...I will be installing my artwork tomorrow. I PROMISE to post up some photos soon!
I've made five posters, all hand drawn. I haven't done so much "manual" graphic design work for about 6 years, so now when I look at the plain white sheet of paper I see spots! haha. Eyes are getting pretty tired. That mild headache I mentioned yesterday is still here, and I think it's just a combination of eye strain and naughty hayfever medication being a monkey.
Hubby and I have just been for a lovely walk along the seaside walkway here in town. He made a wonderful steak dinner, and then we did the dishes together :) Awwwww :)
Finishing off my drawings this week has been hard, not only because I started to get a little impatient (I'm used to working in Adobe Illustrator software, so goin' old skool with pen and paper seems to take forever!), but because our kitchen table looks straight into the neighbour's backyard. And they have two little girls, toddlers, and all morning when I'm trying to work I hear them laughing or crying or eating dirt or chasing their kitten or whatever, and it it just so hard to work while that constant reminder is there. No. You can't have kids unless you either a) wait for 3 years or b) stump up the cash for private IVF. Bah.
I can't seem to find a "healthy" focus in my life right now. Every second thought is about either how we could have a baby, or what I will do if we can't. Actually, I also think about how I should stop from going MAD because of how I'm thinking! Seriously, it's getting me mighty depressed, made worse by the fact that I don't really fell comfortable talking about it with anyone. No one wants to hear me talk about this. It's not happy conversation. And a talk won't fix it so why bother? I have thought on a couple of occasions that perhaps I should consult a counsellor. And then I go and buy a lotto ticket instead, as I see that as being slightly more practical.
Yesterday I saw 3 baby-bump-bellies, 2 strollers, and had to work through the neighbours having what was practically an at-home creche for 3 - 4 babies. I just can't think of anything else. It is driving me insane. I can't be happy. Even out on our lovely walk, it was all going well when we met eldest step-son with a goodly-chunk of his family out also for a walk. Nice to see them, yes. Did it remind me that hubby already has kids, and that I am the only "parent" of his kids (they have four: mum, step-dad, dad, step-mum) who isn't actually a bona-fide parent?
In other, slightly related news/ramblings, I got the quote back for doing over the back garden. It's way too expensive, about double what I was willing to part with. So maybe we will look at doing it ourselves. But honestly, the first thought when I opened the quote was "ok, so I can't have that either, I can't have any of my dreams!" I know, a bit melo-dramantic, sorry! But I have my good days and my bad days. Days where I see a bazillion kid-related things are tough. I just want to shout at them "stop bloody torturing me!" Other days it's almost like I'm normal, pre-infertility label.
Yeah, so I began thinking, if I can look at spending money on landscaping, why not put some serious effort into saving up for IVF myself? I just reapplied for my teaching job, for next year, and I'm pretty sure I will get it. And it pays not too bad, so I will start saving like mad and living like a pauper. hehe, we'll see. Really, 11K would stretch us. We would have enough for treatment, but no money to feed/clothe a baby afterwards! :P
I have not heard back from nzfertility.org (could be because their site is down, perhaps?). A while back I wrote a letter which they said they would pass on to the clinic that treated us badly. Maybe after writing this post I will email them and see what's happening. Last time I spoke to the nice ladies there, they seemed to understand, and be sympathetic to our case.
I just feel like I now have no purpose in life. Hubby is much older, I love him, but I need to know that when I'm old, I have kids of my own to look after me. I really don't want to be alone in this world. And I don't want to miss out on being a mum, being a grand-mother, seeing my kids take their first steps, or burp all over me, or skin their knees and need a hug. From their mum: ME! I hate to think that my life is diverging from it's intended path, from my dreams, from what I always thought it would be. I know some people actively choose not to have kids. That's fine. But I have made the discovery that I do want kids badly, so not being able to fulfill that is really hard to deal with. Way harder than anything I've ever faced before, as I have to face it every day. Babies are everywhere in the media, and in town, and the step-kids come every second weekend so I can't even escape to my own home. :(
Sorry to be such a downer, but I'm stuck. I feel I have no direction in my life, and the little goals I'm setting myself just aren't cutting it. Once upon a time something like an exhibition would have ruled my life for months, I would have poured my heart and soul into it. Now, I just feel I have nothing to give. I feel empty because I'm just drifting. Don't get me wrong, my life is very comfortable. There is just no aim to what I do. And that scares me. I don't want to waste life, because I've fought so hard to be healthy and happy up til now.
