The second trimester is supposed to herald in a renewed sense of energy and feel-good-ness. Instead, I seem to be getting sheer exhaustion. It has become rare for me to manage to stay awake the entire day.
Today I woke at 9am, had breakfast in bed, got up and showered at 10am, went for a 30min walk around the local park and the block, had lunch of fried noodles with tomatoes and spring onions, then promptly tried to fall asleep in said bowl of noodles. The dull headache warned me that I needed to get my head down soon or suffer the consequences of a restless night with no sleep and a bad head.
So I slept from 2pm to 4pm. This all sounds lovely and relaxing, but it is very frustrating and feels like I am wasting my days. In the morning I am mostly too groggy and foggy to get anything done, and I always feel like I have to spend my energy wisely. One outing a day is about my maximum. If I do too much one day I might feel ok, but will then crash out the next day.
I am not worried at the moment, everyone keeps telling me that I will perk up soon enough and that it's just the baby sapping my energy. However I start work teaching again the week after next and I am not sure how that is going to work. I have already got a note from my GP so I can request a disability carpark right up close to my building at work, as I know the walk (5min) up the steep hill at work will leave me knackered - plus the round ligament pain can hurt after too much walking!
My next midwife appointment is next Monday (6 days time) so I will ask her about it. I am taking my pre-natal vitamins but it could be anemia maybe? Hope not as the pre-natal vitamins are upsetting my digestive system somewhat. With the in mind I have decided one thing I can do is ensure I am eating enough. It occurred to me that I now need to eat like I am growing, like I did when I was a growing teenager! So I am working out healthy foods and snacks to eat at regular intervals throughout the day. If I don't, for instance, eat a yoghurt for morning tea then I will feel faint and go low just before lunchtime. I always need to eat before exercise. More fruits are on the menu and we are getting a reasonable harvest of fresh veges and herbs from the garden. Plus eggs from the chooks!
At the moment my one real mild concern is when/how we will get the Tiny Fish's nursery started. I am itching to get in there are start planning the room. It has no storage so I will have to find some second-had pieces and repaint them.
Showing posts with label garden. Show all posts
Showing posts with label garden. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Sunday, November 3, 2013
13dp3dt Well, it feels real...
..but will it stick around? Will I get a good beta on Tuesday?
I am pretty calm, and it's sinking in more. I am currently pregnant and I have to keep telling it to myself cos I just don't believe it. I have been to look at the pee-stick several times today. Just to check I didn't imagine that line. Or the phone call from the nurse. I am hoping they will send the results out to me on paper, so I have something tangible to fret over.
Things I have discovered today:
I am pretty calm, and it's sinking in more. I am currently pregnant and I have to keep telling it to myself cos I just don't believe it. I have been to look at the pee-stick several times today. Just to check I didn't imagine that line. Or the phone call from the nurse. I am hoping they will send the results out to me on paper, so I have something tangible to fret over.
Things I have discovered today:
- People are treating me differently already. Which bugs me. Why are you all getting worried about me now, but not the day before first beta? eh? I am the same person!
- People who don't have a clue I'm pregnant treat me the same as always. Which also bugs me. Where is my special treatment already!? Can't win over here. lol
- It should not be possible to forget that something is going on down there. Most of the time, it is painful and crampy (not severe cramping). Plus there are the twinges. I guess that's what you'd call them? Sharper, achier pains that occur all over the place. Anywhere from my hip joints right up to my clavicles. Ribs. And of course the abdomen. Sometimes I can feel a twinge going right um, up me. Sometimes it goes around my uterus. I think. Without an MRI to hand, I am just guessing at anatomy here. Oh and also the firm-en-ing-up of my tummy, and the general inability to button my jeans.
- I gave in the moment we got the nurse's phone call. By that, I mean, I have allowed myself to dream of this child. I have been collecting names. Hubby and I even had the briefest of brief chat about names. I have been watching videos about what happens at 3 and 4 weeks pregnant, and I have downloaded a couple of pregnancy tracking apps. By the power vested in the Interwebs, I am able to determine that my Estimated Due Date should be 11 July 2014. None of these things are what I would consider "safe". I mean, throughout the whole time I have been waiting for this (can't use "trying" as we've technically never "tried" to get pregnant in the traditional sense lol) I have been moderating my thoughts severely. To keep my mind from exploding and my self from collapsing in a crumple of tears, I made a bargain with myself: I could think of certain things (names, due dates, pregnancy details, maternity clothes, nursery decorating ideas) only once I reached certain goals (accepted for treatment, started treatment, positive beta) to protect my mind. My reasoning being that if I didn't think up good, wishful, dreams then I wouldn't be hurt as badly should things go south.
- And now I have gone there. The gates are open and I cannot reign in my insatiable curiosity and dreaming. It is lovely to be able to feel I can now safely think about this sort of wonderful stuff...
- ...But, then I realise that I could lose it all on Tuesday, making the fall so much harder. I hope beyond everything that this, my first pregnancy, sticks, stays, grows, and is healthy. I have never wanted anything so much in my entire existence.
