. I was starving (hey, a banana and muesli bar is NOT enough at this stage ok) and hubby was on his way to pick me up so I decided to flag the tour. But they were all like "oh is this where we meet?" "um, yeah, I've just been in here for monitoring, I'm not staying for the tour" "Oh! Are you ok???!" "Yep, got the all clear".

So it was the result I expected, no problems, and next scan is on Thursday. But since we live so close to the hospital it is worth getting checked out anytime I see something unusual. This week is my last week of work with handovers to all the new tutors (5 replacements!) and I have 4 official medical appointments, with a recommendation from the midwife to go for another CTG monitoring session after the scan on Thursday. Current thinking is that I will talk to my boss about working shorter hours this week as the exhaustion is just getting too much for me. Hopefully I can just work mornings??? We will see :)

Thanks for reading :)

18w4d - When space starts to become sparse

The bump has most definitely gone "pop" in the last 10 days. When I wear a dress to work everyone comments on how big it is.

Tiny Fish is kicking with regularity when I wake up and when I go to bed. TF also quite likes the sound of Hubby's voice and often starts kicking up a storm when he/she hears Daddy.

Over the weekend I experienced TF's first really big growth spurt: my belly got really tight and the skin at the sides became itchy.

I got pretty tired out on Friday night and that tired-headache came on and I couldn't shake it for the whole weekend. Boo. Even with panadol each night. I was sleeping huge amounts and barely doing anything, but scared it would turn back into a migraine with more vomiting. Thankfully, it didn't, but those growth spurt hormones really treat me badly.

My blood sugars went quite high and I was using multiple temp basal increases each day to try and keep it down. I actually thought that I might finally be getting to the second trimester insulin resistance. But no, on Monday it was back to almost "normal" including the lows.

We met the obstetrician last week. He seems nice and my aunt and cousin who have connections to healthcare both say he is very nice and very good. I've got to do a PCR urine test for protein. I asked him about this numbness and pain I'm having in my leg (like a pinched nerve when I stand too long) but he didn't seem too concerned. I'll keep an eye on it and talk to my midwife about it when I see her next.

Back to work this week and things are going well. I am managing a reasonably busy day but I have to be in bed quite early or else that headache comes back.

Had a wonderful evening tonight celebrating my Dad's birthday. I ate too much and I'm paying for it now with high blood sugars and the most incredible uncomfortableness in my tum :(

Oh, and I appear to have become lactose intolerant. All that extra yogurt and milk I was advised to eat for calcium was turning from uncomfortable guts to painful.

Belly button is starting to change shape getting wider and shallower, with a knobby bump at the top. I have also noticed some tiny veins appearing on the skin at the base of ribs on both sides. No stretch marks yet but I'm using some nice smelling body butter to prevent them (not holding my breath) but it does help with the itchy skin a bit.

Here is a belly pic for you:




That's the Dexcom sensor, and I am really reacting to the adhesive now that all the skin is stretching. Also, no, those pants are not done up. Not even close lol

Massive week

My husband has been violently ill no less than eight times this week. The step kids are staying with us, and now eldest step son has it. :(

The big news has been that my father in law moved into a rest home on Friday. He'd been in and out of hospital, fallen twice, had 4 blood transfusions, heart failure, dysentery, and one ambulance ride in the 3 weeks leading up to the resthome. He's 83.

I'm 28.

Mother in law has not been coping well.

I've been getting sick too. I was up until 2am last night, finishing a major website. I got it launched but now I've absolutely crashed. Sore throat, ears, aches, snotty snout. Wah. :(

We have been on the look out for a new (used) car for hubby. A minivan. I honestly expected to have my own kids in my first minivan. Not just step kids. But they are aged 10, 14, and 16 now, so it's hard to fit everyone in a sedan. We found a suitable minivan today and told the carsales-dude we'd buy it. I will organize a car loan this week.

Tomorrow I will be with some of the other tutors from work at the annual careers expo. Our art dept has a booth and I will be on my feet "selling" our courses for 6+ hours. With a cold. Makes sense. Last time I was this sick I was in the welcome line to hongi at the powhiri!! For those of you who not from New Zealand, Google those 2 words :)

Anyway, I should have more time to blog now that massive web project has launched. So you should hear from me more often. Hope that suits! Lol :P


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Some grumpy business

Don't you hate it when you think you are doing something good, and someone slaps you in the face for it?

I have been writing this blog for a wee bit now, and it has been both a cathartic journalling exercise for me, and a way to share information with others in the same boat. I'm really passionate about transparency and honesty in the health system, and the NZ infertility system has really left me disappointed.

Just this week, I thought I was coping pretty well. I had a moment where I thought about all the good things in my life and smiled and got the ol' warm fuzzies. Things like my wonderful husband, my cool job, and the fact that I live in one of the most beautiful places in the world. Even if it does rain a bit too much some days!

But then I got a short, snarly email from someone who I've been in contact with (who I shall refer to as "The co-Author) during the course of my infertility journey. He was pissed off. My husband agreed with him. I couldn't see the logic in what he was saying. The problem the co-Author had was that I'd published his emails to me, which included his name.

Well, duh!

I was discussing a report he had co-authored, and the information he provided me was basically what my whole life was focussed on for a good few months at the beginning of this year. A report that identifies him very easily - just Google the name of the report. In other words - he was already well and truly "in the open" about working in the infertility industry. And if I write the name of the report, it's as if I had already written his name. So no, I don't fully understand the grumpiness about it. I certainly don't understand the complete lack of manners.

But, because I am a nice person, I have wasted several hours removing the co-Author's name from my posts. I don't actually see that this will harm my blog's integrity, as my readers can still find out that information if they wish. And hopefully it will satisfy the co-Author's need to remain private. Didn't mean to offend you see. I understand what it's like to be a private person and have important decisions about your life accidentally, unwittingly, unknowingly taken from you. Sound familiar?

Let me get this straight - I did not go out of my way to make anyone unhappy, I just saw that the co-Author's name was already published, so logically, to me, it made sense to continue publishing the name. It didn't even cross my mind that I should censor it. Sigh. Tricky business this, pleasing everyone.

Oh, and the email wasn't exactly complementary either. It insinuated that I have an "agenda" and this only goes to prove my point: discrimination against those made infertile by vasectomy are considered second class citizens in NZ when it comes to accessing funding for treatment.