Anyway, pictures for you tomorrow, I promise. :)
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Dreaming of a patio, would you believe
Well, I decided I had to have something to take my mind of things. So a great garden adventure it is! I've been measuring the back garden, driving out to paving/cobblestone wholesalers, and I've even called a landscape architect round to view the property and get a quote ready! I know, you will call me mad as soon as you read the next line. We are only renting. But wait! This was my grandmother's house, and she used to have a beautiful garden here. My parents own it now and we rent it from them. Seriously, I plan to live here for quite some time, and I want somewhere to have a bbq out the back. :)
I'm on what would be called "spring break" in America, I guess. Just two weeks off in the middle of the semester, but I've not been lazing about. I'm actually getting ready for an exhibition!
I will post some pics of the artwork up here when they are finished. They deal with ideas around diabetes, typography, language and community. The exhibition itself is just for art tutors, and I got to design the "branding" for it too, which is cool. I am quite chuffed to be exhibiting again, my last job sucked all the creativity out of me, but now I'm actively encouraged to make art/design, so it feels great. I've been sitting at the sunny kitchen table every morning drawing and inking and growling at the cat for walking over all the nice clean paper. It will be a challenge to see my work up there alongside that of the other tutors, as not so long ago they were my tutors! I hope mine will be good enough! :D The exhibition starts next Tuesday, so hopefully I will have the artwork finished and ready to install tomorrow or Friday. Fingers crossed.
My diabetes control has been a bit higgeldy piggeldy over the hols, due to the facts that I am getting up much later, not working to a schedule, eating more, and doing less exercise. Ah, holidays. :P Oh and hayfever tablets are also in that mix, making me soooo sleeeeeepy. I didn't take mine today, and have been given a headache in return. Thanks, hayfever!
It also looks like I've picked up quite a substantial lead for some freelance web design. My sister works for a local boutique design house, and they need a web monkey to make sites... so I've been sending out quote after quote this week, and I have a meeting with the boss tomorrow - wish me luck!
Well, that's all for now. Must, quite literally, get back to the drawing board. Have a great week. :)
I'm on what would be called "spring break" in America, I guess. Just two weeks off in the middle of the semester, but I've not been lazing about. I'm actually getting ready for an exhibition!
I will post some pics of the artwork up here when they are finished. They deal with ideas around diabetes, typography, language and community. The exhibition itself is just for art tutors, and I got to design the "branding" for it too, which is cool. I am quite chuffed to be exhibiting again, my last job sucked all the creativity out of me, but now I'm actively encouraged to make art/design, so it feels great. I've been sitting at the sunny kitchen table every morning drawing and inking and growling at the cat for walking over all the nice clean paper. It will be a challenge to see my work up there alongside that of the other tutors, as not so long ago they were my tutors! I hope mine will be good enough! :D The exhibition starts next Tuesday, so hopefully I will have the artwork finished and ready to install tomorrow or Friday. Fingers crossed.
My diabetes control has been a bit higgeldy piggeldy over the hols, due to the facts that I am getting up much later, not working to a schedule, eating more, and doing less exercise. Ah, holidays. :P Oh and hayfever tablets are also in that mix, making me soooo sleeeeeepy. I didn't take mine today, and have been given a headache in return. Thanks, hayfever!
It also looks like I've picked up quite a substantial lead for some freelance web design. My sister works for a local boutique design house, and they need a web monkey to make sites... so I've been sending out quote after quote this week, and I have a meeting with the boss tomorrow - wish me luck!