- The centre of my universe has changed. I'm not sure where it was before, but it's now growing in me (I hope).
- My brain can think of little else. Until I do something (gardening, cooking) and forget entirely.
- Speaking of gardening: I did lots. I know, I know - I'm not supposed to exert myself. Or get too hot. And I know. It's bad for the embryo. But it has been the most beautiful spring weekend and I have been so at peace. I was, I think, not able to garden all winter until this IVF was done. Now that I feel positive again (it's been a while since I've felt so energized) the garden is crying out for attention. I drank lots of water, made sure not to over do things, and only went out in the sun for short spells. Oh, and there is another reason why I feel positive about it. Part of the stories the women in my family share include that of doing some crazy, manual labour such as cleaning the stove, washing all the windows, or weeding the garden. So I take the desire to garden as a good omen.
- You may have noticed the word energized in the last bullet point. Imagine having all this energy and happiness one moment, and then the most crippling fatigue so you have to lie down or risk feeling faint the next. Well, that has been my day. I get especially tired towards the end of the day.
- I decided to get tougher on my blood sugars. I really really tried to get in touch with my Diabetes Nurse Educator last week, but we are playing a mammoth game of phone tag at present. Too timid to adjust the basal rates (especially while still on those progesterone pessaries ewww), I spent most of Saturday thinking what I could do instead. First up, I tried doing more correction boluses when ever I went over 12mmol. I also started ignoring the pumps suggestions of "0 units" when I had IOB, and instead gave small conservative boluses. This worked ok, so I then thought up a more permanent method - Oh hey! I will just adjust my insulin sensitivity factor a bit! I went from 1u:4mmol up to 1u:3mmol. This has proved to be too strong especially in conjunction with gardening, so I've just put it back down to 1u:3.7mmol. Let's see how that goes.
- Tomorrow is my first day of work where I will be pregnant. I have a rather unpleasant bunch of students to teach, and I hope, for my sake, that they behave themselves. I will not hesitate to "pop down to the office to get something" if I feel they are upsetting me or getting my heart rate up at all!
- I can count things in pregnancy-numbers now: 4 weeks 3 days pregnant.
So, that is all. Sorry about the rather random haphazard post today. It's nearly 11pm and I am beat. Also, just gone low. Also, getting a twinge right now!
Sing it with me: I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope Tuesday's beta is a good positive number; strong doubling is what I am hoping for.
Thank you for the flood of support you have offered me. It is truly humbling to know that so many people across the world are supportive. Thank you! :D
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Beautiful Saturday
There is nothing quite like the first day of a mid-semester break. Ahhhh the days of freedom stretch out before me :)
Today was magical in its simplicity and I was able to forget work completely.
It started with breakfast in bed, then a nice hot shower filled by drying my hair in the sun as I watched the chickens romping around the back garden.
The morning was spent weeding the rose-bed and maybe getting a bit sun burnt. My Hubby and his youngest son started making a rabbit hutch out of a packing crate, so I made everyone tuna noodles for lunch. Again, in the sunshine.
After lunch we did some grocery shopping, I got a repeat of all my diabetic supplies, and we also visited the pet shop as the cat would not be pleased should we run out of cat-noms!
As we drove into the car wash, I realized that I had forgotten to bolus for lunch. Too much sunshine-brain. A small correction bolus later and we were off to collect the cutest rabbit, and perhaps the only one with a "holiday hutch" where he will reside with us whenever the kids do too. Our back garden looks like a petting zoo!
I cooked a delicious strut fry dinner for 6 then my MIL shared not one but 2 desserts with us. Wild berry pie and an apricot/creamed rice/meringue pie. Oh, and I tore the house apart looking for a lost clarinet.
It took me 2.5 hrs of going through boxes to find it, but when I did step-daughter played her sax, hubby played guitar and we all played together (roughly) for the evening. Very much funski :D
Let it be noted that I am exhausted and slightly redder than I should be!
Today was magical in its simplicity and I was able to forget work completely.
It started with breakfast in bed, then a nice hot shower filled by drying my hair in the sun as I watched the chickens romping around the back garden.
The morning was spent weeding the rose-bed and maybe getting a bit sun burnt. My Hubby and his youngest son started making a rabbit hutch out of a packing crate, so I made everyone tuna noodles for lunch. Again, in the sunshine.
After lunch we did some grocery shopping, I got a repeat of all my diabetic supplies, and we also visited the pet shop as the cat would not be pleased should we run out of cat-noms!
As we drove into the car wash, I realized that I had forgotten to bolus for lunch. Too much sunshine-brain. A small correction bolus later and we were off to collect the cutest rabbit, and perhaps the only one with a "holiday hutch" where he will reside with us whenever the kids do too. Our back garden looks like a petting zoo!
I cooked a delicious strut fry dinner for 6 then my MIL shared not one but 2 desserts with us. Wild berry pie and an apricot/creamed rice/meringue pie. Oh, and I tore the house apart looking for a lost clarinet.