OK, so I do have an agenda. Yep, it's really well hidden! Guess what? It's TO HAVE A BABY. How hard was that to figure out?  :P

Talking to people, such as the co-author, the MP, the many doctors, the HDC advocate etc, none of it is done for fun. It's the only option I can see at this stage in my journey, because I'm restricted from doing anything practical. Like starting treatment. I've conducted myself professionally and have not screamed and shouted at these people, as my heart wanted so badly to do sometimes. So to have one behave so rudely to me is upsetting.

/end rant

In other, nicer news, I took my first group of students on a very successful field trip, and then attended my first graduation ceremony as a tutor rather than a student! How awesome is that?! :)

What about you? Ever had a spat with someone who only knows you via your blog? What did you do?

Overload and low blood pressure

Just because I have not been posting recently does not mean I do not love you all :)

I have still been following you all on Reader, but I have not had time to actually write about what's been happening in my life recently. I've come home early today (Friday) and made time to write to you all!

Life has not been terribly exciting, there has just been lots of it.

I am teaching (creating) 4 papers. I am enrolled in 3 papers. Strike that, as of 2.30pm this afternoon, I am enrolled only in 2 papers. Why does it not feel like a relief? Instead I feel guilty, like I have let me tutor down :( Sigh. Move on. Can't do it all.

I have 2 freelance projects on the go, both websites. One is paid, one is done for love.

My husband and I officially started a freelance business venture together yesterday, when we got a domain name. It has now turned from ideas and conversations to "this is real".

I made plans for us to travel next August to a design conference I like to attend each year. This has been hard to plan because, well, see the next point...

The interwebs at work have only worked 2 out of 5 days this week. For-crying-out-loud-I'm-the-Goddamn-Web-Design-tutor!!!! W.T.F. Sob.

The step-kids have been going nuts. Mr 16 turned up unannounced this afternoon and gave me a heart attack when I walked in the front door to see the TV on full noise and him sitting on the couch eating my noodles. OK, that shouldn't startle anyone, but when you are having a low blood sugar, and it's NOT a kids weekend this sort of surprise is NOT OK. Miss 14 is being a whiny pain, and Mr 10 has decided to revert to the behaviour patterns of a very naughty 3 year old. Last weekend when they were here I got so fed up with the way they were treating us that I gave them a stern talk about treating us better next weekend, because we like to be around them, but not when they make our lives so shitty. I am NOT to be treated as hotel staff, and my house is not to be used as a backpackers! Grrr. (Small voice in my head reminds me that my mother always enjoyed the thought of me growing up and having teenagers of my* own to cope with, and now she has the sage advice "this too will pass") *I think this is part of the problem - they are not my teenagers, and I am feeling left out of the experience.

I am currently low, as you may have picked up from the previous paragraph-o-rama. 3.3mmol/L

I also have low blood pressure. Over the last 3 weeks Kind Nurse at my new GPs has measured my BP every Friday. It's never been above 110/60. Today it was a measly 90/60. GP has (jokingly, I'm sure?) told me that if the bottom number drops below 60 then that = death.

(As a side note: seems that the 24hr urine test I did last week has come back with acceptable numbers, just a request to check I don't have high blood pressure [duh], so that, at least, is some good news in the week. Means my kidneys are not failing as bad as the GP thought, but no doubt I will have to have an appointment with him to discuss in detail what those results mean. Hopefully I don't have to have another kidney biopsy. I have already decided that the only acceptable time for me to have anaesthesia will be during IVF! Well, one can try to make plans eh?)

It is now the weekend and I am behind in everything. I have 3 logos to design, 3 websites to create, 1 assignment due on my Diploma of Tertiary Teaching course, 2 presentations to make, dinner to conjure, house to clean, dishwasher to fix, garden to weed, washing to put in washing machine and push buttons beep beep wish-wash wish-wash...

Day 3 FSH, LH, Oestradiol and cortisol blood tests

I got up super-early this morning (for me, anyway!) so I could get down to the medlab for my 8am blood draw. It had to be 8am because the cortisol test needed to be done specifically at that time. My GP is investigating why my blood pressure is so low (100/60) especially since he wants me to put me on ace-inhibitor to help save my kidneys - which are misbehaving. I believe that if he finds a problem with the cortisol level it will indicate an adrenal issue, which could be what's causing the low blood pressure. So that could be fixed (one hopes??) and then my ace-inhibitor dosage could be increased to PROTECT ZE KIDNEYS! more. Yup.

Also did the CD3 FSH, LH and Oestradiol hormone tests at the same time, and picked up the huge bottle needed for the 24hr urine test for proteinuria - ITZ ZE KIDNEYS U KNOW!

Saw my aunt in the waiting room. She's just got new kittens! Pixie and Poppy! I can't wait to meet them :D

Oh, and then it was off to work. Last day of office work before the students come back from break on Monday.

I had sent out the grades for the students' first projects yesterday, so I was not surprised to get emails from some students wanting to discuss their grades. Of course, my most troublesome student wanted to meet. And bring her Mum.

I asked the other tutors who were in if they would take a bet on whether she would cry or not. They wouldn't take the bet. I so far have a 3 out of 3 strike rate for crying students at my desk. I go through a LOT of tissues. (Let me clarify: they don't cry cos I'm mean to them, quite the opposite. I try to put realistic pressure on them and they get overwhelmed sometimes. It is very difficult to succeed in a design qualification or career because it's so subjective. The students put a lot of pressure on themselves, and getting a low grade can be crushing for them. I offer all the support and help I can, but you can only lead a horse to water...)

Let's just say it was an emotional meeting, but she left happy.

Kids arrived this evening, but one is working and one is at a Pony Club thing, so it has just been Hubby, Me, and Mister 10 for dinner.

All work, no rest

It has been a hectic two weeks. And the next two will be even crazier.

We had the step-kids come to stay, so their Mum and Step-Dad could go overseas for a mate's wedding.

Hubby had leave from his job so he could work as a sound engineer on a massive music festival held in town. He started on Thursday, so I haven't seen him during daylight hours for 4 days now. We have been meeting in the wee hours "hi how was your day?" "hmmph, go back to sleep". Although somehow, he still gets up to make me breakfast! Even working 15 hour days. Such a sweetie! :)

You know I am studying for my tertiary teaching diploma, well the deadline for the first assignment has snuck up on me. I have NOTHING prepared for it. I went and had an emergency meeting with my tutor, and she confused me even more. Bah! I goddamn hope I teach better than that! I sense a last-minute cram coming my way...