Well, that's all for now. Must, quite literally, get back to the drawing board. Have a great week. :)
Monday, September 20, 2010
30 things you might not know about my invisible illness
OK, so I'm leaving this a bit more than late - Invisible Illness Awareness Week is now officially over. But hey, just cos I missed it doesn't mean should miss out, eh? :)
2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: 1988
3. But I had symptoms since: I was 5 at the time, so I don't remember the exact timing of stuff that far back. I do remember walking in town with my family, and repeatedly asking for a drink, and being given a can of (normal) lemonade! I also remember getting really skinny and earning the nickname 'stickthin' at school. I also remember that shortly after I was diagnosed, it was my 6th birthday, and my Mum had no idea what to make as a cake. Being the inventive soul that she is, she made a "plain" cake and "iced" it with cream cheese decorated with kiwi fruit! Let's just say my 6 yr old friends didn't know what to think of that! :P
4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: None. I've had this so long that it has become a part of me. I barely remember what it was like to not be diabetic. This IS my normal. Of course, whenever the drug companies make a new insulin, that's always a major adjustment to get used to.
5. Most people assume: That T1 is just a "worse" form of T2. It's not. They are 2 completely separate diseases and I am beginning to see the logic in two very distinct and separate names! Some people also assume that
6. The hardest part about mornings are: waking up either really high or really low, as either result is guaranteed to wreak havoc on my day.
10. Each day I take __ pills & vitamins. (No comments, please) No pills, just Lantus and Humalog insulins. Between 5 - 10 injections per day. Oh, I was taking a pre-pregnancy supplement and iron pills, but since I have to wait...let me count, 25 months to wait before we can even go on the waiting list, and another 18 months after that before we may actually be able to start IVF treatment, I kinda stopped taking them :( Believe me, I will do anything I can to start taking those pills again!
11. Regarding alternative treatments I: Sometimes I take garlic capsules, and I like a good lemon-honey drink for a sore throat. I also love a good backrub.
13. Regarding working and career: I think it's completely unfair for folks with a chronic illness to just have the same number of paid sick days as "normal" people. When I get the flu, that's a sick day off work. But what about when I've had a really bad low at night? I look fine, but my brain may be completely fried! Not fair I tell you!
14. People would be surprised to know: Just how much diabetes can take over a person's life. I think I would be a completely different person if I hadn't been diabetic. I think I would have been much more out-going and perhaps less focused.
15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: I didn't get a choice. It was just something that happened: Get on with life.
16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: write this blog! :D
1. The illness I live with is: Type 1 Diabetes
2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: 1988
3. But I had symptoms since: I was 5 at the time, so I don't remember the exact timing of stuff that far back. I do remember walking in town with my family, and repeatedly asking for a drink, and being given a can of (normal) lemonade! I also remember getting really skinny and earning the nickname 'stickthin' at school. I also remember that shortly after I was diagnosed, it was my 6th birthday, and my Mum had no idea what to make as a cake. Being the inventive soul that she is, she made a "plain" cake and "iced" it with cream cheese decorated with kiwi fruit! Let's just say my 6 yr old friends didn't know what to think of that! :P
4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: None. I've had this so long that it has become a part of me. I barely remember what it was like to not be diabetic. This IS my normal. Of course, whenever the drug companies make a new insulin, that's always a major adjustment to get used to.
5. Most people assume: That T1 is just a "worse" form of T2. It's not. They are 2 completely separate diseases and I am beginning to see the logic in two very distinct and separate names! Some people also assume that
- I can't eat ANY sugar
- I can't eat salt (WTF?)
- I can't eat chocolate (gimme gimme!)
- I just have an injection and that fixes everything
- that it's similar to mild asthma - when I explain the daily rituals and routines I go through, most people are quite amazed I get any work done at all!
6. The hardest part about mornings are: waking up either really high or really low, as either result is guaranteed to wreak havoc on my day.