It took me 2.5 hrs of going through boxes to find it, but when I did step-daughter played her sax, hubby played guitar and we all played together (roughly) for the evening. Very much funski :D
Let it be noted that I am exhausted and slightly redder than I should be!
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
An early Christmas present
...or My Cat is a Reindeer!
Well work has finished for me this year, and I've been stuck into late spring-cleaning the house and Christmas shopping. Oh my! Town is hectic! But I have finally finished, just the groceries to go.
And now for something wonderful. Yes, even more wonderful than my cat doing his reindeer impression. My endo did as promised, and wrote a letter:
Typed version:
Dear Colleagues [Fertility Clinic, GP, Diabetes Nurse Educator, Patient],
I saw [Kaitake] for her brittle Type I diabetes. Since the last time I saw her she has changed jobs and initially work has been a little more unpredictable. She is trying to get very good control because she is wanting a pregnancy. Today her A1c is 6.6% which is the lowest she has ever had and is actually lower than it needs to be. She is having still unexplainable variation but no blood sugars below 3 which is a vast improvement for her. She is still going quite high after lunch but seems to be doing much better with carbohydrate counting partly because she has got a calculator to calculate the exact dose of insulin.
There is just an incredible story that she has been turned down for IVF - for which the IVF provider acknowledges they would otherwise be the ideal candidates. However, they haven't "waited long enough" - they have had unprotected intercourse for six years but the mandatory waiting rules only start when you have your first medical appointment with IVF provider. We are going to search her diabetes records to see if it was ever written down. There is also a delay because her husband had a vasectomy in his previous relationship. A vasectomy has got to be considered a good thing for society and yet now the couple is being punished for having done that. All of this is just frighteningly unacceptable and ignores the biology, sociology, psychology of IVF. I suggested that she go see her Member of Parliament. The other thing that is illogical and dangerous about this apparently official rule of having to wait longer for IVF treatment is that there will be an increased risk of morbidity and mortality for [Kaitake] and it will increase [the risk of] Down's syndrome in her child. Both of which are just idiotic for society and the patient.
The patient is going to call me if she needs some help reviewing the arguments when she goes to see her member of Parliament and I will call [the Fertility Clinic] myself to see who has written these stupid rules.
Yours sincerely,
[Consultant Endocrinologist]
So that is pretty amazing to have some help, and to know that we're not alone in thinking this whole situation is rather insane.
I am in the process of composing a letter to my Member of Parliament. This is rather a hard thing to do, I'm finding, as I have to explain our situation carefully and fully - yet it is very uncomfortable to have to tell a non-medical person all this stuff. It's rather a curious and embarrassing thing to have to plead with your MP so you can reproduce! But hey, if it works out, it might get us treatment, and save some other couple from going through the wringer. I just hope he can help, I'm just not sure how??
In other good news, I no longer have 2 and a half months unemployment facing me. Yay! I was only on a fixed term teaching contract, and my permanent contract doesn't start until next year (Feb!). My boss wheedled another week out of the HR department, and then the good folks in the staff advisory department have taken me on for 3 weeks as an e-learning consultant and video editor. Cool! I will be the only one in the art department taking only 3 weeks holiday (most of them are taking more like 10 - 12 weeks!!) but I'm fine with that.
What I'm not fine with is the weather. It's only 3 days until Christmas, and the drought we were having has turned into a torrential downpour of the highest order! Seriously, the humidity is sticky and horrid, and everything seems wet. The biscuits (cookies to you folks in the US) are soft, the Christmas gift wrap is damp, my hair has gone mental, and the garden needs weeding - desperately!
Here is a tour of my back garden, taken between rain showers:
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| Chomsky the Cat, fond of cornflakes and sparrows. |
And now for something wonderful. Yes, even more wonderful than my cat doing his reindeer impression. My endo did as promised, and wrote a letter:
 |
| A letter from my Endo, cc'd to the fertility clinic! |
Dear Colleagues [Fertility Clinic, GP, Diabetes Nurse Educator, Patient],
I saw [Kaitake] for her brittle Type I diabetes. Since the last time I saw her she has changed jobs and initially work has been a little more unpredictable. She is trying to get very good control because she is wanting a pregnancy. Today her A1c is 6.6% which is the lowest she has ever had and is actually lower than it needs to be. She is having still unexplainable variation but no blood sugars below 3 which is a vast improvement for her. She is still going quite high after lunch but seems to be doing much better with carbohydrate counting partly because she has got a calculator to calculate the exact dose of insulin.