So, I'm a student in one class, I teach four classes, and for the next two weeks I will be team-teaching on a fifth class. I don't know how many hours per week I'm working, but all I know is that it doesn't stop once I get home! I got one night off last week, and every other night I was working on lesson plans until 10pm. It's getting tiring. I am living on vitamin B tablets and bad cafeteria sandwiches.

And that fifth class is on a subject that I've never taught before and don't really know much about: mark making (read: experimental drawing). Now, I'm a design tutor, not a fine art tutor. I had to have another emergency meeting with my HoD to discuss how overloaded I'm suddenly getting, and that I had basically NO CLUE what to teach for this class. She has kindly offered to help out with the lesson plan, but it's going to be cutting it close.

On the diabetes front, it's been all over the place. I have had quite a few bad lows mainly due to stress, or doing more exercise (just walking between classes mainly) than expected.

I also had a couple of interesting lows yesterday (Saturday). I went for a 1hr bike ride along the coast, and started off about 16mmol/L, by the half way point, I was sitting at 8 (good), and I mentally told myself that I would need to stop on the way home and drink the juice in my backpack, to save myself from going low. Well, I forgot. I sailed past my intended stop-point. I kept pedalling, but all of a sudden it was like my bike was made of cement. My thighs felt like jelly. The sun was incredibly hot, and I was in a cold sweat. I biked into a shady spot and got off. Sat on a rock, did a test. 3.5 (low) great. I skulled back the juice and decided that I had chosen a very pretty spot to stop. :) The juice was working, but at juice+10 mins I had not risen as fast as I would have liked, especially since I had to bike another 5Km home yet. I scrummaged around for a fruitbar and ate that too, then biked off home. I had to have a nap when I got home. Lucky I set an alarm, because when I woke an hour later I was down to 1.5mmol/L!! Cue: how to eat honey very very quickly.

In IF news, well, I am getting disillusioned. I think I have made a breakthrough in finding that the fertility clinic may have used the wrong CPAC form, or used it incorrectly, to figure out if we are eligible for publicly funded treatment. Trouble is, everyone I've told about it is being very quiet. I don't know where to take the information now. I feel really lost and alone in this fight, and with the effort it takes to keep up with work, keep up with diabetes, the IF stuff is just not getting the time it needs. I try to spend a couple of hours a week writing emails, blogging, or making phone calls, but it's getting just so hard to find the time. And it's especially demoralising when no one responds to emails. :( Wah.

I tried so hard, but my BG just wouldn't behave!

Ok so today was always going to be stressful and unpredictable: it was the first day of semester, welcoming students and the start of orientation week.

I woke up an hour early to make sure I had time to get dressed and looking presentable, make a tasty packed lunch (smoked warehou fish, green grapes, one plain slice of dark rye bread) and get to work in time to get a good spot at the welcome ceremony. (more on this later).

I was put in a foul mood by having a hypo in the night, and finding that I was sky high in the morning. I though I only ate a tiny bit of emergency food. Perhaps I should have just waited it out?

The commute to work usually takes me 7 mins. Today it was an unholy 28 minutes. I swore. A lot. I was late for the welcoming ceremony...

Here in NZ it's called a powhiri, and it's usually a very touching and moving event, one that makes you feel special to be a part of it. It's led by the Maori elders and the people attending split into two sides: those being welcomed (students) and those doing the welcoming (tutors and faculty staff). There is speech-making in both Te Reo and English, and karakia (songs) are sung by both sides. It's all about ensuring the proper spiritual protocols are followed, and when it goes according to plan it's beautiful. The students get welcomed onto the sacred learning space :)

Well. Nothing was technically wrong with the ceremony but four people fainted and had to be taken away by the first-aiders due to the heat! At 8.30am!!

Stress put me even higher, hitting 19mmol/L directly after the ceremony. And I had been clutching a fruitbar in my sweaty palm - just in case I went low!! Lol better to be safe...

I bolused twice during the morning, and only came back below 10 in the mid afternoon. Thankfully I had no classes to teach today, so it was just lesson planning and office work.


We had a special welcome for the art department students, and it was good to see all their bright nervous faces!

I then had to wait around for my teacher training class (in which I'm a student) which started late afternoon and ran right over dinnertime. D'oh! Luckily hubby had cooked me a tasty dinner when I finally got home.

Felt like I had the day of disaster blood sugars licked.

We popped round to see hubby's parents after dinner, cue tea and biscuits :) nom!

I had a shower, and I find showers either make me high or low afterwards, nor sure why, the heat maybe? Well, I scored a 24.9mmol/L

W.T.F!?

Oh. Yeah. That's right, you're supposed to take insulin with your dinner! Dumbass! Oh what a waste of all that work!

So now it's nearly midnite and I'm sitting up, testing every half hour to check I'm in fact coming down, and not going low. I'm exhausted, just want to go to sleep. Thought I would blog and let you know that you're all helping me stay awake and get my BGs back on track. Pat on your back :D

P.S. Please please please let my BGs behave tomorrow for my first class teaching of the year!

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Tough week

I didn't realize how tiring his week had been until hubby pointed it out to me.

Apart from the obvious stress of having a sick husband (kidney stones) who is in intense pain, this week also saw our office in the mad rush that happens the week before semester starts. Oh my. Tonnes of paperwork and course documentation to get ready for the new and returning students. An orientation week to plan. Lesson plans to write. Oh yeah, this was also the first week I was studying on my tertiary teaching diploma - I have homework! Heavens! I haven't had homework to do for nearly a decade! :P

Our institute also hosted many guest speakers on Wednesday for a academic staff training day, which was interesting and intense, but cut into valuable class prep time.

I tried to organize to get a GP appointment with hubby, but it didn't work out.

So yesterday I got busy on the phone and called hubby's GP (who I am strongly considering switching to, since my GP of 28 years has recently decided to turn into an inconsiderate a-hole) and I made an appointment for next week so I can meet the hubby's GP.

My diabetes endocrinologist emailed back saying he had phoned the same FA Hamilton clinic manager who I spoke to. He didn't get an overly positive response, but it's still fantastic to have a doc willing to help out like this. He asked if I'd been to see the local MP yet, so I stopped procrastinating and booked a time to meet with him too.

Next week will be busy too.

Perhaps this explains why I have bought 3 pairs of shoes in 2 weeks! Ha! All completely necessary of course! Lol.


