13dp3dt Well, it feels real...

..but will it stick around? Will I get a good beta on Tuesday?

I am pretty calm, and it's sinking in more. I am currently pregnant and I have to keep telling it to myself cos I just don't believe it. I have been to look at the pee-stick several times today. Just to check I didn't imagine that line. Or the phone call from the nurse. I am hoping they will send the results out to me on paper, so I have something tangible to fret over.

Things I have discovered today:

• People are treating me differently already. Which bugs me. Why are you all getting worried about me now, but not the day before first beta? eh? I am the same person!
• People who don't have a clue I'm pregnant treat me the same as always. Which also bugs me. Where is my special treatment already!? Can't win over here. lol
• It should not be possible to forget that something is going on down there. Most of the time, it is painful and crampy (not severe cramping). Plus there are the twinges. I guess that's what you'd call them? Sharper, achier pains that occur all over the place. Anywhere from my hip joints right up to my clavicles. Ribs. And of course the abdomen. Sometimes I can feel a twinge going right um, up me. Sometimes it goes around my uterus. I think. Without an MRI to hand, I am just guessing at anatomy here. Oh and also the firm-en-ing-up of my tummy, and the general inability to button my jeans.
• I gave in the moment we got the nurse's phone call. By that, I mean, I have allowed myself to dream of this child. I have been collecting names. Hubby and I even had the briefest of brief chat about names. I have been watching videos about what happens at 3 and 4 weeks pregnant, and I have downloaded a couple of pregnancy tracking apps. By the power vested in the Interwebs, I am able to determine that my Estimated Due Date should be 11 July 2014. None of these things are what I would consider "safe". I mean, throughout the whole time I have been waiting for this (can't use "trying" as we've technically never "tried" to get pregnant in the traditional sense lol) I have been moderating my thoughts severely. To keep my mind from exploding and my self from collapsing in a crumple of tears, I made a bargain with myself: I could think of certain things (names, due dates, pregnancy details, maternity clothes, nursery decorating ideas) only once I reached certain goals (accepted for treatment, started treatment, positive beta) to protect my mind. My reasoning being that if I didn't think up good, wishful, dreams then I wouldn't be hurt as badly should things go south.
• And now I have gone there. The gates are open and I cannot reign in my insatiable curiosity and dreaming. It is lovely to be able to feel I can now safely think about this sort of wonderful stuff...
• ...But, then I realise that I could lose it all on Tuesday, making the fall so much harder. I hope beyond everything that this, my first pregnancy, sticks, stays, grows, and is healthy. I have never wanted anything so much in my entire existence.
• The centre of my universe has changed. I'm not sure where it was before, but it's now growing in me (I hope).
• My brain can think of little else. Until I do something (gardening, cooking) and forget entirely.
• Speaking of gardening: I did lots. I know, I know - I'm not supposed to exert myself. Or get too hot. And I know. It's bad for the embryo. But it has been the most beautiful spring weekend and I have been so at peace. I was, I think, not able to garden all winter until this IVF was done. Now that I feel positive again (it's been a while since I've felt so energized) the garden is crying out for attention. I drank lots of water, made sure not to over do things, and only went out in the sun for short spells. Oh, and there is another reason why I feel positive about it. Part of the stories the women in my family share include that of doing some crazy, manual labour such as cleaning the stove, washing all the windows, or weeding the garden. So I take the desire to garden as a good omen.
• You may have noticed the word energized in the last bullet point. Imagine having all this energy and happiness one moment, and then the most crippling fatigue so you have to lie down or risk feeling faint the next. Well, that has been my day. I get especially tired towards the end of the day.
• I decided to get tougher on my blood sugars. I really really tried to get in touch with my Diabetes Nurse Educator last week, but we are playing a mammoth game of phone tag at present. Too timid to adjust the basal rates (especially while still on those progesterone pessaries ewww), I spent most of Saturday thinking what I could do instead. First up, I tried doing more correction boluses when ever I went over 12mmol. I also started ignoring the pumps suggestions of "0 units" when I had IOB, and instead gave small conservative boluses. This worked ok, so I then thought up a more permanent method - Oh hey! I will just adjust my insulin sensitivity factor a bit! I went from 1u:4mmol up to 1u:3mmol. This has proved to be too strong especially in conjunction with gardening, so I've just put it back down to 1u:3.7mmol. Let's see how that goes.
• Tomorrow is my first day of work where I will be pregnant. I have a rather unpleasant bunch of students to teach, and I hope, for my sake, that they behave themselves. I will not hesitate to "pop down to the office to get something" if I feel they are upsetting me or getting my heart rate up at all!
• I can count things in pregnancy-numbers now: 4 weeks 3 days pregnant.