There is just an incredible story that she has been turned down for IVF - for which the IVF provider acknowledges they would otherwise be the ideal candidates. However, they haven't "waited long enough" - they have had unprotected intercourse for six years but the mandatory waiting rules only start when you have your first medical appointment with IVF provider. We are going to search her diabetes records to see if it was ever written down. There is also a delay because her husband had a vasectomy in his previous relationship. A vasectomy has got to be considered a good thing for society and yet now the couple is being punished for having done that. All of this is just frighteningly unacceptable and ignores the biology, sociology, psychology of IVF. I suggested that she go see her Member of Parliament. The other thing that is illogical and dangerous about this apparently official rule of having to wait longer for IVF treatment is that there will be an increased risk of morbidity and mortality for [Kaitake] and it will increase [the risk of] Down's syndrome in her child. Both of which are just idiotic for society and the patient.
The patient is going to call me if she needs some help reviewing the arguments when she goes to see her member of Parliament and I will call [the Fertility Clinic] myself to see who has written these stupid rules.
Yours sincerely,
[Consultant Endocrinologist]
So that is pretty amazing to have some help, and to know that we're not alone in thinking this whole situation is rather insane.
I am in the process of composing a letter to my Member of Parliament. This is rather a hard thing to do, I'm finding, as I have to explain our situation carefully and fully - yet it is very uncomfortable to have to tell a non-medical person all this stuff. It's rather a curious and embarrassing thing to have to plead with your MP so you can reproduce! But hey, if it works out, it might get us treatment, and save some other couple from going through the wringer. I just hope he can help, I'm just not sure how??
In other good news, I no longer have 2 and a half months unemployment facing me. Yay! I was only on a fixed term teaching contract, and my permanent contract doesn't start until next year (Feb!). My boss wheedled another week out of the HR department, and then the good folks in the staff advisory department have taken me on for 3 weeks as an e-learning consultant and video editor. Cool! I will be the only one in the art department taking only 3 weeks holiday (most of them are taking more like 10 - 12 weeks!!) but I'm fine with that.
What I'm not fine with is the weather. It's only 3 days until Christmas, and the drought we were having has turned into a torrential downpour of the highest order! Seriously, the humidity is sticky and horrid, and everything seems wet. The biscuits (cookies to you folks in the US) are soft, the Christmas gift wrap is damp, my hair has gone mental, and the garden needs weeding - desperately!
Here is a tour of my back garden, taken between rain showers:
Thursday, December 9, 2010
I'm so happy I just did the washing!
Not happy about the washing, silly! Happy enough to DO the washing :)
I've just come back from my appointment with my endocrinologist, and the news is all good. My HbA1c is 6.6%, he couldn't believe it. Wanted to know what I was doing different? (Not much, just using the iPhone insulin calculator app, oh, and got a new, less stressful job). Anyway, because I still do get quite a few lows at night, and especially when I wake up, he recommended "backing off a bit". Which I think is a good idea. I will try dropping my evening dose of Lantus by 1 unit for a week, to see if that helps. I tried it for 2 days last week, but stopped because I got a couple of morning highs that I wasn't impressed with. If at first you don't succeed...
I have added this new result to TuAnalyze, even though they don't yet have a map for NZ:
Now for the bestest bit. Turns out that my endo has worked in the field of fertility before, so when he started asking how the IVF was going, and I told him how we had been denied funding based on a couple of irrational factors, he responded that it was an "irrational for of punishment" being dished out to us. Finally. Someone seems to get it. I can honestly say that I was not expecting him to say that, or to go further and offer to help us with the paper work and the fight for public funding, but he has. And I'm overjoyed. :D I just couldn't believe it!!
At last some truly positive news. It feels like there is once again light at the end of the tunnel, where I had been coping in a grey-darkness for so many months.
We had a good discussion about how in New Zealand, where everyone is "equal" the cost of a particular health treatment should not matter. And if it does, then the patient should be means-tested for government funding. He noted that we are being unfairly denied public funding due to factors that we have no control over, such as a vasectomy in a previous marriage, kids from a previous marriage - neither of which we as a couple could affect. We also talked about how waiting will actually increase our chances of having a baby with Down's syndrome, or have me as a diabetic mother die during the process. Duh. "From a medical standpoint, waiting makes no sense whatsoever, it only serves as a cruel punishment to you." I agree. And it is good to know there may be some medical justification in not-waiting which could help advance our case.
Oh, he also recommended Hubby and I go make an appointment to see our local Member of Parliament, to let him know how the health system is failing us. Might just do that....
In other news, the semester has finished, and I gave my whole office Whittaker's Sante chocolate bars, and little cards. They have been in a chocolate stupor ever since!
I now have about 2.5 months of unemployment before my permanent contract with the local college/training institute kicks in. I shall spend the time:
I've just come back from my appointment with my endocrinologist, and the news is all good. My HbA1c is 6.6%, he couldn't believe it. Wanted to know what I was doing different? (Not much, just using the iPhone insulin calculator app, oh, and got a new, less stressful job). Anyway, because I still do get quite a few lows at night, and especially when I wake up, he recommended "backing off a bit". Which I think is a good idea. I will try dropping my evening dose of Lantus by 1 unit for a week, to see if that helps. I tried it for 2 days last week, but stopped because I got a couple of morning highs that I wasn't impressed with. If at first you don't succeed...