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Don't you just love doctors receptionists?

No. Not really. I don't love them much when they call me at work from a blocked phone number and won't take the hint when I reject the first 3 calls because I'm in a meeting. I don't love it when they keep calling anyway, so I answer just to make it stop!

I don't love it when the doctors receptionist is a newbie who's just read the "office policies and procedures manual" and feels it necessary to tell me, as a type 1 diabetic, that I need to come back and pay for an appointment with my GP because my "circumstances may have changed"

I don't love it when I have to tell this silly ditz 3 times that, no, I've not suddenly been cured, and yes! I still will need the prescription for insulin and test strips and all that other fun stuff we diabetics like to hoard.

I don't love it when I get told that "you've had a good run, it's not our policy to give more than one prescription without seeing the patient" duh. Diabetes ain't goin nowhere! You just want to make $40 off me!

Also, please believe me when I say that this is NOT the way my GP's clinic normally works, well, not for the last 28 years I've been goin to him anyway. I email my doc asking for a script, he or the nurse faxes it thru to pharmacy, I pick it up and pay $3 per item. Easy. But not right, according to miss uppity receptionist lady! Bah!

I told her twice that her request was ridiculous, and that her call was really upsetting me.

I said that unlike many other conditions where the doctor strictly controls the medication, in diabetes the diabetic is making daily choices about their insulin. And besides, my endo is the one who actually advises me on what insulins to use, I just get the paperwork done thru GP as it's much cheaper that way.

But silly receptionist didn't understand. And I gave her an earful. And she relented and said she would talk to my doctor and see if she could just fax my script to the pharmacy like normal. We'll see if that comes to fruition or not over the next couple of days.

Besides, why on earth would I want to see my GP? He obviously doesn't care for me, or else he wouldn't have behaved so appallingly last year when we told him we'd been denied fertility funding.

Speaking of which, I got busy with the whole crusade on Friday, posting our letter to the local MP, and also contacting an advocate at the Health and Disability Commission. The local HDC advocate called back this morning and she sounded really supportive and sympathetic to our case.

Although she said we are not a clear cut case where making a complaint to the HDC was appropriate, she still said she'd be happy to help us in any way she can. She suggested contacting a branch of the fertility clinic in another city, as the original one we got referred to "was known to them" - sounds ominous!

She recommended we ask for a review of our case, and gave me some good words to use.

So that was a little bit of hope to stop a crappy morning from caving in on me. :)


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Oh my Grrrr!

So, in response to my last post which talked about how I was having trouble writing the letter to the MP, I have since sat down and written a pretty good draft. No it's not done yet, but it is a LOT closer.

I've been at work, and not really working, rather, I've been investigating mountains of reports and documents relating to infertility funding in New Zealand.

So far I have found the following interesting documents:

1. National Specialist Guidelines for Investigation of Infertility, Priority Criteria for Access to Public Funding of Infertility Treatment (This is a copy of the dreaded CPAC form)
2. Assisted Reproductive Technology: The Aotearoa/New Zealand Policy Approach (A thesis by Lynne Patricia Batty)
3. Access to Infertility Services: development of priority criteria (A report to the National Health Committee by Wayne Gillett and John Peek)
4. Costs and Effectiveness of Infertility Services in New Zealand: A Decision Analysis (Wayne Gillett, John Peek, Richard Lilford)

I found the CPAC form (1) online last night, as part of research I was doing while writing my letter to the local MP. I couldn't believe it. All this time, and I tripped over it by accident!? Sigh. At least I have a copy now... although this one is dated 2001... remember that when we got scored to see if we were eligible for access, the fertility specialist would not give us a copy of the CPAC form? Yeah, well turns out there might be a sinister reason for that.

Document (2) is a thesis written in 2002, and I've only got a couple of pages into it so far. But it looks interesting so far, perhaps useful...

Documents (3) and (4) were perhaps the most brilliant "finds" after the CPAC form itself.  I knew they were in the local library at the tertiary institute where I work. I just couldn't figure out a way to get them without a) the librarian looking at me over her spectacles with a questioning face, and b) having those two reports forever listed on my library record at my place of employment. I don't feel ready to scare my *new* employer like that just yet!! :P

But I had a plan. A cunning plan, so cunning if you put a tail on it you could call it a weasel!

The work library is currently being renovated, and the students are still on holiday. The door is pretty much blocked off as the builders are busy sawing and nailing etc, but I chatted to one who let me into the dark library. There was only one staff member in there working in a back office, so I went quickly to the shelves to get the books. Then I photocopied them in their entireties. No permanent record. I have complete copies that I can scrawl all over at my leisure. Excamallent. :) Quite pleased with myself.

I wish I could put digital copies up here for you to read (should you need to), but they are super-long and it would take forever to scan them. If you are interested in reading them (i.e., you're in NZ and fighting an infertility treatment funding battle) contact me and we can discuss postage.

Basically, I am hoping that all of the documents and reports I've found will support our case that we believe we have been discriminated against and unfairly denied funding. So far so good, all the documents are working in our favour.

Now, I've been checking the Fertility Associates website about every month, just because they do put new information up there. Would you believe it - they have changed the rules for eligibility for access to public funding! They now state, in black and white on their website, that:

Factors which reduce CPAC score – but funding may be possible:

• Having one child12 or younger living at home
• Having had a vasectomy or tubal ligation.  Where one of the couple has had a vasectomy or tubal ligation, duration of infertility for CPAC scoring starts from when the couple first see a doctor about having a child.

OMG. That was NEVER up there before.  :(  And it is not a part of any of the other documents I've found, which deal with how to decide the rules! (My heart sinks. Hope once again tries to fly away.)

I think that Fertility Associates is being discriminatory; I think they are adding their own rules ON TOP OF THE CPAC FORM.

So, without an actual current CPAC form, with associated documentation to go with it, I can't be sure. I have a gut feeling, but I can't be sure.

And just out of interest, I scored us myself. Remember how the fertility specialist gave us a score of 60? Well, when I did it, I got 68. Which is a pass. Suck on that Fertility Associates!

/sorry, grumpy :(




::UPDATE::


I have just gotten off the phone with two lovely ladies from the hospital who's website published the CPAC form. I asked them: "You know that CPAC form for infertility you have on your website, it's dated 2001, is that the most current version of that form do you know?"