So, that is all. Sorry about the rather random haphazard post today. It's nearly 11pm and I am beat. Also, just gone low. Also, getting a twinge right now!

Sing it with me: I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope Tuesday's beta is a good positive number; strong doubling is what I am hoping for.

Thank you for the flood of support you have offered me. It is truly humbling to know that so many people across the world are supportive. Thank you! :D

So sleepy

I'm now in my second week back at work after the Christmas break, and there are 3 things on my mind:

• why do I keep falling into an exhausted sleep at midday?
• when will I finally write the Christmas beach holiday post I promised you all?
• how on earth do I write a letter to my Member of Parliament asking for help with getting funding for IVF?

::sigh::

First things first: the tiredness.
Last week, I took 2 full afternoons off work, and each time as soon as I got home I fell into a coma-sleep until dinner time. Then there was the drama with the fish hook over the weekend, and then I got so exhausted with a migraine yesterday lunchtime I once again came home and fell asleep. I've taken iron tablets, and now I am taking B vitamins as well. Today seems to be ok so far, but I am dreading lunchtime because I'm afraid I will be too whacked to make it through the afternoon.

Lucky that I'm on a 3 week contract with another department here at the tertiary institute, because I don't have a real boss at the moment, which is great cos it means I can just slip home, sleep, then work in the evenings if I need to.

Second: the Christmas holiday beach post
Sometime this week I hope! I have a gazillion photos to download from my camera (last count I think it had close to 2000 photos waiting for download.) I'm hopeless at downloading...just love taking photos! haha

Third: the letter to the MP
This one is hard, because I know it's the next (read: only) step in our journey for IVF. I started re-writing what I had done already, but got part way through and turned into a mess of tears. It's so hard reading about the last year+ and all the crap we've been through, and knowing that this MP probably can't do much to help our particular case, and how am I supposed to approach this letter anyway? Everytime I start, it's too much. It's overwhelming. I have set myself a deadline to do it each week for the past 3 weeks and failed each time. I don't know whether to explain what's happened in great detail, or give bullet points, or just plain ol' beg for help?? I want to get a draft written and send it to my Endo, so he can give it the once over before I send it to the MP. I also want to be able to post it here first, to see what you all think.

Yeah, so today I am also starting the non-holiday food. That means, eat more fresh healthy stuff, and less "it's holiday time, fast food is ok!" food. Delicious cous cous with spring onions and chopped baby toms for lunch, with an apricot. Raisins and sesame crackers for snacks. No more bakery food for lunch! Makes me feel too ugh. Makes the diabetes too hard to predict. Fresh food always makes me happy.

How are you handling the back-to-work transition from the holidays?

I'm so happy I just did the washing!

Not happy about the washing, silly! Happy enough to DO the washing :)

I've just come back from my appointment with my endocrinologist, and the news is all good. My HbA1c is 6.6%, he couldn't believe it. Wanted to know what I was doing different? (Not much, just using the iPhone insulin calculator app, oh, and got a new, less stressful job). Anyway, because I still do get quite a few lows at night, and especially when I wake up, he recommended "backing off a bit". Which I think is a good idea. I will try dropping my evening dose of Lantus by 1 unit for a week, to see if that helps. I tried it for 2 days last week, but stopped because I got a couple of morning highs that I wasn't impressed with. If at first you don't succeed...

I have added this new result to TuAnalyze, even though they don't yet have a map for NZ:

How my HbA1c is tracking. Not too shabby! :)

Now for the bestest bit. Turns out that my endo has worked in the field of fertility before, so when he started asking how the IVF was going, and I told him how we had been denied funding based on a couple of irrational factors, he responded that it was an "irrational for of punishment" being dished out to us. Finally. Someone seems to get it. I can honestly say that I was not expecting him to say that, or to go further and offer to help us with the paper work and the fight for public funding, but he has. And I'm overjoyed. :D  I just couldn't believe it!!

At last some truly positive news. It feels like there is once again light at the end of the tunnel, where I had been coping in a grey-darkness for so many months.