7. My favorite medical TV show is: House. It's funny.
8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is: Well, the obvious answer is my glucose meter (Optium Xceed), but I could just get another one. Maybe my iPhone. I love my iPhone! I use it to calculate insulin dosages and control has gotten better since I started doing that :)
9. The hardest part about nights are: those common occasions when I go low and have to get out of a snuggly bed to fetch juice or biscuits. Or, those very rare occasions when I wake up in accident and emergency with the worried faces of my husband and parents looking down at me :(
10. Each day I take __ pills & vitamins. (No comments, please) No pills, just Lantus and Humalog insulins. Between 5 - 10 injections per day. Oh, I was taking a pre-pregnancy supplement and iron pills, but since I have to wait...let me count, 25 months to wait before we can even go on the waiting list, and another 18 months after that before we may actually be able to start IVF treatment, I kinda stopped taking them :( Believe me, I will do anything I can to start taking those pills again!
11. Regarding alternative treatments I: Sometimes I take garlic capsules, and I like a good lemon-honey drink for a sore throat. I also love a good backrub.
12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: I dunno, invisible I suppose because that's what I'm used to. I get annoyed when people don't understand, but then I realise that if I tell them, then THEY KNOW. And that can have both positive and negative side effects :P
13. Regarding working and career: I think it's completely unfair for folks with a chronic illness to just have the same number of paid sick days as "normal" people. When I get the flu, that's a sick day off work. But what about when I've had a really bad low at night? I look fine, but my brain may be completely fried! Not fair I tell you!
14. People would be surprised to know: Just how much diabetes can take over a person's life. I think I would be a completely different person if I hadn't been diabetic. I think I would have been much more out-going and perhaps less focused.
15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: I didn't get a choice. It was just something that happened: Get on with life.
16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: write this blog! :D
17. The commercials about my illness: Are terrible. Not only because they make sweeping generalisations and play-up to stereotypes, but also because they often get things wrong. I also hate the way patients are seen as dollar signs. Makes me grumpy just thinking about how some people profit from other people's illness!
18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is: Eating milo sandwiches, with lashings of butter and brown sugar, on white bread with the crusts cut off. This was my Aunt's speciality. Haven't eaten it in about 22 years.
19. It was really hard to have to give up: Can't remember back that far, didn't really have any food habits to give up.
20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: So many to choose from! Kung fu, silver smithing, painting, photography, gardening...
21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would: Figure out how to make it the next day too!
22. My illness has taught me: to stand up for myself and question everything a health professional tells me.
23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is: how many sugars do you want in your tea? Just, goddam it, give me the sugar bowl and let me decide!
24. But I love it when people: like me for who I am, not what I am.
25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: Do not be afraid of perfection, you will never reach it. -- Salvador Dali, surrealist painter.
26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them: I will be here to help you if you need it.
27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: The fact that I perhaps get better medical care than a "normal" person because diabetics get shunted to the top of the list.
28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was: Look after me.
29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because: I just read about it, and think it's an excellent idea :)
30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: happy that you want to stalk me and find out everything about me haha! :P
Talent show update
My step-daughter took part in her first talent show on the weekend, and at 13 yrs I think she was the youngest contestant. She was competing against high-school students and professional musicians!
She did really well, and we were all really proud of her. She performed a song she wrote herself, playing the guitar to accompany herself - no small feat when there is an audience of 100+ people and bright lights shining in your eyes! She looked great and sounded very confident. It was very cute when she dashed off stage straight after playing, the judges had to ask her bak onstage to give her the feedback! hehe :D
While she didn't win her section, all FOUR of her parents thought she did really well. :)
It was a bit surreal having a night out with hubby's ex-wife and her new husband! I suppose it just goes to show how well we all get along, which is great for the kids.
I've been looking at booking a holiday in a tropical island somewhere, just because I need something to look forward to after all the disappointment of this year. We had one nearly booked, but then we did the sums and realised it would mean eating bread crusts for a while! haha :P
I can't wait for this week to be over, then it will be mid-term break! Yay! I shall go out digging in the garden.... it is spring here, or at least it's supposed to be spring, she says, shaking her fist at the raining sky!
Hope you're having a great week. Sorry for the general bloggy-slackness. Work really has been keeping me busy! :)
She did really well, and we were all really proud of her. She performed a song she wrote herself, playing the guitar to accompany herself - no small feat when there is an audience of 100+ people and bright lights shining in your eyes! She looked great and sounded very confident. It was very cute when she dashed off stage straight after playing, the judges had to ask her bak onstage to give her the feedback! hehe :D
While she didn't win her section, all FOUR of her parents thought she did really well. :)
It was a bit surreal having a night out with hubby's ex-wife and her new husband! I suppose it just goes to show how well we all get along, which is great for the kids.