And lo and behold, the nice lady in Elective Services did know. Yes! It's current, Yes! They update them regularly. So that makes me hopeful again. Because it means that the fertility clinic, Fertility Associates, has less of a leg to stand on when they say the duration of infertility is calculated from the date of the first doctor's visit. Because NOWHERE on the CPAC form does it mention that. And NOWHERE in the documents (3) and (4) above does it say anything about it either. Because it's a stupid made-up rule of Fertility Associates, that they are using to weed out couples/people who don't fit the traditional notion of a pretty little infertile family. That's what I reckon anyway.

But yay! Now I know that the CPAC form I have is the current one! Everything just feels a little more stable and hopeful than it did when I read that bit on their website (see above).

Happy New Year!

I spent New Year's with my family, as hubby was working in the mad throng of downtown (sound engineer for the local Irish band). We watched the royal variety show (a bit of a tradition in our house) then said our goodnights and "happy new years". Out the window of my parent's house the valley was filled with fireworks, and it was wonderful to sit back and watch out of the huge windows.

Summer is truly here, and I've spent the last couple of 2010 days biking, fishing, walking, and getting a little sunburnt! Oops! Never fear, industrial strength sunscreen is here - and I need it, what with the  Roaccutane and my playstation-like-tan.

Tomorrow (I mean today, well, in the morning) we go on holiday and I can't wait. Just a week of relaxing by the beach, fishing, swimming, reading, and pretending to know how to play tennis.

Oh, and the food! The last week has been gloriously scrumptious, with THREE Christmas dinners spread over two days, and then a ten year old's birthday lunch, plus several trips to eat out when we can't be bothered cooking/have eaten the cupboard bare, and New Years Day lunch booked in with my Aunt and Uncle tomorrow. Now you see why I've been riding the bike! I think I've mentioned it before, but here we have a long coastal walkway, paved, and mostly flat. It's 7+ Km long, and it's a joy to ride along on a sunny summer's day :D

Throughout all the food and dining, I've been paying reasonably careful attention to my blood sugars. Although, I wasn't at ALL surprised when I spotted a few 20mmol/L's creeping in! Oh well, just deal with them and get on with it. It's definitely the strange, rich food, and different daily routine causing the trouble.

I have been trialling a new iPhone app over the last week, and it seems pretty swish. Diamedic is a pain in the a$s to enter details into, but it does give some nice useful graphs. And, I have to admit, I am much more likely to sit in front of the telly with the iPhone and enter the day's results out of my paper log book, than I am to use a web-based system (been there, Log for Life: Please fix your iPhone app! And stop charging a monthly fee thhhpppppppps *raspberry*!). So, for now anyway, Diamedic is a win. It's not perfect by far, but it has already enabled me to see trends such as how I am sitting too high before lunch and dinner, but doing well with the before breakfast and after lunch results, on the whole. It's a bit finicky but once you get the hang of it, you see how many features it offers. You can get it here.

Oh, and if any Diamedic folk happen to be reading, can you please figure out a way to retain all the features, but make the entry system multi-item friendly? So when I enter my morning bolus, I could also, say, enter the basal, carbs, and whatever else, all at the same time? Ta muchly. :)  /end request.

The year that's just been: I would not want to repeat it, but I am glad I went through it. I "lost" my job, but got a fantastic new one which is much better. I found out we don't qualify for publicly funded IVF treatment here in NZ, but I now have some hope, and another year up my sleeve. Hubby and I celebrated our first wedding anniversary. All my step-kids are now in the double-digits (wow! when I met them, the youngest was only 3!!). I had an operation which may or may not have been strictly necessary, but I'm healthy and happy now.

This new year, I am hoping to achieve a pregnancy. If not that, I want to be on the official wait-list for IVF. Sad, I know, but at the moment, just the chance to get on the wait-list would be wonderful! :S In my professional life, I will be studying for my Diploma in Tertiary Learning and Teaching which is exciting and daunting, as I've not been in formal study for 9 years now. I am also hoping to grow as a tutor and raise the standard of design in my town. Well, someone's got to! The rest of the tutors in the art dept., lovely as they are, are either fine-artists, animators, or last practiced design when the ark was a-floating and dino was a-stompin'. :P I love them, truly! And they love me too because I bring them cake and chocolate. Noms. It's all good. It actually give me a great chance to make my mark on the department. I am starting off with a website (naturally!) and some social media awareness. Only one of my colleagues has a blog, and one of them doesn't even have a FB account! Shock horror! Watch this space... :)

In my blogging, I want to continue sharing my life with the world, because I get so much back from you guys, and I really enjoy being a part of your lives too. It's a cool community online here. Thank you.

There are other goals I'm setting myself, but they are quite mundane in comparison to the ones above.

Anyway, welcome to the New Year!! As I write this it's 1.30am in New Zealand. Time for a nap :)

An early Christmas present

...or My Cat is a Reindeer!

Chomsky the Cat, fond of cornflakes and sparrows.

Well work has finished for me this year, and I've been stuck into late spring-cleaning the house and Christmas shopping. Oh my! Town is hectic! But I have finally finished, just the groceries to go.

And now for something wonderful. Yes, even more wonderful than my cat doing his reindeer impression. My endo did as promised, and wrote a letter:

A letter from my Endo, cc'd to the fertility clinic!

Typed version:

Dear Colleagues [Fertility Clinic, GP, Diabetes Nurse Educator, Patient],


I saw [Kaitake] for her brittle Type I diabetes. Since the last time I saw her she has changed jobs and initially work has been a little more unpredictable. She is trying to get very good control because she is wanting a pregnancy. Today her A1c is 6.6% which is the lowest she has ever had and is actually lower than it needs to be. She is having still unexplainable variation but no blood sugars below 3 which is a vast improvement for her. She is still going quite high after lunch but seems to be doing much better with carbohydrate counting partly because she has got a calculator to calculate the exact dose of insulin.


There is just an incredible story that she has been turned down for IVF - for which the IVF provider acknowledges they would otherwise be the ideal candidates. However, they haven't "waited long enough" - they have had unprotected intercourse for six years but the mandatory waiting rules only start when you have your first medical appointment with IVF provider. We are going to search her diabetes records to see if it was ever written down. There is also a delay because her husband had a vasectomy in his previous relationship. A vasectomy has got to be considered a good thing for society and yet now the couple is being punished for having done that. All of this is just frighteningly unacceptable and ignores the biology, sociology, psychology of IVF. I suggested that she go see her Member of Parliament. The other thing that is illogical and dangerous about this apparently official rule of having to wait longer for IVF treatment is that there will be an increased risk of morbidity and mortality for [Kaitake] and it will increase [the risk of] Down's syndrome in her child. Both of which are just idiotic for society and the patient.