We had a good discussion about how in New Zealand, where everyone is "equal" the cost of a particular health treatment should not matter. And if it does, then the patient should be means-tested for government funding. He noted that we are being unfairly denied public funding due to factors that we have no control over, such as a vasectomy in a previous marriage, kids from a previous marriage - neither of which we as a couple could affect. We also talked about how waiting will actually increase our chances of having a baby with Down's syndrome, or have me as a diabetic mother die during the process. Duh. "From a medical standpoint, waiting makes no sense whatsoever, it only serves as a cruel punishment to you." I agree. And it is good to know there may be some medical justification in not-waiting which could help advance our case.

Oh, he also recommended Hubby and I go make an appointment to see our local Member of Parliament, to let him know how the health system is failing us. Might just do that....

In other news, the semester has finished, and I gave my whole office Whittaker's Sante chocolate bars, and little cards. They have been in a chocolate stupor ever since!

Om nom nom nom!

I now have about 2.5 months of unemployment before my permanent contract with the local college/training institute kicks in. I shall spend the time:

• gardening (ate my first homegrown boysenberry yesterday - summer is here with a vengance (drought)
• building a website for our art department at work (my dept!)
• hunting down freelance jobs (more websites)
• hosting the whole fam-damily for Christmas lunch
• buying pressies
• watching my Hubby fish of the rocks, which I lie by the seaside up the coast with a book - our secret hideaway!
• eating fresh Kahawhai, or Snapper, or whatever is caught.

What are your Christmas Summer/Winter plans?

A sort of anniversary

So this will be short and sweet, but I just wanted to mark the start of October since it's roughly one year since we started this journey of diabetes and infertility. My bloggiversary occurs next April - I can't believe it's so far away, I feel like I've been writing for ever! haha  I will have to think up a special celebration for it.

Oh well, to mark the day, here is one of my favourite paintings. I actually made a reproduction of this work, in my student days (no, you can't see it!)   :)

Girl with a Pearl Earring - c.1665 -  Johannes Vermeer

My lovely hubby took me out for Indian for dinner tonight. Yum yum! Butter chicken my favourite (predictable, I know - but I only choose it about 50% of the time I eat Indian, honest!) Lots of poppa dams, naan bread, white rice, and fried tandoori things on a hot stone. Ooh food heaven!

I have to say, I am a very useful person to take out to dinner. You see, whenever I take out my test kit, the wait staff ALWAYS come over. It might be coincidence, but it's happened so many times (more than 100) that I think the waiters are just curious! What is she doing? hehe - anyway the upshot is that we get served pretty quickly!

The downside, with indian food, is I have no idea how to carb count it. :(

Actually, it would be helpful if I knew exactly how much I ate :P  But I just wolf it down, so hungry!

I had my first day back at work today after mid-semester break, and with a good breakfast test, and not much food (no grazing at the biscuit tin today!), and plenty of walking between classrooms, I went quite low during a staff meeting this afternoon. After treating that, then eating Indian for dinner meant a nice high just now. Ah well. Bolus. Then the painful part - staying awake long enough to know if it's "just right" and not going to send me plummeting overnight.

I also don't want to be high all night, as that will ruin me for the exhibition opening tomorrow (so excited!) Oh, question for you: do you get incredibly hungry when you are high sometimes? Like, ravenous? It's weird, my symptoms seem to have done a flip-flop over the last couple of months. I just want to eat the cupboards bare when I'm high, and (TMI warning, advance apologies, avert your eyes etc) I need to pee like a racehorse when I'm low. Weird I know - I've never been one to do things by the book :P

If all goes according to plan...

...I will be installing my artwork tomorrow. I PROMISE to post up some photos soon!

I've made five posters, all hand drawn. I haven't done so much "manual" graphic design work for about 6 years, so now when I look at the plain white sheet of paper I see spots! haha. Eyes are getting pretty tired. That mild headache I mentioned yesterday is still here, and I think it's just a combination of eye strain and naughty hayfever medication being a monkey.

Hubby and I have just been for a lovely walk along the seaside walkway here in town. He made a wonderful steak dinner, and then we did the dishes together :) Awwwww :)

Finishing off my drawings this week has been hard, not only because I started to get a little impatient (I'm used to working in Adobe Illustrator software, so goin' old skool with pen and paper seems to take forever!), but because our kitchen table looks straight into the neighbour's backyard. And they have two little girls, toddlers, and all morning when I'm trying to work I hear them laughing or crying or eating dirt or chasing their kitten or whatever, and it it just so hard to work while that constant reminder is there. No. You can't have kids unless you either a) wait for 3 years or b) stump up the cash for private IVF. Bah.