I have added this new result to TuAnalyze, even though they don't yet have a map for NZ:
 |
| How my HbA1c is tracking. Not too shabby! :) |
Now for the bestest bit. Turns out that my endo has worked in the field of fertility before, so when he started asking how the IVF was going, and I told him how we had been denied funding based on a couple of irrational factors, he responded that it was an "irrational for of punishment" being dished out to us. Finally. Someone seems to get it. I can honestly say that I was not expecting him to say that, or to go further and offer to help us with the paper work and the fight for public funding, but he has. And I'm overjoyed. :D I just couldn't believe it!!
At last some truly positive news. It feels like there is once again light at the end of the tunnel, where I had been coping in a grey-darkness for so many months.
We had a good discussion about how in New Zealand, where everyone is "equal" the cost of a particular health treatment should not matter. And if it does, then the patient should be means-tested for government funding. He noted that we are being unfairly denied public funding due to factors that we have no control over, such as a vasectomy in a previous marriage, kids from a previous marriage - neither of which we as a couple could affect. We also talked about how waiting will actually increase our chances of having a baby with Down's syndrome, or have me as a diabetic mother die during the process. Duh. "From a medical standpoint, waiting makes no sense whatsoever, it only serves as a cruel punishment to you." I agree. And it is good to know there may be some medical justification in not-waiting which could help advance our case.
Oh, he also recommended Hubby and I go make an appointment to see our local Member of Parliament, to let him know how the health system is failing us. Might just do that....
In other news, the semester has finished, and I gave my whole office Whittaker's Sante chocolate bars, and little cards. They have been in a chocolate stupor ever since!
 |
| Om nom nom nom! |
I now have about 2.5 months of unemployment before my permanent contract with the local college/training institute kicks in. I shall spend the time:
- gardening (ate my first homegrown boysenberry yesterday - summer is here with a vengance (drought)
- building a website for our art department at work (my dept!)
- hunting down freelance jobs (more websites)
- hosting the whole fam-damily for Christmas lunch
- buying pressies
- watching my Hubby fish of the rocks, which I lie by the seaside up the coast with a book - our secret hideaway!
- eating fresh Kahawhai, or Snapper, or whatever is caught.
What are your Christmas Summer/Winter plans?
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Watching TV gets interesting
One of the banks has just started a new advertising campaign. It uses a really poignant song, and it just gets me every time it plays:
I couldn't save the video off their website, so to hear the song you'll have to watch it here: http://www.asb.co.nz/CreatingFutures/ivf/
I have to say, I had already been thinking about how we could maybe look at affording IVF privately. So far, I've not come up with many bright ideas, however, I've not been feeling too bad since I've been soooo busy at work - end of year and I've been snowed under with marking and stuff. I guess everything just got too hard for me when we got told we couldn't get public funding. I wouldn't say that my dream has died, far from it, but I've found a way (don't ask me how!) to cope and push the thoughts from my mind for a good chunk of my day.
Thoughts like,
Ha! Who am I kidding! Those thoughts are still there, just perhaps not resting on the surface like a few months back :P
The sucky thing is there is ZERO information on their website about what they are actually offering - I'm assuming it's a personal loan. Something I want to avoid, since if I did get pregnant on the first pop (ok, yes, I am assuming a lot.... just let me think myself into a knot for a moment please :P ) I would be definitely taking time off work, so would not be able to "administer" a loan of that scale. I'm very nearly debt free from uni, so I don't particularly relish the thought of plunging back into the red. Yeah, so the nice marketing folks at the bank have no idea, as they want, no, demand their potential customers to come in to discuss IVF in the bank (like, no freaking way!!) or phone them (a stranger on the phone, you've got to be kidding), or even, yup, you guessed it - facebook. What? And let all my IRL folks know the haps? Nup, no sale, happy yellow bank.
In happier news, Christmas is coming!! :D
We are hosting Christmas lunch at our place, and as it will be high-summer here in NZ, a classic backyard bbq is in order. Plus, we will have healthy selection of gluten free dishes and (weather permitting) fresh garden peas, new potatoes and tomatoes! Oh I hope the sky stays sunny!
I want to revamp the back garden. I've already planted a new rose garden with beautiful old roses such as:
And we are thinking, maybe, of getting chickens. What do you think? Any of you have experience keeping pet chickens? Do you think it's a good idea? Fresh hen eggs....mmmm :)
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| Sorry, you can't click it! |
I couldn't save the video off their website, so to hear the song you'll have to watch it here: http://www.asb.co.nz/CreatingFutures/ivf/
I have to say, I had already been thinking about how we could maybe look at affording IVF privately. So far, I've not come up with many bright ideas, however, I've not been feeling too bad since I've been soooo busy at work - end of year and I've been snowed under with marking and stuff. I guess everything just got too hard for me when we got told we couldn't get public funding. I wouldn't say that my dream has died, far from it, but I've found a way (don't ask me how!) to cope and push the thoughts from my mind for a good chunk of my day.