The patient is going to call me if she needs some help reviewing the arguments when she goes to see her member of Parliament and I will call [the Fertility Clinic] myself to see who has written these stupid rules.


Yours sincerely,
[Consultant Endocrinologist]

So that is pretty amazing to have some help, and to know that we're not alone in thinking this whole situation is rather insane.

I am in the process of composing a letter to my Member of Parliament. This is rather a hard thing to do, I'm finding, as I have to explain our situation carefully and fully - yet it is very uncomfortable to have to tell a non-medical person all this stuff. It's rather a curious and embarrassing thing to have to plead with your MP so you can reproduce! But hey, if it works out, it might get us treatment, and save some other couple from going through the wringer. I just hope he can help, I'm just not sure how??

In other good news, I no longer have 2 and a half months unemployment facing me. Yay! I was only on a fixed term teaching contract, and my permanent contract doesn't start until next year (Feb!). My boss wheedled another week out of the HR department, and then the good folks in the staff advisory department have taken me on for 3 weeks as an e-learning consultant and video editor. Cool! I will be the only one in the art department taking only 3 weeks holiday (most of them are taking more like 10 - 12 weeks!!) but I'm fine with that.

What I'm not fine with is the weather. It's only 3 days until Christmas, and the drought we were having has turned into a torrential downpour of the highest order! Seriously, the humidity is sticky and horrid, and everything seems wet. The biscuits (cookies to you folks in the US) are soft, the Christmas gift wrap is damp, my hair has gone mental, and the garden needs weeding - desperately!

Here is a tour of my back garden, taken between rain showers:

What's the worst thing a low has forced you to do?

I am curious, because I had a low today and I was so desperate (2.3mmol/L, 41.1mg/dL) that I stole someone else's orange juice.

OK, so had the person been present, I would have asked. But they weren't, and I took without asking (probably without being able to ask, if I am honest! I could sort of think clearly, but I couldn't talk properly).

It's the last week before the office shuts down for Christmas break, and one of my colleagues brought in this neat toy:

Xbox Kinect. I played soccer, and boxing. TKO!

We have a video lab at the training institute where I work (art dept), so it was hooked up to a large projector in a darkened studio. Very cool. Before I knew it I had spent half an hour punching and kicking and victory-dancing my blood sugar from 16 down to 2.3. That is a very quick drop.

I looked in my bag: no juice boxes, no muesli or fruit bars. Nothing in the secret draw of emergency food either. Dumb. So I toddle down to the communal kitchenette that the whole top floor uses. I knew there was at least white sugar there. So I start making a cup of tea with about 10 teaspoons of sugar in it. Waiting for the jug to boil. Waiting, waiting, can't wait - need sugar NOW!

I look in the fridge - oh, there is juice! Two big 4L bottles, although one of them looks like it has been there since the beginning of time. Orange juice isn't supposed to be green, is it? :P

So I drank the non-green juice. And I am glad I did, and I would do it again if I needed to. It tasted awful. I hate orange juice! After a few minutes the jug had boiled and my brew was so sweet the spoon *almost* stood up by itself in the cup :P haha. Another 10 minutes and my blood sugar had slowly climbed to 3.3mmol/L. Talk about a close call.

Maybe I should write a note and stick it on the bottle, thanking the person and offering them a new bottle of juice.

What's the worst thing you've had to do to get sugar when you've been low/hypo?

A contract, a project, a trip to the dermatologist, and wanting a baby badly!

I received my shiny new contract in the mail today, and it has that magical word on it: permanent. Yay! :)  So I will be teaching graphics and web design for a bit longer :D

The annoying thing is I will have to fill out all the new employee forms again, for payroll and HR, and do the staff induction, again! Could be worse I 'spose! :P

My current students are nearing the end of their courses, and being visual artists they are all freaking out about their end-of-year exhibition. I have spent the week chasing students who are on the brink of burn-out, and coaxing them to get their final projects finished.

I've also taught ALL of the technology teachers from the local high schools. Talk about a disaster waiting to happen: I was given 6 hours to teach 18 teachers (some of whom taught me!) how to use Photoshop and build a website in DreamWeaver, to a level that would mean they could confidently teach their students! What?! Oh, and no extra pay either. But even with that ridiculous expectation, the teachers all seemed pleased with what they had learned. Even if they were noisier than students! haha :P

In my freelance work, I've nearly completed my first web design project for the brand new client I just landed. She runs a boutique print-design agency (where my lil sis works! Yes, a family of designers), and has been on the hunt for a new contract web designer. Woohoo!! :D My new tutoring contract won't start until February, so that means I will have over 2 months unemployed over Christmas. Hopefully this new client will be able to feed me enough work to um, keep me fed!

There are not many photos of me on this blog, mainly because I'm often the one behind the camera, but also because I'm not happy with my skin. I often get breakouts, and being very fair with freckles, having a sore red nose and spots is not ideal! So I took my snout off to the dermatologist, and I am very glad I did. Dr Derm is very nice, and after asking me why I was there, he immediately examined my skin with a magnifying glass and made an immediate diagnosis. Yes, it's adult acne, no it's not too bad, yes he is quite confident he can do something to help me. Hooray! It will be lovely to have clear skin and not have to worry about makeup making it worse!

He prescribed me a course of Roaccutane which seems to be made of vitamin A. The Dr showed me many before and after photos of people with much worse acne than me, and the improvement they got with the treatment - quite amazing. Dr Derm is very confident he can help me, and knew exactly what to do. I will start with a cream-version of the drug, and then swap to pills once they arrive. I take those for about 12 weeks, at which stage he said my skin should be pretty clear, then take another 12 weeks to "set" the result. The effect should be permanent.

I've used the cream for two nights now, and although I was warned to only use it very sparingly as it can cause redness and irritation, I've not experienced that yet. Because it's vitamin A, I have to be very careful now about staying out of the sun, so I've got a good sunscreen (we have the ozone hole right above us here, so I burn like a lobster in about 10 - 15mins), and hubby is muttering that I need a wide brimmed hat for gardening.