I can't seem to find a "healthy" focus in my life right now. Every second thought is about either how we could have a baby, or what I will do if we can't. Actually, I also think about how I should stop from going MAD because of how I'm thinking! Seriously, it's getting me mighty depressed, made worse by the fact that I don't really fell comfortable talking about it with anyone. No one wants to hear me talk about this. It's not happy conversation. And a talk won't fix it so why bother? I have thought on a couple of occasions that perhaps I should consult a counsellor. And then I go and buy a lotto ticket instead, as I see that as being slightly more practical.

Yesterday I saw 3 baby-bump-bellies, 2 strollers, and had to work through the neighbours having what was practically an at-home creche for 3 - 4 babies. I just can't think of anything else. It is driving me insane. I can't be happy. Even out on our lovely walk, it was all going well when we met eldest step-son with a goodly-chunk of his family out also for a walk. Nice to see them, yes. Did it remind me that hubby already has kids, and that I am the only "parent" of his kids (they have four: mum, step-dad, dad, step-mum) who isn't actually a bona-fide parent?

In other, slightly related news/ramblings, I got the quote back for doing over the back garden. It's way too expensive, about double what I was willing to part with. So maybe we will look at doing it ourselves. But honestly, the first thought when I opened the quote was "ok, so I can't have that either, I can't have any of my dreams!" I know, a bit melo-dramantic, sorry! But I have my good days and my bad days. Days where I see a bazillion kid-related things are tough. I just want to shout at them "stop bloody torturing me!" Other days it's almost like I'm normal, pre-infertility label.

Yeah, so I began thinking, if I can look at spending money on landscaping, why not put some serious effort into saving up for IVF myself? I just reapplied for my teaching job, for next year, and I'm pretty sure I will get it. And it pays not too bad, so I will start saving like mad and living like a pauper. hehe, we'll see. Really, 11K would stretch us. We would have enough for treatment, but no money to feed/clothe a baby afterwards! :P

I have not heard back from nzfertility.org (could be because their site is down, perhaps?). A while back I wrote a letter which they said they would pass on to the clinic that treated us badly. Maybe after writing this post I will email them and see what's happening. Last time I spoke to the nice ladies there, they seemed to understand, and be sympathetic to our case.

I just feel like I now have no purpose in life. Hubby is much older, I love him, but I need to know that when I'm old, I have kids of my own to look after me. I really don't want to be alone in this world. And I don't want to miss out on being a mum, being a grand-mother, seeing my kids take their first steps, or burp all over me, or skin their knees and need a hug. From their mum: ME! I hate to think that my life is diverging from it's intended path, from my dreams, from what I always thought it would be. I know some people actively choose not to have kids. That's fine. But I have made the discovery that I do want kids badly, so not being able to fulfill that is really hard to deal with. Way harder than anything I've ever faced before, as I have to face it every day. Babies are everywhere in the media, and in town, and the step-kids come every second weekend so I can't even escape to my own home. :(

Sorry to be such a downer, but I'm stuck. I feel I have no direction in my life, and the little goals I'm setting myself just aren't cutting it. Once upon a time something like an exhibition would have ruled my life for months, I would have poured my heart and soul into it. Now, I just feel I have nothing to give. I feel empty because I'm just drifting. Don't get me wrong, my life is very comfortable. There is just no aim to what I do. And that scares me. I don't want to waste life, because I've fought so hard to be healthy and happy up til now.

Anyway, pictures for you tomorrow, I promise. :)

Dreaming of a patio, would you believe

Well, I decided I had to have something to take my mind of things. So a great garden adventure it is! I've been measuring the back garden, driving out to paving/cobblestone wholesalers, and I've even called a landscape architect round to view the property and get a quote ready! I know, you will call me mad as soon as you read the next line. We are only renting. But wait! This was my grandmother's house, and she used to have a beautiful garden here. My parents own it now and we rent it from them. Seriously, I plan to live here for quite some time, and I want somewhere to have a bbq out the back. :)

I'm on what would be called "spring break" in America, I guess. Just two weeks off in the middle of the semester, but I've not been lazing about. I'm actually getting ready for an exhibition!

