Another year endured

I say endured not because I've had a bad year, but because I'm on the clock. This October marks the second year gone of our three year penalty time.

You remember why we are in penalty time, eh?

It's also over a year since I started my new job.

My first niece will be 2 this December - I got to meet her for the first time last week - she lives in Australia.

It feels like we are no closer to ever realizing the dream of having children. My children, our children. Not step-children. They're nice but they are not enough to fill this immense void.

I was watching a science-type program called Invisible Worlds hosted by The Hamster, and it showed how if you use different wavelengths of light you can see different things. Like using infrared or UV or X-rays. Then it occurred to me that if ever there was discovered a type of light that could detect IF sadness, surely it would not show light at all, but rather big hazy heavy choking black clouds weighing people down.

I'm feeling more helpless than normal. My life feels overall like it's good, but just so unfulfilled and purposeless. Several times over the past couple of weeks Hubby has mentioned that he hopes we can become parents soon. The thing is, it's not just the money (or distinct lack of it) which bothers me, but also the fact that I've just turned 29. Had a lovely birthday but tinged with deep sadness for me, as 29 is when fertility slowly starts to decline. Now I'm genuinely worried that when our time is all waited that we simply won't be able to have kids. At all. Because a stupid form said we were 5 points short of a threshold. I don't know if I could handle having my hope ripped away from me like that.

Hope is what keeps my head up, and stops me collapsing. That and staying so goddamn busy that i have no time to think about IF.

/ end of wah

I was limping today. Shin splints. Or compartment syndrome. Or a stress fracture. I have no idea how this happened - I walk up a 5 min hill to work and down again at night, but that's about the sum total of my regular exercise. I'm not off sprint training on the sly or anything! Anyway right shin feels like there is an icicle being driven into it when my ankle flexes down. And up. So stairs and hills are my enemies right now.

It's spring and I've been planting strawberries.

It's also the RWC here in NZ, so everyone is mad with rugby fever. Don't tell anyone but I've watched all the All Blacks games so far!


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