Thoughts like,
- Will I ever be a Grandma?
- Who will I pass all my stuffed toys to?
- Will I ever make my sister into an Aunty (she'd make the BEST aunty!)
- Will I get to see if our kid/s have dark hair?
- How will I fill up my years if I don't start a family?
- What will be the meaning of my life if I can't have kids with the man I love?
- How will I cope long term, once the "clock starts ticking"?
- How long can we wait, since Hubby is not a spring chicken?
- Will I ever get to decorate a nursery and buy oh-too-cute baby clothes?
- Will I get to experience all the nervousness and fear that comes with pregnancy?
- I already know that I will be a good Mum, and that Hubby is a good Dad, but will we get to have kids together?
- Will I ever get to agonise over choosing a kindergarten/primary school/high school/university??
- How will I choose a name for my baby?
- Am I being stupid wanting something when the world seems to be telling me NO NO NOOO again and again?
- Am I willing to go into debt to have only one chance at this? etc etc ....sigh :S
Ha! Who am I kidding! Those thoughts are still there, just perhaps not resting on the surface like a few months back :P
The sucky thing is there is ZERO information on their website about what they are actually offering - I'm assuming it's a personal loan. Something I want to avoid, since if I did get pregnant on the first pop (ok, yes, I am assuming a lot.... just let me think myself into a knot for a moment please :P ) I would be definitely taking time off work, so would not be able to "administer" a loan of that scale. I'm very nearly debt free from uni, so I don't particularly relish the thought of plunging back into the red. Yeah, so the nice marketing folks at the bank have no idea, as they want, no, demand their potential customers to come in to discuss IVF in the bank (like, no freaking way!!) or phone them (a stranger on the phone, you've got to be kidding), or even, yup, you guessed it - facebook. What? And let all my IRL folks know the haps? Nup, no sale, happy yellow bank.
In happier news, Christmas is coming!! :D
We are hosting Christmas lunch at our place, and as it will be high-summer here in NZ, a classic backyard bbq is in order. Plus, we will have healthy selection of gluten free dishes and (weather permitting) fresh garden peas, new potatoes and tomatoes! Oh I hope the sky stays sunny!
I want to revamp the back garden. I've already planted a new rose garden with beautiful old roses such as:
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| Albertine |
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| Avalanche |
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| Blackberry Nip |
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| Dublin Bay |
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| Falstaff |
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| Heritage |
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| Jubilee Celebration |
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| Othello |
Thursday, October 7, 2010
If all goes according to plan...
...I will be installing my artwork tomorrow. I PROMISE to post up some photos soon!
I've made five posters, all hand drawn. I haven't done so much "manual" graphic design work for about 6 years, so now when I look at the plain white sheet of paper I see spots! haha. Eyes are getting pretty tired. That mild headache I mentioned yesterday is still here, and I think it's just a combination of eye strain and naughty hayfever medication being a monkey.
Hubby and I have just been for a lovely walk along the seaside walkway here in town. He made a wonderful steak dinner, and then we did the dishes together :) Awwwww :)
Finishing off my drawings this week has been hard, not only because I started to get a little impatient (I'm used to working in Adobe Illustrator software, so goin' old skool with pen and paper seems to take forever!), but because our kitchen table looks straight into the neighbour's backyard. And they have two little girls, toddlers, and all morning when I'm trying to work I hear them laughing or crying or eating dirt or chasing their kitten or whatever, and it it just so hard to work while that constant reminder is there. No. You can't have kids unless you either a) wait for 3 years or b) stump up the cash for private IVF. Bah.
I can't seem to find a "healthy" focus in my life right now. Every second thought is about either how we could have a baby, or what I will do if we can't. Actually, I also think about how I should stop from going MAD because of how I'm thinking! Seriously, it's getting me mighty depressed, made worse by the fact that I don't really fell comfortable talking about it with anyone. No one wants to hear me talk about this. It's not happy conversation. And a talk won't fix it so why bother? I have thought on a couple of occasions that perhaps I should consult a counsellor. And then I go and buy a lotto ticket instead, as I see that as being slightly more practical.
Yesterday I saw 3 baby-bump-bellies, 2 strollers, and had to work through the neighbours having what was practically an at-home creche for 3 - 4 babies. I just can't think of anything else. It is driving me insane. I can't be happy. Even out on our lovely walk, it was all going well when we met eldest step-son with a goodly-chunk of his family out also for a walk. Nice to see them, yes. Did it remind me that hubby already has kids, and that I am the only "parent" of his kids (they have four: mum, step-dad, dad, step-mum) who isn't actually a bona-fide parent?
In other, slightly related news/ramblings, I got the quote back for doing over the back garden. It's way too expensive, about double what I was willing to part with. So maybe we will look at doing it ourselves. But honestly, the first thought when I opened the quote was "ok, so I can't have that either, I can't have any of my dreams!" I know, a bit melo-dramantic, sorry! But I have my good days and my bad days. Days where I see a bazillion kid-related things are tough. I just want to shout at them "stop bloody torturing me!" Other days it's almost like I'm normal, pre-infertility label.