I've been looking at booking a holiday in a tropical island somewhere, just because I need something to look forward to after all the disappointment of this year. We had one nearly booked, but then we did the sums and realised it would mean eating bread crusts for a while! haha :P
I can't wait for this week to be over, then it will be mid-term break! Yay! I shall go out digging in the garden.... it is spring here, or at least it's supposed to be spring, she says, shaking her fist at the raining sky!
Hope you're having a great week. Sorry for the general bloggy-slackness. Work really has been keeping me busy! :)
Friday, September 17, 2010
Sneezes, birthdays, and songs
A couple of days of sneezing signaled the start of a glorious head cold. Bah! So today I am home from work watching music videos on the telly while it gets all rainy and stormy outside.
I've been working some long hours - lesson planning for my teaching job ensures that even on my birthday I had to work to 10.30pm at night. Yup, I'm a virgo alright! hehe Now officially 28!
My birthday was great, with my close family all around. We went to dinner at a yummy little Italian restaurant and ate tiramisu, ganache, and cheesecake for dessert! Nom nom nom :)
The day was tinged with sadness for me, however, as I was reminded that I won't be a Mum anytime soon, or ever. Some days it's worse than others, and most of the time I just try to work hard and ignore the feelings. I think I need a goal or two. Currently we've got nothing to look forward to.
So here are some goals. You can suggest more if you think of them! :)
- secure my job for next year
- go on holiday
- continue to try and get public funding for IVF
- create and exhibit some artwork
- do the garden
- love my hubby more each day
Yeah, so about the job. Because of some silly SNAFU on the part of my employer, my job was never officially advertised, so I got put on a fixed-term contract. Which means that if I want to keep my job next year I will have to go through the process of applying for it all over again. My boss really wants to keep me, and I've been getting good feedback from students and colleagues alike, but there will always be a small chance that I won't get it. There's nothing much I can do except apply and cross my fingers.
I've recently started grading the first assessments for the four graphics, typography, digital media, and web classes I teach. I actually found it very interesting, seeing the students so worried about presenting their work, and then looking so relieved once it was over. Writing the comments on their grading form is a bit like being a psychological detective or something, and I'm finding it fascinating trying to figure out why some students maybe aren't as attentive or focused as they should be, and find how to help them. Assessment time is supposed to be hard work for the tutors, and it does take heaps of time, but because I'm enjoying it so much, it makes me think even more that THIS IS THE JOB FOR ME! :)
One last piece of news, my step-daughter has entered a local talent competition and made it to the finals! We are going to see her perform in the show tomorrow, singing a song she wrote herself - she's 13!!! How awesome is that? She's becoming quite a sophisticated little singer/songwriter, and I'm wishing her the best of luck :)
I've been working some long hours - lesson planning for my teaching job ensures that even on my birthday I had to work to 10.30pm at night. Yup, I'm a virgo alright! hehe Now officially 28!
My birthday was great, with my close family all around. We went to dinner at a yummy little Italian restaurant and ate tiramisu, ganache, and cheesecake for dessert! Nom nom nom :)
The day was tinged with sadness for me, however, as I was reminded that I won't be a Mum anytime soon, or ever. Some days it's worse than others, and most of the time I just try to work hard and ignore the feelings. I think I need a goal or two. Currently we've got nothing to look forward to.
So here are some goals. You can suggest more if you think of them! :)
- secure my job for next year
- go on holiday
- continue to try and get public funding for IVF
- create and exhibit some artwork
- do the garden
- love my hubby more each day
Yeah, so about the job. Because of some silly SNAFU on the part of my employer, my job was never officially advertised, so I got put on a fixed-term contract. Which means that if I want to keep my job next year I will have to go through the process of applying for it all over again. My boss really wants to keep me, and I've been getting good feedback from students and colleagues alike, but there will always be a small chance that I won't get it. There's nothing much I can do except apply and cross my fingers.
