It started out because I was lonely, and then, because all I could think about was IF. It was driving my brain around in circles so that I was having palpitations, stress, anxiety, and panic.
Since I had a lot of projects to work on, I felt guilty for allowing my brain to wallow like this. But trying to do other things just made it worse. I find it very hard to be creative, and impossible when my mind is clouded with the thick fog of IF doubt swirling.
So I got on the Interwebs. BIG MISTAKE!
I found what seemed to be a lovely online community right here in NZ devoted to IF. Wow! Where have you been hiding I thought?
You may or may not remember that my last IF-based decision was that the fighting was making me ill and Hubby and I agreed to give it a rest. Just wait.
Well that's all fine, except when I did a quick count and realised that it would be a few years yet before we can get treatment.
So I posted on the forum. HUGE MISTAKE!!!! For these were not supportive IF folks, of the type I've experienced on US and UK forums, no, these were Kiwi chicks who wielded their claws, spat, then closed ranks on me. Me! Another infertile! Honestly, I've never been burned like that, or misunderstood so well. And it was a whole flock of them. I'm not going to write specifics or link to the forum, as that would just give them more power, but lets just say that they completely demeaned and belittled both me, my husband, and our struggles.
So, feeling like complete and utter crap, I did what you do in that situation. I went to walk the dogs with my sister.
She pointed out that although they were nasty on the forum, they were right in the fact that all we do have to do is wait. It's only another year. And she's right. One more year and then we will be off stand-down time (or penalty time as I like to call it) and onto the waiting list.
Let me be clear here: I have NO issue with waiting lists. Sure, they suck, but they are logical.
Stand-down years, however, are not logical. They are a pseudo-waiting list. And that is very suspicious to me.
So my brain which had been moping and wallowing and freaking out turned into a "let's get this show back on the road" type of brain!
|Ok, so maybe I ate some chocolate during this process. How can you tell?|
Hmmm. That's a CEO, all big 'n important. Maybe I'll just call their customer service line first...
And what a great thing that was! The guy was super-receptive and very helpful. We spoke for over half an hour, and he gave my synopsis a thorough examination. He even suggested where I could go next for help: the Health and Disability Commissioner.
Oh. Yeah, I kinda been there already.
Him: Maybe you should contact your MP, after all, it's an election year!
Well....I've done that too! And the Minister of Health!
Him: you sound like a very good self-advocate! :)
It turned out that when I last talked to an HDC advocate, she gave me bad advice (remember? She basically told me that the HDC couldn't help because my complaint was "paper work and bureaucracy, not medical or clinical"). The customer service dude gave me the details of another advocate right in our own region to talk to. Said she was a personal friend of his and that she would help however she could.
So I've just emailed her. We wait and see.
p.s. It was very good to talk to someone. It was like my whole body relaxed and I had a sudden creative burst of energy. As a result, I weeded the garden and found the biggest cauliflower you've ever seen. Seriously, this thing is in perfect health, and is bigger than my head. It was also home to about 40 snails haha!