Saturday, and the start of the long Labour Weekend here in New Zealand. We have the step kids staying with us this weekend (they are ages 18 boy, 16 girl, and 12 boy) - they come every second weekend to stay and the first thing Hubby showed them when they arrived on Friday evening was the photo of our embryo. The younger two were quite positive, the older was more reserved. Hard to tell what they are thinking sometimes.
Today I slept in, and then got up, had a lazy shower, and helped Hubby prepare lunch for all of us. I am struggling to get enough healthy choices - I mean, pizza for lunch one weekend with the kids is fun. Pizza for lunch every weekend with the kids is too much. I need healthy choices at this moment in time if never before! Normally, our go-to Saturday lunch with kids meal is make-your-own filled rolls at MILs, with ham, salad, cheese etc. Of course, I can no longer have deli-meats, so I was going to get a little tin of salmon instead (yum!) and take that to MILs house, but she is unwell so Hubby just brought the pizza home with him. But hey, I am not one to complain when someone prepares a meal for me! It's just now I have even more nutritional restrictions (diabetes plus PUPO) and I now feel like I am spending most of my waking moments planning safe, healthy food and drink choices.
Even tea. Black tea has caffeine and I have decided to have zero caffeine intake. I am drinking Dilmah decaffeinated tea, but have also just got some raspberry leaf tea - I quite like it! This is coming from someone who thinks that green tea tastes like lawn clippings lol
So the guts of this post: perhaps the hormones have finally got to me?
Hubby and I had a really bad fight today. We hardly ever fight. And when we do, it's always over nothing. This was no exception, but it felt worse. It started when we were with the youngest at a newly opened playground for kids. It was literally teeming with toddlers and children. Although I may be pregnant, I still carry the years of being infertile with me, so that mixed with my childhood memories of the park and I was already having an internal battle. And then an incident happened that may have involved the youngest. Long story short, it felt like Hubby had instantly "sided" with his son, rather than trusting me. And he couldn't understand me, and I felt he was being irrational. Sometimes I feel really alone in this journey, afterall, he already has kids and cannot possibly have identical feelings to me about this situation, although I know he dearly wants a child with me now. It's just that after 10 years in this family, for him to say one sentence and it immediately devalues my place in the family, and makes me an outsider to the family group, and comes with the assumption that I don't want what is best for his kids. All that is just what I feel, not what I know or what is logical. But that doesn't stop if hurting me deeply and upsetting me. I know Hubby was also greatly upset, it wasn't just a one-sided thing at all!
He took the kids off to get an ice-cream while I sulked in the car - I really didn't want to be anywhere near them. Once back at home, we tried to reconcile but it just got worse. We both got really worked up and I drove off to give us both space to calm down. I went to my favourite garden centre and bought new vege plants, and while I was there Hubby phoned me and we were soon back right as rain. The thing is, while I was so angry and sad and upset, I was also getting really bad twinges in my abdomen, especially over my right hip, and right through to my lower right back. It didn't last very long, but I was concerned enough to decided to go home even before Hubby rang. I am not supposed to elevate my pulse or raise my core body temperature during my 2WW.
Once I got home, the house was empty as Hubby has to do some work, and the 2 of the kids were in town, while the youngest had gone with Dad. So I attacked the garden to work off some of my fury. It was quite overgrown as I had let if go fallow since autumn (I hate gardening in the winter - I am a fair-weather gardener) and it was great to get in there and rip out the old capsicum plants, corn stalks, and giant weeds! Bending and digging was hard, as was pulling out weeds. Every movement which activated my abdominal muscles made me acutely aware of them, and what might be behind them, and so I kept taking breaks. Soon enough, I was all hot and bothered just in time for Hubby to come home and find me covered in dirt. We had a big hug and all was good again. The world was righted on it's axis once again.
But here is the strangest part: in the overgrown garden I found: 1 chicken, 13 eggs, and a perfectly edible pumpkin that had been hiding out all winter! The chicken in question is one of our 4 pet chooks, and she has been going missing in the afternoons from the open-top fenced in area of the orchard that the chooks call home. I was digging out a particularly stubborn weed when this chicken burst out of the undergrowth, clucking like a mad thing! I went to investigate where she had come from and found a hole in the hedge, and if I stuck my whole arm in I could just reach the clutch of eggs. Unfortunately, they will all have to be thrown away cos they will be stin-ky!
Tomorrow, if the weather holds to be fine again, I will look at finishing the clearing of the garden and maybe even get it planted up. I might try and enlist some help with the heavy digging this time.
Hubby and the two youngest are out tonight playing in a band (yes, really) at a local private function, so I cooked a pasta dinner for the eldest and now we are watching another of those crappy James Bond movies. It's one with Roger Moore in it, not my favourite Bond.
So symptoms today, apart from the twinges: generally crampy feelings, they are normally small-sized and will move about every couple of hours - maybe starting quite low, perhaps below my uterus, and then moving to one side, then in the upper abdomen, then around into my lower back. This evening the cramp/heaviness is more similar with what I get prior to my period, and everything I have read suggests that these can be signs of implantation. By breasts are still a bit tender, but nowhere near as bad as 2 or 3 days ago. Blood sugars are getting more erratic unfortunately, and I am experiencing more low blood sugars after not having any during the stims and ER/ET processes. I am finding that I must keep myself well hydrated, otherwise I can start to get a headache pretty quickly.
Now officially past the halfway mark of the 2WW, and I am feeling really positive about this. I still try to maintain a realistic attitude, as the nurse said, I might feel symptoms, I might not, and in either instance anything could happen. Please keep your fingers crossed for us!