I've recently started grading the first assessments for the four graphics, typography, digital media, and web classes I teach. I actually found it very interesting, seeing the students so worried about presenting their work, and then looking so relieved once it was over. Writing the comments on their grading form is a bit like being a psychological detective or something, and I'm finding it fascinating trying to figure out why some students maybe aren't as attentive or focused as they should be, and find how to help them. Assessment time is supposed to be hard work for the tutors, and it does take heaps of time, but because I'm enjoying it so much, it makes me think even more that THIS IS THE JOB FOR ME! :)
One last piece of news, my step-daughter has entered a local talent competition and made it to the finals! We are going to see her perform in the show tomorrow, singing a song she wrote herself - she's 13!!! How awesome is that? She's becoming quite a sophisticated little singer/songwriter, and I'm wishing her the best of luck :)
Saturday, August 28, 2010
A surprising calm
I've been immersed in my work lately. No time to spend on my poor neglected blog. No time to tend the garden. Not much exercise. But I am enjoying my new job - it's amazing compared to the last one! I feel like I have a bit of control, a bit of respect, and a bit of joy in my work now. Teaching is hard work, I never doubted that, but so far it seems to be right up my alley. :)
Last weekend hubby and I traveled to a design conference in another (bigger) city. It was cool to get out of town for a few days and just be somewhere completely different. It has given me the creative kick I needed to start making art again.
While we were there, I also bought a few books (I LOOOOOVE books!), and so far this one has really captured my attention:
The Art of Choosing is written by Sheena Iyengar, a blind Sikh psychologist who has spent her career studying how people make decisions. It's a fascinating read and I highly recommend it. BTW, I choose this book because it had jellybeans on the cover, and because I had a cat called Sheena when I still lived with the parents. hehe :P
So how is everything else going? Well, surprisingly well, as the title of this post suggests. I've only had one serious cry/wail about our situation since my last blog post, so I will take that as a sign that I am coping quite nicely. On the otherhand, I am slighlty concerned that I'm not more upset now. I worry I might be bottling stuff up and just not dealing with it. I still notice babies and baby-related-stuff everywhere. At the cafe at lunch today I was fine, then a grand-dad came in with an infant in a car-capsule, and I noticed there was a "breast is best" pro-breastfeeding sign on the window. Just can't escape it. It's annoying me, but it's not driving me totally insane. I will take that small blessing! :P
One of my colleagues got an email yesterday which tested my "cover" strongly. (By cover, I mean that I've not told anyone at my new job what we've just gone through in regards to infertility and being disqualified for public IVF funding.) She has a friend in the UK who had been complaining for months about feeling tired and lethargic. It was getting worse. She had been to her doctor several times and nothing was helping. They couldn't figure out what was wrong. Then she mentioned the swollen ankles. Doctor decided to do a pregnancy test.... (she was on the pill) ...and lo and behold, it's a BFP! Want to know the amazing part? She's 7 months! WTF? How in holy hell could you not notice that! My colleague went to great pains to explain that her preggers-friend was a university-trained intellectual, not just some dumb-ass. But 7 months!? I asked the first question you ask when you hear a story like this: is she, ah.... is she a large lady? No. Slim. Where could she hide it? I dunno.... so now I know of a true case of this happening. Really happening. Only seen it in trashy womens mags and on telly before. But it happens in the real world. So that made for an interesting few minutes where I had to sit and try and compose myself, right before a class too! Sigh.
I can't remember if I told you before, but my one ray of hope was an organisation called Fertility NZ. I emailed them frantically, hoping that they could help somehow. Or at least explain what had happened. The wonderful ladies there have called me twice over the past couple of weeks with words to the effect that:
Last weekend hubby and I traveled to a design conference in another (bigger) city. It was cool to get out of town for a few days and just be somewhere completely different. It has given me the creative kick I needed to start making art again.