I will post some pics of the artwork up here when they are finished. They deal with ideas around diabetes, typography, language and community. The exhibition itself is just for art tutors, and I got to design the "branding" for it too, which is cool. I am quite chuffed to be exhibiting again, my last job sucked all the creativity out of me, but now I'm actively encouraged to make art/design, so it feels great. I've been sitting at the sunny kitchen table every morning drawing and inking and growling at the cat for walking over all the nice clean paper. It will be a challenge to see my work up there alongside that of the other tutors, as not so long ago they were my tutors! I hope mine will be good enough! :D The exhibition starts next Tuesday, so hopefully I will have the artwork finished and ready to install tomorrow or Friday. Fingers crossed.

My diabetes control has been a bit higgeldy piggeldy over the hols, due to the facts that I am getting up much later, not working to a schedule, eating more, and doing less exercise. Ah, holidays. :P Oh and hayfever tablets are also in that mix, making me soooo sleeeeeepy. I didn't take mine today, and have been given a headache in return. Thanks, hayfever!

It also looks like I've picked up quite a substantial lead for some freelance web design. My sister works for a local boutique design house, and they need a web monkey to make sites... so I've been sending out quote after quote this week, and I have a meeting with the boss tomorrow - wish me luck!

Well, that's all for now. Must, quite literally, get back to the drawing board. Have a great week. :)

Talent show update

My step-daughter took part in her first talent show on the weekend, and at 13 yrs I think she was the youngest contestant. She was competing against high-school students and professional musicians!

She did really well, and we were all really proud of her. She performed a song she wrote herself, playing the guitar to accompany herself - no small feat when there is an audience of 100+ people and bright lights shining in your eyes! She looked great and sounded very confident. It was very cute when she dashed off stage straight after playing, the judges had to ask her bak onstage to give her the feedback! hehe :D

While she didn't win her section, all FOUR of her parents thought she did really well. :)

It was a bit surreal having a night out with hubby's ex-wife and her new husband! I suppose it just goes to show how well we all get along, which is great for the kids.

I've been looking at booking a holiday in a tropical island somewhere, just because I need something to look forward to after all the disappointment of this year. We had one nearly booked, but then we did the sums and realised it would mean eating bread crusts for a while! haha :P

I can't wait for this week to be over, then it will be mid-term break! Yay! I shall go out digging in the garden.... it is spring here, or at least it's supposed to be spring, she says, shaking her fist at the raining sky!

Hope you're having a great week. Sorry for the general bloggy-slackness. Work really has been keeping me busy! :)

Sneezes, birthdays, and songs

A couple of days of sneezing signaled the start of a glorious head cold. Bah! So today I am home from work watching music videos on the telly while it gets all rainy and stormy outside.

I've been working some long hours - lesson planning for my teaching job ensures that even on my birthday I had to work to 10.30pm at night. Yup, I'm a virgo alright! hehe Now officially 28!

My birthday was great, with my close family all around. We went to dinner at a yummy little Italian restaurant and ate tiramisu, ganache, and cheesecake for dessert! Nom nom nom :)

The day was tinged with sadness for me, however, as I was reminded that I won't be a Mum anytime soon, or ever. Some days it's worse than others, and most of the time I just try to work hard and ignore the feelings. I think I need a goal or two. Currently we've got nothing to look forward to.

So here are some goals. You can suggest more if you think of them! :)

- secure my job for next year
- go on holiday
- continue to try and get public funding for IVF
- create and exhibit some artwork
- do the garden
- love my hubby more each day

Yeah, so about the job. Because of some silly SNAFU on the part of my employer, my job was never officially advertised, so I got put on a fixed-term contract. Which means that if I want to keep my job next year I will have to go through the process of applying for it all over again. My boss really wants to keep me, and I've been getting good feedback from students and colleagues alike, but there will always be a small chance that I won't get it. There's nothing much I can do except apply and cross my fingers.

I've recently started grading the first assessments for the four graphics, typography, digital media, and web classes I teach. I actually found it very interesting, seeing the students so worried about presenting their work, and then looking so relieved once it was over. Writing the comments on their grading form is a bit like being a psychological detective or something, and I'm finding it fascinating trying to figure out why some students maybe aren't as attentive or focused as they should be, and find how to help them. Assessment time is supposed to be hard work for the tutors, and it does take heaps of time, but because I'm enjoying it so much, it makes me think even more that THIS IS THE JOB FOR ME! :)

One last piece of news, my step-daughter has entered a local talent competition and made it to the finals! We are going to see her perform in the show tomorrow, singing a song she wrote herself - she's 13!!! How awesome is that? She's becoming quite a sophisticated little singer/songwriter, and I'm wishing her the best of luck :)