The whole experience* was really good, about as good as visiting a doctor can get. You go in with a problem, and he pretty much says "I know exactly what condition you have, and how to cure it!" Amazing! As a diabetic I've gotten used to going to the doctor to "manage" my condition, and as an IFfer I'm starting to realise that I now have another long term relationship with doctors on the horizon, so it's nice to have a doctor say, hey, I can cure that, no worries! :)

*almost:

Well, I left the appointment both happy that I had a solution to try for the acne, and a bit hazy and shaky because of an unfortunate blunder on the part of the dermatologist. To his credit, he was incredibly smiley and friendly, but I quickly learned that he did not understand what he was saying and how it was affecting me. Here's what happened:

Because Roaccutane can cause fetal abnormalities, it's not allowed during pregnancy or while trying to get pregnant. Fair enough, no-one wants that. I made the choice before attending the appointment that if any medication I was offered had an anti-pregnancy warning, I would still take it because I can't sit around and wait for IVF funding to magically appear. I have to get on with my life! But the doctor had to warn me of this risk, and then he had to make sure I wasn't even trying to get pregnant. He's an Indian man, so his English was softly-spoken and a bit hard for me to understand. But he clearly asked me what contraception I was using, and I replied that it wasn't an issue since hubby has a vasectomy.  I have no trouble telling a doctor that. It was what he said next which floored me: "How many children do you have?" I must have looked like I was about to choke, cos he looked worriedly at me, and followed up with something that I think was "and when did you decide to do that?" I spluttered out, that no, I was wife number two, and I had no children. He was so kind about it, but it affected me deeply. I left feeling really upset and had to work hard to push the thought from my mind. I guess most people don't make that mistake when they see me with my step-kids, because I don't look old enough to be their Mum. But out of context like this, it was horrible. He thought he was being nice asking about my family. But I don't have kids. And I am still training myself to say "I have 3 step-kids".

I was so upset I finished up at work early and went to my Mum's house, for a cup of tea and some comfort. We ended up speaking at length about infertility and what I've been through, and what possibilities exist for a future including children (IVF, ICSI, The Cost, fighting the CPAC score we got which denied us public funding, how long we could wait with our varied ages, etc...) . It was really nice to be able to almost speak easily about it, as I spend most all of my waking time thinking about it, and many of my sleeping hours dreaming/nightmaring about it. I feel I need to talk in depth like this with Hubby soon, make some decision on how we can proceed. I realise that I have been feeling a bit alone in this, and it may just be because it IS hard to talk about it. It basically ruins any quite moment we have to ourselves, and any other moment just seems inappropriate. Ah well... I'm reading through Navigating the Land of IF at the moment, and it's really helpful stuff. I wish I'd known about some of it a year ago! I am slowly working my way through my stack of IF and IVF books.

So the journey is not over yet. It's just kind of stalled. I still really want to have kids. Babies are absolutely everywhere. One of my best friends from primary school just had her second baby on Thursday. I see bellies wherever I go. I stop at the traffic lights and stare into space while I wait for the green, and lo! A belly will walk across in front of my car and jolt me back into a mire of emotions: longing, wanting, frustration, grief, sadness, and fear that it may not ever happen. At lunch with the in-laws today, MIL chucks in a remark about a family that have just had their firstborn. Every time we visit she manages to say something about babies. Grr. I try really hard to tell myself that no one means anything by it. But when babies and family-building are so entrenched in the human culture, it's really hard to just switch off from it, because it's everywhere, reminding me that I cannot have a child unless I stump up $12K for some of the most advanced medical technology on the planet.

On the diabetes front, I am having an unusual pattern emerging where I go low just before bed, and often low again during the night, and often also wake up slightly lower than ideal. I am thinking I need to drop my nighttime Lantus (I'm on split dose because I'm so sensitive to it). I'm a bit scared to tamper with the Lantus dose, but I also know that I cannot keep going low all the time, as I develop hypo unawareness quite quickly. I also cannot keep eating all the emergency food all the time, it's not a healthy diet! Bah! I will get this sorted, diabetes always throws down the gauntlet every now and then. I must get a new log book and do some tracking. I know the stress of the work I'm doing has a major impact on my diabetes control (ie it gets worse), but not having a two week snapshot of test results is not helping me right now. This is the longest time since, like, ever that I haven't kept a log book! MUST GET NEW LOGBOOK!

Hope you're having a good weekend, are you going trick or treating? :)

It's only thursday and I am knackered!

I taught 5 classes in 4 days, wrote 5 lesson plans, went to my job interview (Tuesday), wrote 5 quotes for web designs and visited a new client I'm hoping to land, designed 3 web sites, made one logo, got the job (today: yay!), reviewed a student's dissertation, landed that client (yesterday: yay!), went to a staff meeting, finished my exhibition, made a booking at the dermatologist, and did the grocery shopping. I need a nap.

:)

It was a bit funny, I took unofficial time off my current job, which is a short term contract until the end of the year, to attend an interview with my boss, to get a job which is identical to my current job. Talk about a paradox. Anyway, HR will be HR eh? :P

My diabetes artwork - installation complete! Hooray!

Five posters, two ladders, and four lows later, I'm done! Yay! What a day! :D

Here are the posters, see which words you recognise:

DOC: the diabetes online community, a wonderful bunch of bloggers who encourage and support each other :)

SUM: six until me, the first diabetes blog I read, and the one that inspired me to create my own blog.

BASAL: refers to insulin basal rates, a word that diabetes folk will understand, but other people might not necessarily.

SWAG: stupid wild-arsed guess, for when a diabetic takes an unscientific amount of insulin, rather than working it out.

BOLUS: the insulin a diabetic takes with each meal, or to correct a high blood sugar. Another word that non-diabetics may be puzzled by.

By now you are probably scratching your head, wondering why on earth I've made these posters. Well dear friends, I will tell you :) I'm a tertiary tutor at the local college, and I work in the art department teaching typography, design, web, and digital media. It's good fun. Once a year the art tutors get together and put on a little exhibition to show the students and the local community what we've been up to.

At first I didn't know what to make my artwork about, but then I thought what better subject than diabetes? But how to portray it in a way which is both useful to diabetics (ie, improves knowlege and understanding of T1 diabetes) and sympathetic to diabetics (ie, not crass or gross, using obvious imagery like needles, blood, or the horrors that get repeated in the media about diabetes).