While we were there, I also bought a few books (I LOOOOOVE books!), and so far this one has really captured my attention:
The Art of Choosing is written by Sheena Iyengar, a blind Sikh psychologist who has spent her career studying how people make decisions. It's a fascinating read and I highly recommend it. BTW, I choose this book because it had jellybeans on the cover, and because I had a cat called Sheena when I still lived with the parents. hehe :P
So how is everything else going? Well, surprisingly well, as the title of this post suggests. I've only had one serious cry/wail about our situation since my last blog post, so I will take that as a sign that I am coping quite nicely. On the otherhand, I am slighlty concerned that I'm not more upset now. I worry I might be bottling stuff up and just not dealing with it. I still notice babies and baby-related-stuff everywhere. At the cafe at lunch today I was fine, then a grand-dad came in with an infant in a car-capsule, and I noticed there was a "breast is best" pro-breastfeeding sign on the window. Just can't escape it. It's annoying me, but it's not driving me totally insane. I will take that small blessing! :P
One of my colleagues got an email yesterday which tested my "cover" strongly. (By cover, I mean that I've not told anyone at my new job what we've just gone through in regards to infertility and being disqualified for public IVF funding.) She has a friend in the UK who had been complaining for months about feeling tired and lethargic. It was getting worse. She had been to her doctor several times and nothing was helping. They couldn't figure out what was wrong. Then she mentioned the swollen ankles. Doctor decided to do a pregnancy test.... (she was on the pill) ...and lo and behold, it's a BFP! Want to know the amazing part? She's 7 months! WTF? How in holy hell could you not notice that! My colleague went to great pains to explain that her preggers-friend was a university-trained intellectual, not just some dumb-ass. But 7 months!? I asked the first question you ask when you hear a story like this: is she, ah.... is she a large lady? No. Slim. Where could she hide it? I dunno.... so now I know of a true case of this happening. Really happening. Only seen it in trashy womens mags and on telly before. But it happens in the real world. So that made for an interesting few minutes where I had to sit and try and compose myself, right before a class too! Sigh.
I can't remember if I told you before, but my one ray of hope was an organisation called Fertility NZ. I emailed them frantically, hoping that they could help somehow. Or at least explain what had happened. The wonderful ladies there have called me twice over the past couple of weeks with words to the effect that:
- this sort of terrible mess happens regularly to NZ couples
- they get a couple of complaints from desperate women every week
- no I am not going mad
- yes those doctors did behave poorly
- no there's not a helluva lot we can do about it
- yes they want our help to stop this crap happening to other people
- but we will contact the fertility clinic on our behalf to get us some answers
So I wrote a letter for FertilityNZ to pass to the fertility clinic:
Currently, we are still waiting for a response from the fertility clinic. I hope they realise that this sort of treatment is unacceptable. I hope they find some common decency to re-score our case in a fair and decent way. I hope we are given a chance.
The lady from FertilityNZ did make me realise that we are not at a total loss... under the current law we WILL qualify for funding in Sept 2012 - still a while away, but possible. It feels like forever to wait and I really don't want to. But it's the only thing I can do at the moment. At least I'm not too close to 40yrs to wait (funding is also immediately cut once the woman turns 40). So that is another small blessing.
She also told me that they are actually trying to get the law changed in New Zealand, because it is so unfair to so many couples. She described how many folks get caught in the "time trap" - waiting, waiting, waiting until they qualify for funding. :(
So now you know why the blog's gone a bit quiet. There is nothing much interesting to report. Which has meant I've been rather calm. All this activity and planning, appointments and scans, tests and pills. It's all just stopped. I can now go back and do some gardening. Make some art. Focus on my design projects. It feels a bit like my brain is on holiday from the most grueling job in the world. I'm sad that it all didn't go as planned. But I'm so tired, and I don't see many options to push any further. I'm not giving up, but I'm having a rest. :)
Saturday, August 7, 2010
I may have been quiet, but I haven't fallen off the map completely!
Yep, took a two week break from blogging, from thinking, from doing much at all except throwing myself into my new job - which I love by the way! I just want to let you all know that I'm ok, kind of. :P
Thank you to everyone for your kind thoughts and emails. It's helped more than you can know.