Yeah, so I began thinking, if I can look at spending money on landscaping, why not put some serious effort into saving up for IVF myself? I just reapplied for my teaching job, for next year, and I'm pretty sure I will get it. And it pays not too bad, so I will start saving like mad and living like a pauper. hehe, we'll see. Really, 11K would stretch us. We would have enough for treatment, but no money to feed/clothe a baby afterwards! :P
I have not heard back from nzfertility.org (could be because their site is down, perhaps?). A while back I wrote a letter which they said they would pass on to the clinic that treated us badly. Maybe after writing this post I will email them and see what's happening. Last time I spoke to the nice ladies there, they seemed to understand, and be sympathetic to our case.
I just feel like I now have no purpose in life. Hubby is much older, I love him, but I need to know that when I'm old, I have kids of my own to look after me. I really don't want to be alone in this world. And I don't want to miss out on being a mum, being a grand-mother, seeing my kids take their first steps, or burp all over me, or skin their knees and need a hug. From their mum: ME! I hate to think that my life is diverging from it's intended path, from my dreams, from what I always thought it would be. I know some people actively choose not to have kids. That's fine. But I have made the discovery that I do want kids badly, so not being able to fulfill that is really hard to deal with. Way harder than anything I've ever faced before, as I have to face it every day. Babies are everywhere in the media, and in town, and the step-kids come every second weekend so I can't even escape to my own home. :(
Sorry to be such a downer, but I'm stuck. I feel I have no direction in my life, and the little goals I'm setting myself just aren't cutting it. Once upon a time something like an exhibition would have ruled my life for months, I would have poured my heart and soul into it. Now, I just feel I have nothing to give. I feel empty because I'm just drifting. Don't get me wrong, my life is very comfortable. There is just no aim to what I do. And that scares me. I don't want to waste life, because I've fought so hard to be healthy and happy up til now.
Anyway, pictures for you tomorrow, I promise. :)
I've made five posters, all hand drawn. I haven't done so much "manual" graphic design work for about 6 years, so now when I look at the plain white sheet of paper I see spots! haha. Eyes are getting pretty tired. That mild headache I mentioned yesterday is still here, and I think it's just a combination of eye strain and naughty hayfever medication being a monkey.
Hubby and I have just been for a lovely walk along the seaside walkway here in town. He made a wonderful steak dinner, and then we did the dishes together :) Awwwww :)
Finishing off my drawings this week has been hard, not only because I started to get a little impatient (I'm used to working in Adobe Illustrator software, so goin' old skool with pen and paper seems to take forever!), but because our kitchen table looks straight into the neighbour's backyard. And they have two little girls, toddlers, and all morning when I'm trying to work I hear them laughing or crying or eating dirt or chasing their kitten or whatever, and it it just so hard to work while that constant reminder is there. No. You can't have kids unless you either a) wait for 3 years or b) stump up the cash for private IVF. Bah.
I can't seem to find a "healthy" focus in my life right now. Every second thought is about either how we could have a baby, or what I will do if we can't. Actually, I also think about how I should stop from going MAD because of how I'm thinking! Seriously, it's getting me mighty depressed, made worse by the fact that I don't really fell comfortable talking about it with anyone. No one wants to hear me talk about this. It's not happy conversation. And a talk won't fix it so why bother? I have thought on a couple of occasions that perhaps I should consult a counsellor. And then I go and buy a lotto ticket instead, as I see that as being slightly more practical.
Yesterday I saw 3 baby-bump-bellies, 2 strollers, and had to work through the neighbours having what was practically an at-home creche for 3 - 4 babies. I just can't think of anything else. It is driving me insane. I can't be happy. Even out on our lovely walk, it was all going well when we met eldest step-son with a goodly-chunk of his family out also for a walk. Nice to see them, yes. Did it remind me that hubby already has kids, and that I am the only "parent" of his kids (they have four: mum, step-dad, dad, step-mum) who isn't actually a bona-fide parent?
In other, slightly related news/ramblings, I got the quote back for doing over the back garden. It's way too expensive, about double what I was willing to part with. So maybe we will look at doing it ourselves. But honestly, the first thought when I opened the quote was "ok, so I can't have that either, I can't have any of my dreams!" I know, a bit melo-dramantic, sorry! But I have my good days and my bad days. Days where I see a bazillion kid-related things are tough. I just want to shout at them "stop bloody torturing me!" Other days it's almost like I'm normal, pre-infertility label.
Yeah, so I began thinking, if I can look at spending money on landscaping, why not put some serious effort into saving up for IVF myself? I just reapplied for my teaching job, for next year, and I'm pretty sure I will get it. And it pays not too bad, so I will start saving like mad and living like a pauper. hehe, we'll see. Really, 11K would stretch us. We would have enough for treatment, but no money to feed/clothe a baby afterwards! :P
I have not heard back from nzfertility.org (could be because their site is down, perhaps?). A while back I wrote a letter which they said they would pass on to the clinic that treated us badly. Maybe after writing this post I will email them and see what's happening. Last time I spoke to the nice ladies there, they seemed to understand, and be sympathetic to our case.