This artwork, although not large, is my first foray into making diabetes related art. And so far it's getting a good reception by those who've seen it. The exhibition opens on Tuesday and I can't wait!

It's made of ink on watercolour paper, on cotton printed fabric. Each piece is hung separately from a bamboo pole, perpendicular to the wall:

The first thing the viewer will see when they step into the gallery.

The five posters are hung perpendicular to the wall, to obscure the straight view onto the images.

I love the shadows created by the pieces, and how they become a floating sculpture, rather than just flat pictures on a wall.

Kitch floral prints were chosen for the backing, to tie the pieces into my home.

The viewer will have to come up really close and stick their head in the 40cm gap between each poster to view them properly.  I like that!

The posters depict words created by, specific to, or repurposed by the diabetes community. The underlying themes in this work include diabetes, community, language, and the interplay between secret and public. I chose this visual style to work as a visual pun on the idea of embroidery samplers, sometimes called needlepoint samplers. I've turned my posters into graphic samplers dealing with words related to diabetes, which is synonymous with needles. :)

Here's a short timelapse video of the making-of one of the posters:

And here's some shots from the installation of the work:

Tying tiny knots in fishing nylon line, to hang each poster.

The day was like a aerobic step-class from hell. I went up and down the ladder soooo many times! Ah, we must suffer for out art! :P

Final touches, straightening and checking the pieces before tidying up the room and setting the lighting.

It's been a mad day, with a crazy rush to get everything done and put together. A couple of lows interrupted my day, and I couldn't get above 5.2mmol/L until about 6pm. Oh, they've all caught up with me now though, I'm 17.2! Bah! :P

Roll on Saturday! :D

Sneezes, birthdays, and songs

A couple of days of sneezing signaled the start of a glorious head cold. Bah! So today I am home from work watching music videos on the telly while it gets all rainy and stormy outside.

I've been working some long hours - lesson planning for my teaching job ensures that even on my birthday I had to work to 10.30pm at night. Yup, I'm a virgo alright! hehe Now officially 28!

My birthday was great, with my close family all around. We went to dinner at a yummy little Italian restaurant and ate tiramisu, ganache, and cheesecake for dessert! Nom nom nom :)

The day was tinged with sadness for me, however, as I was reminded that I won't be a Mum anytime soon, or ever. Some days it's worse than others, and most of the time I just try to work hard and ignore the feelings. I think I need a goal or two. Currently we've got nothing to look forward to.

So here are some goals. You can suggest more if you think of them! :)

- secure my job for next year
- go on holiday
- continue to try and get public funding for IVF
- create and exhibit some artwork
- do the garden
- love my hubby more each day

Yeah, so about the job. Because of some silly SNAFU on the part of my employer, my job was never officially advertised, so I got put on a fixed-term contract. Which means that if I want to keep my job next year I will have to go through the process of applying for it all over again. My boss really wants to keep me, and I've been getting good feedback from students and colleagues alike, but there will always be a small chance that I won't get it. There's nothing much I can do except apply and cross my fingers.

I've recently started grading the first assessments for the four graphics, typography, digital media, and web classes I teach. I actually found it very interesting, seeing the students so worried about presenting their work, and then looking so relieved once it was over. Writing the comments on their grading form is a bit like being a psychological detective or something, and I'm finding it fascinating trying to figure out why some students maybe aren't as attentive or focused as they should be, and find how to help them. Assessment time is supposed to be hard work for the tutors, and it does take heaps of time, but because I'm enjoying it so much, it makes me think even more that THIS IS THE JOB FOR ME! :)

One last piece of news, my step-daughter has entered a local talent competition and made it to the finals! We are going to see her perform in the show tomorrow, singing a song she wrote herself - she's 13!!! How awesome is that? She's becoming quite a sophisticated little singer/songwriter, and I'm wishing her the best of luck :)

I may have been quiet, but I haven't fallen off the map completely!

Yep, took a two week break from blogging, from thinking, from doing much at all except throwing myself into my new job - which I love by the way! I just want to let you all know that I'm ok, kind of. :P

Thank you to everyone for your kind thoughts and emails. It's helped more than you can know.

After getting the news that apparently we would not be eligible for publicly-funded IVF treatment we didn't know what to do at first. "Grieve" seemed to be the natural response. Then get bloody angry!

But then I remembered a New Zealand organisation called Fertility NZ. They offer advice, advocacy, education, information, and support for those New Zealanders affected by infertility. I had nowhere else to turn, so I wrote them an email. It's not everyday I spill my most private thoughts and fears to a stranger on the end of an email address, but I seriously felt like I was out of options.

Less than two hours later, a super-lovely woman who shall be called S emailed back asking for more information. I had to wait two days to get a lunch hour long enough, but I called her and we spoke for an hour. It was the best conversation - helped me to realise that I'm not crazy and what has happened to us is not right. Not right at all. (If you want the details, please read here and here.)

S advised us to get together a list of questions to put to the fertility clinic, to try and figure out this whole mess. So I've been doing that. And working a demanding new teaching job, and doing freelance web design work on top of all that. Trust me, my brain is full!

On the diabetes front, things have been interesting. Take a look at the last two weeks numbers:

Breakfast numbers under 10mmol/L. Woohoo!

Check out those breakfast numbers! Two whole weeks and only one result above 10mmol/L. I don't think that has ever happened to me in 22 years of blood testing! :) Woohoo! And why did it occur? Well, I have decided it's because I'm not stressed about my old job anymore. I can't believe that I stayed there, and actually did myself physical damage. Well, now I have proof - stress is bad for you. Duh. (Umm, yes, in case you were wondering, that is a smudge of blood in the top right corner. Eww)

From my desk at my new work, here's a 11.1mmol/L reading, next to my log book, which got all smeared with blood when I failed to notice my finger was bleeding. Oh yeah, and I was teaching a class at the time. So that was interesting: I had to stop and fossick around for a tissue! haha :P My students won't forget that class in a hurry!

I hate these stupid people on the cover.

So that's the rough guide to my last couple of weeks. Better blood sugars, stupid fertility clinic, and working to 10pm most nights to write 4x courses, so I can teach them the following day.

Oh, and I had an appointment with my diabetes nurse educator. You know, the one who always makes me cry. Well, surprisingly, it went very well. She saw my new numbers, my new insulin calculator on my iPhone, my new carb-ratios, and my new carb-counting and proclaimed me to be doing very well. Actual praise. Wow! :)