After getting the news that apparently we would not be eligible for publicly-funded IVF treatment we didn't know what to do at first. "Grieve" seemed to be the natural response. Then get bloody angry!
But then I remembered a New Zealand organisation called Fertility NZ. They offer advice, advocacy, education, information, and support for those New Zealanders affected by infertility. I had nowhere else to turn, so I wrote them an email. It's not everyday I spill my most private thoughts and fears to a stranger on the end of an email address, but I seriously felt like I was out of options.
Less than two hours later, a super-lovely woman who shall be called S emailed back asking for more information. I had to wait two days to get a lunch hour long enough, but I called her and we spoke for an hour. It was the best conversation - helped me to realise that I'm not crazy and what has happened to us is not right. Not right at all. (If you want the details, please read here and here.)
S advised us to get together a list of questions to put to the fertility clinic, to try and figure out this whole mess. So I've been doing that. And working a demanding new teaching job, and doing freelance web design work on top of all that. Trust me, my brain is full!
On the diabetes front, things have been interesting. Take a look at the last two weeks numbers:
Check out those breakfast numbers! Two whole weeks and only one result above 10mmol/L. I don't think that has ever happened to me in 22 years of blood testing! :) Woohoo! And why did it occur? Well, I have decided it's because I'm not stressed about my old job anymore. I can't believe that I stayed there, and actually did myself physical damage. Well, now I have proof - stress is bad for you. Duh. (Umm, yes, in case you were wondering, that is a smudge of blood in the top right corner. Eww)
From my desk at my new work, here's a 11.1mmol/L reading, next to my log book, which got all smeared with blood when I failed to notice my finger was bleeding. Oh yeah, and I was teaching a class at the time. So that was interesting: I had to stop and fossick around for a tissue! haha :P My students won't forget that class in a hurry!
So that's the rough guide to my last couple of weeks. Better blood sugars, stupid fertility clinic, and working to 10pm most nights to write 4x courses, so I can teach them the following day.
Oh, and I had an appointment with my diabetes nurse educator. You know, the one who always makes me cry. Well, surprisingly, it went very well. She saw my new numbers, my new insulin calculator on my iPhone, my new carb-ratios, and my new carb-counting and proclaimed me to be doing very well. Actual praise. Wow! :)
Thank you to everyone for your kind thoughts and emails. It's helped more than you can know.
After getting the news that apparently we would not be eligible for publicly-funded IVF treatment we didn't know what to do at first. "Grieve" seemed to be the natural response. Then get bloody angry!
But then I remembered a New Zealand organisation called Fertility NZ. They offer advice, advocacy, education, information, and support for those New Zealanders affected by infertility. I had nowhere else to turn, so I wrote them an email. It's not everyday I spill my most private thoughts and fears to a stranger on the end of an email address, but I seriously felt like I was out of options.
Less than two hours later, a super-lovely woman who shall be called S emailed back asking for more information. I had to wait two days to get a lunch hour long enough, but I called her and we spoke for an hour. It was the best conversation - helped me to realise that I'm not crazy and what has happened to us is not right. Not right at all. (If you want the details, please read here and here.)
S advised us to get together a list of questions to put to the fertility clinic, to try and figure out this whole mess. So I've been doing that. And working a demanding new teaching job, and doing freelance web design work on top of all that. Trust me, my brain is full!
On the diabetes front, things have been interesting. Take a look at the last two weeks numbers:
 |
| Breakfast numbers under 10mmol/L. Woohoo! |
From my desk at my new work, here's a 11.1mmol/L reading, next to my log book, which got all smeared with blood when I failed to notice my finger was bleeding. Oh yeah, and I was teaching a class at the time. So that was interesting: I had to stop and fossick around for a tissue! haha :P My students won't forget that class in a hurry!
 |
| I hate these stupid people on the cover. |
Oh, and I had an appointment with my diabetes nurse educator. You know, the one who always makes me cry. Well, surprisingly, it went very well. She saw my new numbers, my new insulin calculator on my iPhone, my new carb-ratios, and my new carb-counting and proclaimed me to be doing very well. Actual praise. Wow! :)
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