I just feel like I now have no purpose in life. Hubby is much older, I love him, but I need to know that when I'm old, I have kids of my own to look after me. I really don't want to be alone in this world. And I don't want to miss out on being a mum, being a grand-mother, seeing my kids take their first steps, or burp all over me, or skin their knees and need a hug. From their mum: ME! I hate to think that my life is diverging from it's intended path, from my dreams, from what I always thought it would be. I know some people actively choose not to have kids. That's fine. But I have made the discovery that I do want kids badly, so not being able to fulfill that is really hard to deal with. Way harder than anything I've ever faced before, as I have to face it every day. Babies are everywhere in the media, and in town, and the step-kids come every second weekend so I can't even escape to my own home. :(
Sorry to be such a downer, but I'm stuck. I feel I have no direction in my life, and the little goals I'm setting myself just aren't cutting it. Once upon a time something like an exhibition would have ruled my life for months, I would have poured my heart and soul into it. Now, I just feel I have nothing to give. I feel empty because I'm just drifting. Don't get me wrong, my life is very comfortable. There is just no aim to what I do. And that scares me. I don't want to waste life, because I've fought so hard to be healthy and happy up til now.
Anyway, pictures for you tomorrow, I promise. :)
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Dreaming of a patio, would you believe
Well, I decided I had to have something to take my mind of things. So a great garden adventure it is! I've been measuring the back garden, driving out to paving/cobblestone wholesalers, and I've even called a landscape architect round to view the property and get a quote ready! I know, you will call me mad as soon as you read the next line. We are only renting. But wait! This was my grandmother's house, and she used to have a beautiful garden here. My parents own it now and we rent it from them. Seriously, I plan to live here for quite some time, and I want somewhere to have a bbq out the back. :)
I'm on what would be called "spring break" in America, I guess. Just two weeks off in the middle of the semester, but I've not been lazing about. I'm actually getting ready for an exhibition!
I will post some pics of the artwork up here when they are finished. They deal with ideas around diabetes, typography, language and community. The exhibition itself is just for art tutors, and I got to design the "branding" for it too, which is cool. I am quite chuffed to be exhibiting again, my last job sucked all the creativity out of me, but now I'm actively encouraged to make art/design, so it feels great. I've been sitting at the sunny kitchen table every morning drawing and inking and growling at the cat for walking over all the nice clean paper. It will be a challenge to see my work up there alongside that of the other tutors, as not so long ago they were my tutors! I hope mine will be good enough! :D The exhibition starts next Tuesday, so hopefully I will have the artwork finished and ready to install tomorrow or Friday. Fingers crossed.
My diabetes control has been a bit higgeldy piggeldy over the hols, due to the facts that I am getting up much later, not working to a schedule, eating more, and doing less exercise. Ah, holidays. :P Oh and hayfever tablets are also in that mix, making me soooo sleeeeeepy. I didn't take mine today, and have been given a headache in return. Thanks, hayfever!
It also looks like I've picked up quite a substantial lead for some freelance web design. My sister works for a local boutique design house, and they need a web monkey to make sites... so I've been sending out quote after quote this week, and I have a meeting with the boss tomorrow - wish me luck!
Well, that's all for now. Must, quite literally, get back to the drawing board. Have a great week. :)
I'm on what would be called "spring break" in America, I guess. Just two weeks off in the middle of the semester, but I've not been lazing about. I'm actually getting ready for an exhibition!
I will post some pics of the artwork up here when they are finished. They deal with ideas around diabetes, typography, language and community. The exhibition itself is just for art tutors, and I got to design the "branding" for it too, which is cool. I am quite chuffed to be exhibiting again, my last job sucked all the creativity out of me, but now I'm actively encouraged to make art/design, so it feels great. I've been sitting at the sunny kitchen table every morning drawing and inking and growling at the cat for walking over all the nice clean paper. It will be a challenge to see my work up there alongside that of the other tutors, as not so long ago they were my tutors! I hope mine will be good enough! :D The exhibition starts next Tuesday, so hopefully I will have the artwork finished and ready to install tomorrow or Friday. Fingers crossed.
My diabetes control has been a bit higgeldy piggeldy over the hols, due to the facts that I am getting up much later, not working to a schedule, eating more, and doing less exercise. Ah, holidays. :P Oh and hayfever tablets are also in that mix, making me soooo sleeeeeepy. I didn't take mine today, and have been given a headache in return. Thanks, hayfever!
It also looks like I've picked up quite a substantial lead for some freelance web design. My sister works for a local boutique design house, and they need a web monkey to make sites... so I've been sending out quote after quote this week, and I have a meeting with the boss tomorrow - wish me luck!
Well, that's all for now. Must, quite literally, get back to the drawing board. Have a great week. :)
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